Thread by @AshleaGee

Day 6 RAT negative, did a zoom appt for brother, drove around to get RATs, and had maybe an hour of actually doing work where my concentration was on point and finished reviewing a couple papers..
#Day1311 #AshsPhD

Mostly a day of anger and frustration at a system not designed for me or anyone I know..
#Day1312 #AshsPhD

Some days I really think I can get this PhD done, other days life seems too hard.. Right now I'm just tryna work on an overdo PhD paper that gets me pūtea..
#Day1313 #AshsPhD

Mans put together my drawers and rearranged some things so I can have some space and a desk and just means a lot that he's tryna help me.. Also read like 5 articles while he was building.. That's the most I've read in like 2 years..
#Day1314 #AshsPhD

Day 10 of isolation done and I'm still negative and mans' test was negative too..
#Day1315 #AshsPhD

Day 1 freedom from iso.. Appointment, time with Mum, life admin, home for a Fulbright zoom, made dinner, thought a lot..
#Day1316 #AshsPhD

Today started with a zoom mihi whakatau for my new mahi, and naturally ended in an anxiety attack and tears because making a decision makes me wanna vomit and I thought I had chosen but then voiced it and now I have regrets and doubts and I just want to breathe
#Day1317 #AshsPhD

Noho ki te kāinga until Mum's appt I the afternoon, she defs is gonna need shoulder surgery at some point 🥲..
#Day1318 #AshsPhD

Took Mum to do a couple things, packed, headed to Waihi 🌊..
#Day1319 #AshsPhD

Early morning kaukau, bbq, and watching the fights 😊..
#Day1320 #AshsPhD

Very tired today..
#Day1321 #AshsPhD

Answered emails, took Mum to do life admin, got very tired, quick swim..
#Day1322 #AshsPhD

Had 3 zooms today for 3 different kaupapa with 3 lovely people.. Feeling slightly more inline with things.. Took mans to the dentist, and just kinda got into bed exhausted..
#Day1323 #AshsPhD

Very tired.. Mum and brother's physio, a phone meeting, and that took 6 hours so 🤷🏽‍♀️..
#Day1324 #AshsPhD

My only day of PhDing this week was spent organising appointments for Mum and brother, getting emails about him missing appointments, and trying to make a computer work, trying to print.. So, absolutely no fucking PhDing happened.. Maybe next week
#Day1325 #AshsPhD

Conked out at 9 after a hectic day of anger & driving:
Kelston to Roskill
Roskill to Mt Albert
Mt Albert to Roskill
Roskill to Other Roskill
Other Roskill to Roskill
Roskill to Mt Wellington
Mt Wellington to Roskill
Roskill to Kelston.. Now I need gas too 🥲
#Day1326 #AshsPhD

I've been feeling off like an exhausted trash bag all day..
Workout, lunch, admin, dinner, then did a map of my PhD chapters.. I think it's clearer than my last map, or at least the document looks better lol..
#Day1327 #AshsPhD

60 days until I am meant to leave the country 🥲🥴🙃..
Otherwise I spent time with Mum and re-jigging my drafts..
#Day1328 #AshsPhD

I'm tired..
#Day1329 #AshsPhD

Submitted a visa document, took brother to another appt.. 3-4 days of my week is spent driving him and Mum to appts.. Did say some words to his OT about how this situation is killing Mum and has forced me out of my home yet I'm still expected to do this shyt
#Day1330 #AshsPhD

Went to pick up my glasses that the optom fucked up, but they weren't there, but got to pop into my dept see some people, 1st time there since I started.. Brother & Mum's appts, then some man tried to fight me on the road, so you know, mostly a fuck off day
#Day1331 #AshsPhD

A messy hectic day, that was tiring and taumaha, but ended with kai and critical reflection..
#Day1332 #AshsPhD

Doctors, chemist, admin, moe, kai..
Got the final copy of a paper about to be published..
#Day1333 #AshsPhD

Wondered why Tāwhiri felt different this ata.. My friend, my supervisor, the person who helped me understand my insider position, helped me stop internalising & gaslighting myself with fat bias, & introduced me to mani/pedis, passed away.. Moe mai rā @FOMNZ
#Day1334 #AshsPhD

Taumaha
#Day1335 #AshsPhD

I did not want to get out of bed..
Mum stuff, housework, kai, answered a few emails, and submitted a manuscript Cat had emailed us about the day before she passed away.. Me haere ki te Moe..
#Day1336 #AshsPhD

I barely functioned. Made a cake, skimmed emails, drove to Mum, took her to her hosp appts, spent 5 hours there, got a hole in my exhaust, bought brother's birthday Kai, played nice for a few hours, got massive cramps, home, showered, now in bed all miserable..
#Day1337 #AshsPhD

Life admin, drove to Riverhead and swapped cars, drove to Mum's, drove home for a supervision zoom, did some small things before dinner..
#Day1338 #AshsPhD

Moana Jackson died, that's all that matters today..
#Day1339 #AshsPhD

Got a work laptop today, it's the first time I've had a computer for a job so naturally I don't want to use it & break it.. Had a really good kōrero with my boss about my role and my life.. It's 48 days till I have to leave for Hawai'i, flights are booked 😱
#Day1340 #AshsPhD

I just have this heavy anxiety about trying to leave in 47 days.. I don't wanna leave my Mum without support, I don't wanna leave mans who I feel safe with, I also know if I don't go, I'll never finish PhD.. Self-care but make it really stressful & painful
#Day1341 #AshsPhD

Bits and pieces with Mum and doing some PhDing..
#Day1342 #AshsPhD

Took Mum to Mission Bay for her 2 hour break, 1st time doing anything restful/nice since August.. Bro's appt, got Kiri to take Mum to her surgery appt, mans' Nan had a fall & passed away, arranged flights, picked up whānau, the tautoko thing, published a paper
#Day1343 #AshsPhD

Māori.. That's it, that's the tweet..
#Day1344 #AshsPhD

Lots of taumahatanga for the tangi..
#Day1345 #AshsPhD

Arrived in Wellington and the lovely @taramcallister4 picked me up, fed me, and put me to bed to relax for tomorrow 🥰
#Day1346 #AshsPhD

A beautiful day to remember how fabulous @FOMNZ was and how amazing her mahi was.. I wouldn't have been able to decolonise and unlearn a lot of the whakaaro around fatness if it wasn't for her..
#Day1347 #AshsPhD

Mans' Nan's funeral today.. I stood with him and did haka with him.. I don't have words to describe that..
#Day1348 #AshsPhD

More tangi things.. I'm so exhausted..
#Day1349 #AshsPhD

I have the mental capacity of a goldfish ATM..
#Day1350 #AshsPhD

Would like a 3 day nap..
#Day1351 #AshsPhD

Did some life admin with Mum, tidied up, attempted to do things..
#Day1352 #AshsPhD

I bought some new clothes coz my pre-strokes clothes are inacce6, my post-strokes weight loss clothes don't fit my post-strokes recovery weight gain body..
#Day1353 #AshsPhD

Hoki ki te wai, hoki ki te pai..
#Day1354 #AshsPhD

Māmā.. Spent today looking for things for my haerenga and found my cards from Cat 🥲🥹..
#Day1355 #AshsPhD

Me and my childhood besties that mans used to play softball with lol.. Spent the day reminiscing and making kai.. Exhausted, feeling very unprepared..
#Day1356 #AshsPhD

Submitted an extension application..
No idea if they'll approve it, no idea how I'll pay it, engari, it's submitted..
Now to prep for an international guest lecture..
#Day1357 #AshsPhD

Listening to Haunani Kay and Mililani Trask i tēnei rā as I write this lecture..
#Day1358 #AshsPhD

A good guest lecture, some life admin, organising my world for tomorrow, had a kai, saw the kittens..
#Day1359 #AshsPhD

U.S consulate for a visa interview, Mum's life admin, life admin, an interview kōrero, back to Mum's for 2 doctors appt and lab tests..
#Day1360 #AshsPhD

My appt, on campus for a bit and had a short but sweet kōrero with my boss, I'm grateful I'm so supported.. Had a nice kai just me and mans..
#Day1361 #AshsPhD

Life admin, did a little data analysis, and watched the new Mataku..
Annndd apparently my US Visa has arrived 😱..
#Day1362 #AshsPhD

Some kaikai and some te reo with mans.. Feeling very emotional about leaving him soon..
#Day1363 #AshsPhD

Some life admin, hoki ki Āwhitu mo te wānanga nei, my couch is here, Matt and Mona are here, it's just filling my ngākau to be here..
#Day1364 #AahsPhD

6 month extension has been approved, now to find $4216 to pay for it.. Little life admin mo Hawai'i, getting some good little bits of mahi done.. Matt made my pork bones 😭🥰.. I wish I could stay longer in this safety bubble..
#Day1365 #AshsPhD

Little morning kaukau to make me wheezy, and little bits of mahi, remembering the importance of rest at wānanga.. Despite being a little unsettled, this is the closest I've felt to my life being my own again in 10 months..
#Day1366 #AshsPhD

Theoretically, this is my last wānanga & time with my couch 😥.. I will never stop talking about how important Matt & Mona are.. Without the space they create, I wouldn't have finished master's, written any articles, be doing a PhD, or have grown the way I have
#Day1367 #AshsPhD

I'm very tired today in being pulled in several, all consuming directions, because I just don't have the energy for it, or the fucking gas money.. I've had to put Gass in my car 4 times this week 🥲.. Heoi anō..
#Day1368 #AshsPhD

Mans & I had a good day watching his uncle go fit people tingz, then some heavy crying kōrero, all things in balance..
Felt very anxious as the only one wearing a mask out today, engari, I enjoyed the kaupapa.. Interesting space, lots of PhD body observations
#Day1369 #AshsPhD

Brother's appt, brother being asshole, took Mum to escape to the supermarket, came home, did kai, got massive cramps, in bed..
#Day1370 #AshsPhD

Had a good supervision kōrero, and felt exhausted so rested for a change..
#Day1371 #AshsPhD

Took Mum and brother to appt, fought money lady, picked them up, took them home etc, went home, waiting for mans.. It's our kinda anniversary, thinking about who I was and what I was doing a year ago, I don't know her..
#Day1372 #AshsPhD

Had a Hawai'i zoom.. it's slowly all going.. Went to a lovely welcome back to campus/farewell with the dept 🤗..
#Day1373 #AshsPhD

Some life admin, some life admin with Māmā, a Tāwhiri Moko, kai with mans and the fams..
#Day1374 #AshsPhD

A wonderful day spent celebrating the beautiful @Ualesi777 💕🥰🤗.. I'm just so grateful to have such beautiful people in my life..
#Day1375 #AshsPhD

Spent the day celebrating with some of my fave PhDers who threw me a little farewell.. I'm so grateful for the support and love and goodness I have in my community, my whānau whānui..
#Day1376 #AshsPhD

Today was pretty much a write off coz of my brother.. So, there's that..
#Day1377 #AshsPhD

Whare admin, took Mum to the hospital despite not wanting to, but my mother is a better person than I, made kai, looked at an email, filled in WINZ paper work, generally just pissed off..
#Day1378 #AshsPhD

$700 dentist trip, trip to WINZ, failed trip to campus and other life admin.. Pissed of mans, pissed off Mum, all around fucking up relationships coz I can't process and work through/get over my trauma with my brother.. So, all around fucking up 💁🏽‍♀️..
#Day1379 #AshsPhD

Doctor's, picked up 6months worth of meds that cost and weigh a bit, life admin, etc..
#Day1380 #AshsPhD

Lashes, life admin, flu shot, started packing and going through books to take, didn't back down when caucatious social worker tried me, Māmā 💕, kai with mans..
#Day1381 #AshsPhD

5 days before I leave on my Fulbright to Hawai'i, Mans decided to surprise me with a proposal at my favourite place.. That's defs one to add to the PhD thoughts.. Heoi anō, for now, I'm simply processing, feeling, and enjoying..
#Day1382 #AshsPhD

And then Mans surprised me at dinner with lots of my favourite people 🥰..
#Day1383 #AshsPhD

Some life admin with Mum, a meeting, a dentist trip, and some other bits and bobs.. 3 days..
#Day1384 #AshsPhD

I'm just very tired of all this and want to run away from reality..
#Day1385 #AshsPhD

An emotional wreck.. Did 2 covid tests, printed 87 documents for travel, did general organising, had a Hawai'i zoom.. I'm just feeling so incredibly anxious and scared, which is not a shock, comfort zone blah blah, but I just wish it was more joyful leaving
#Day1386 #AshsPhD

Te rā tuatahi o tēnei haerenga, kāre he kupu, engari, he tino whakawhetai mō ngā tautoko, ngā aroha, ngā āwhi mōku.. Ehara taku toa i te toa takitahi, engari he toa takitini.. Mā te wā Aotearoa, Kia ora Hawai'i..
#Fulbright #FulbrightNZ
#Day1387 #AshsPhD

Aloha mai kakou, kia ora mai tātou.. After a long, time travely 26hours of travel, I have showred and am decompressing in Hawai'i..
#Day1388 ? #AshsPhD

Life admin, got a Hawaiian number sorted, check on my insurance, bought some snacks at Foodland, helped Mapu with some grant mahi..
Day 2 of Fulbright..
#Day1389 ? #AshsPhD

Kaikai, mahi, saw the ocean, went to popped into my fave, Walmart to get some supplies lol.. Getting things organised for summer school teaching this coming week.. All go around here, Fulbright beginning as soon as I arrived..
Day 3 of @FulbrightNZ
#Day1390 ? #AshsPhD

Mapu dropped me off at the mall so I could get some bits & pieces, bits & pieces were got 🫠.. Did some mahi & prep for āpōpō, had sushi train for the first time.. Kōrero with Mum & Mans, both of whom are missing me a lot..
Day 4 of Fulbright
#Day1391 #AshsPhD

1st day of teaching for summer school🤗.. It's gonna be a good class, I've gotta do some prep for my lecture this week.. Wandered around campus, found kawhe, dealing with some whare drama, it's been a hectic day and we're all exhausted..
Day 5 of Fulbright
#Day1392 #AshsPhD

Summer school class is going good so far, today was a really good session, then did some life admin, bank, post office etc, then got to hoki ki te wai 😍🥰.. Hoping I can get out to another one soon.. The bulk of my FB mahi is in summer lol..
Day 6 of Fulbright
#Day1393 #AshsPhD

Class, mahi, bits and pieces of admin..
Day 7 of Fulbright
#Day1394 #AshsPhD

Gave a lecture on Māori health to our class 😊 went really well and complimented the course so far which is fabulous.. And did some bits and pieces of admin as well..
Day 8 of @FulbrightNZ
#Day1394 #AshsPhD

Another great class, then I Ubered to town to get a few bits and pieces.. Had a teaching meeting, then came home and blobbed around.. Feeling quite tired.. I'm alone tomorrow so might try go somewhere nice..
Day 9 of Fulbright
#Day1395 #AshsPhD

Ubered to the postshop which was a fail lol, walked to a diner, had parakuihi, walked to the mall and wandered around, came home and chilled, then went to foodland..
Day 10 of Fulbright
#Day1396 #AshsPhD

Did a little admin mahi, got dropped at Ala Moana, remembered I was poor lmao.. Like, this mall has Rolex, Dior, Cartier, Balenciaga, Gucci etc all stores that I look at and my wallet cries 😂.. Then went to my fave KBBQ place 🤤..
Day 11 of Fulbright
#Day1397 #AshsPhD

Did our nails, while it was fabulous, waaayyy better than home, I also now understand all those memes about men needing to give more than $100 for someone to go get nails done lmao..$140usd later for a gel Mani/pedi..
Peep my sticker tho
Day 12 of Fulbright
#Day1398 #AshsPhD

Teaching day, having kōrero about our community based sites with our students.. I found the campus store and bought a book, saw some Māori books, enjoyed my favourite Hawai'i rākau.. Did some review mahi..
Day 13 of Fulbright
#Day1399 #AshsPhD

Bruh, 1400 days of PhDing..
Today was spent sorting out insurance, banking, FB stuff, and reviewing.. Then a little hoki ki te wai 🌊..
Day 14 of Fulbright
#Day1400 #AshsPhD

Had a few meetings in the morning, went for a big hīkoi, had our class in the afternoon, made dinner, played some games, and conked out..
#Day1401 #AshsPhD

Was gonna stay home but felt anxious, so I went out for breakfast, then walked around the local mall for a bit coz I didn't wanna be alone, bought a onesie, came home did some work and a friend picked me up for dinner 😊.. Finished a very overdue review 🫠..
#Day1402 #AshsPhD

We've had a stressful day with bugs 🫠.. So, we went beach and uncle took me around to a pretty spot and gave me a mask so I could have a little tutū around, which I've never done because I'm scared of all things that move lol.. And the honu came to say kia ora.
#Day1403 #AshsPhD

Another hectic day of weird plans, but I got another kaukau.. People* are assuming I live right next to the beach & it's a secluded place lmao I don't have housebybeach money.. I just hate people in my beach pictures & don't wanna post pics of traffic 😂🤷🏽‍♀️..
#Day1404 #AshsPhD

Booked Canada flights 😱, discovered my ethics is expired, gave a great kōrero with Mapu on Photovoice+, scheduled meetings, thought lots, spoke to Mum and Mans, got emotional about all the change, cried, sweated in 31+° heat, ate a lot of my anxiety today
#Day1405 #AshsPhD

Class research workshop.. Meetings with my students, generally enjoying things.. Got mad about some hōhā things and had an overwhelmed moment and Mans and Mum both told me to sleep on it etc..
#Day1406 #AshsPhD

Had to go fix my phone, popped to Swapmeet to check out and go for a hīkoi..
#Day1407 #AshsPhD

A big mahi day, workshop, meetings with my students, meetings with Mapu, then I went on a hīkoi to stretch my legs, got a new lightweight blanket coz ya girl doesn't need no duvet in this heat, and saw a double rainbow and marama..
#Day1408 #AshsPhD

Finished off some mahi.. And just hung out at home all day, watched a couple movies, order many, messy, ubereatses, and went for a short treadmill run coz I wanted to move but stay home lol..
#Day1409 #AshsPhD

Accidentally Ubered to the wrong Kai place and got to go to the King Kamehameha parade instead 😊.. Then for a little kaukau.. Lots of hīkoi around the place then Kai with Mapu's Dad 😊..
#Day1410 #AshsPhD

Went for another hearty hīkoi and tried catching the bus.. Both times I got to the stop I just missed it lmao, but successfully got to where I wanted to go, did some email admin, had a good kōrero with a friend colleague 🤗
#Day1411 #AshsPhD

Class, a mixed methods workshop, admin, marked assignments.. Really tired today, all the screen time after months of very limited mahi, all the sun, adventures, and whatever this ikura is up to, making me ngenge af.. Here's me with another giant bag of chips
#Day1412 #AshsPhD

Had a workshop for class on ethics.. Popped to Walmart to buy the only hat that fit my giant ass head looking like some outback Steve Irwin typa shyt.. Would like a cheehoo card when I finally graduate 🥲.. Marama but in Hawai'i..
I need to do some printing..
#Day1413 #AshsPhD

Had a meeting with one of my students, went on a hearty hīkoi to the very bottom of our street (45mins) to catch a bus into town to get used to bussing and buy a couple things.. And Ryan finished building my desk that defeated me lol so now I have a room table
#Day1414 #AshsPhD

Did mahi, gave a fabulous workshop to the students on research methods, got them to really connect, be present, and wānanga, was so, so, so good 🥰..
Then we went Costco and I was like 👀😱..
#Day1415 #AshsPhD

Marae dishes, but in Hawai'i..
Was a beautiful day in the lo'i, connecting with the whenua and the students.. Kua kī te ngākau, tino ngenge..
#Day1416 #AshsPhD

Spent the day watching rugby.. Bit different from home.. Got burnt, I didn't realize we were gonna sit on the sideline not under trees lol.. Had some good poke, beautiful view, in my crocodile dundee hat coz it's literally the only hat that fits my big ass head
#Day1417 #AshsPhD

Did some life admin, then went to 'ōhana dinner with some friends and ate some mean as Kai 😍..
#Day1418 #AshsPhD

Indigenous scholars Panel for our class today, was awesome to bring my amazing friends from home to kōrero.. Was a wairua boost..
Then I got tired and took a sweaty nap, my neck is playing up so I'm not perky and my fams aren't well either.. Ate amazing mango..
#Day1419 #AshsPhD

Had a good meeting with one of my students.. Did some good admin.. Then had to have a sweaty nap, made chicken and potatoes..
Yesterday I got woken up by a weed eater, today it was a leaf blower, who knows what tomorrow will bring..
#Day1420 #AshsPhD

Did some mahi, went to the bank to organise money and bill things, bought a couple bits from the mall so I could walk around, talked to Kiri, did some more mahi, ticked one piece of writing off my to do..
Got woken by 2 weed eaters..
Hei āpōpō..
#Day1421 #AshsPhD

Had a meeting with a student, was a good kōrero, made me feel good.. Then went for a hīkoi and bus ride to buy some bits and pieces from the shops, came back, did some organizing and some life admin and some writing for a piece.. I also looked pretty..
#Day1422 #AshsPhD

Went out and did some life admin.. Caught 5 buses to get home..
#Day1423 #AshsPhD

Sunrise hike, kaikai, nap, errands..
#Day1424 #AshsPhD

Stared at screens all day and could not focus, the trauma brain fog is hectic..
Engari, I ate a good kai, then I tried kfc here and absolutely regretted every part of that decision..
#Day1425 #AshsPhD

Had class, prepping our students for their virtual summit on Wednesday, if anyone wants to come watch let me know..
Got angry about chives..
Came home, submitted a late job application for a job that they reopened so I could submit so 🤷🏽‍♀️ we'll see..
#Day1426 #AshsPhD

Had a slow morning.. Did some admin mahi, some ethics mahi, answering some emails, reviewing some edits.. Just tryna catch up on a lot..
#Day1427 #AshsPhD

Our students had their presentations and they were fabulous and my friends turned up to tautoko 🥰.. Then we went to the night market and I bought waaayyy too much Kai..
#Day1428 #AshsPhD

Went to get some supplies for next week.. Little pic of home..
Feeling some typa way and reflecting on my mahi and the ways in which fatphobia and fat bias play out in being claimed and acknowledged publicly & thinking about my chapter and my ethics..
#Day1429 #AshsPhD

I'm hōhā today.. I'm hōhā at stupid people, I'm hōhā at selfish people..
But we had the very last day of our class today.. it's gone by real quick..
#Day1430 #AshsPhD

Travelled to the beach, went a few short dips in God's Country, missioned it back home..
#Day1431 #AshsPhD

A wee hīkoi to a waterfall, little kaukau, little kaikai 🤗..
#Day1432 #AshsPhD

Did mahi and worked on a presentation..
#Day1433 #AshsPhD

Had our remembering @FOMNZ
Panel for #FSNZ22 .. Was a lovely and taumaha kōrero 💕..
#Day1434 #AshsPhD

Signed off a letter of tautoko for a funding application, undermined someone in order to support people's rights, went for a hīkoi down the street to pick up Canadian pūtea..
#Day1435 #AshsPhD

Jumped on the Hono MAI zoom for a bit, didn't realize how much I needed to be in that space again and receive the kōrero.. Wish I could've stayed all day..
#Day1436 #AshsPhD

Packed, went and got a few bits and pieces, enjoyed the view..
#Day1437 #AshsPhD

Haerenga ki #PRIDoC22 begins 🫠..
#Day1438 #AshsPhD

xʷməθkʷəy̓əm Musqueam, Sḵwx̱wú7mesh Squamish, & səlil̓wətaʔɬ Tsleil-Waututh whenua..
Arrived this morning, went to an Indigenous gallery & protection movement, met with Indigenous med students/residents, saw people from home 😭🥰.. Them kia ora hit different
#Day1439 #AshsPhD

Spent the day doing med student Tingz.. We got to visit Lu'ma medical centre which is an amazing place doing tino hauora things, then a Native hīkoi around a local park learning about their rongoā, then had a fabulous kai and kōrero with @WallisKeziah 🥰..
#Day1440 #AshsPhD

PRIDoC opening ceremony, some awesome kōrero and connecting, lots of emotions and kaupapa and tears.. I didn't know how much I needed this..
#Day1441 #AshsPhD

Te rā o Hauora.. We slept in and went to explore Kiàpalãno 🤗..
Beautiful..
#Day1442 #AshsPhD

Such a good day of conference kaupapa, went to some really good kōrero, had some really good kōrero, had a beautiful cultural night standing with ngāi Māori, feeling all types of emotions.. Had a good kōrero and got Mans (and myself?) A new doctor 😭..
#Day1443 #AshsPhD

Last day of conferencing, poroporoaki, emotions all over the place, lots of tangi, engari, very grateful to be in this space..
#Day1444 #AshsPhD

Hoki ki Hawai'i..
#Day1445 #AshsPhD

A few errands and life admin before the week starts..
#Day1446 #AshsPhD

Nevermind lmao..
I'm doing the bare minimum for the week..
Grateful for Mapu and Ryan who drop supplies outside my door.. Hopefully they stay negative..
#Day1447 #AshsPhD

I had great plans of being functional this week.. Covid said no 😒.. Feeling lonely and homesick, but it is what it is..
#Day1448 #AshsPhD

Another day of covid things..
#Day1449 #AshsPhD

I'm just counting the days till I can go home 🫠.. And thinking about all I have to do in between now and then..
#Day1450 #AshsPhD

I've been alone for like 3 ish days and let me tell you, every part of me just wants to go home..
#Day1451 #AshsPhD

Mood: homesick.. Fulbright say it's usually around the 3 month mark when you start to really feel it..
#Day1452 #AshsPhD

Had a good kōrero with Tracey about future plans and how to possibly start a PhD again.. She said that if I went home I'd regret it within half an hour, she's not wrong, I miss what was home, not what it is now..
#Day1453 #AshsPhD

Had a good kōrero with Paps who told me to stop fucking faffing around and do my PhD 😂.. I always appreciate Papaarangi's kōrero and advice, especially when it's the real stuff I don't always want to hear.. Lots of nuggets..
#Day1454 #AshsPhD

Had a beautiful kōrero on Hawai'i radio with the lovely Alex about body sovereignty things.. Nice to be able to kōrero about the kaupapa..
#Day1455 #AshsPhD

First day in the wild again.. And I went to pay my insurance bill of $2136USD for August-December, which breaks my heart, engari necessity.. And to the post office to try and send my Mum a half ass birthday present for next month.. Then I got tired and came home
#Day1456 #AshsPhD

Had a meeting with Fulbright coz ya girl needs to come the fuck home.. Had a really good job interview..
#Day1457 #AshsPhD

Tried to do some work, got overwhelmed by fatigue, tried to nap, & overheated, had cold shower, tried to work again, talked to family, felt shyt about situation, I just wanna go home, I just wanna be in Auckland, find myself somewhere to live & see people I like
#Day1458 #AshsPhD

Absolutely exhausted after a beautiful day spent with a home friend.. His accomodation has no kitchen 🙃 so I showed him some spots, a Kānaka man had a kōrero with us about Lā Ho'iho'i which is āpōpō, we whakapākehātia Aotearoa waiata for some other kānaka
#Day1459 #AshsPhD

Absolute piece of trash today, low energy, tried to plan some things, had to deal with phone, got anxious, got overwhelmed, the ebbs and flows are intense and I just wanna go home..
#Day1460 #AshsPhD

I spent 6 hours at @ATT trying to get my phone drama sorted, only to have them tell me the advertised perks of the plan I'm on I don't have access to, so I threatened to sue them..
Then I had kai with some lovely Fulbrighters, and a care package from home 💕
#Day1461 #AshsPhD

Went into campus to get some things done, got the key for my office space.. Had 2 job kōrero..
#Day1462 #AshsPhD

Did some mahi, had some kōrero, then gt a hearty migraine 🥲..
#Day1463 #AshsPhD

Went easy coz migraine hangover so had a couple meetings, then went out for kai for Mapu's birthday..
#Day1464 #AshsPhD

Caught the bus into campus to hangout with the NZ Fulbright crew, we're planning a little trip to Big Island, and a writing retreat while we're here coz these theses don't write themselves, which is outrageous, then my lost package arrived and I have a set up 😭
#Day1465 #AshsPhD

Went to go pick up a couple things for my work space..
#Day1466 #AshsPhD

Caught the bus to town, had brunch with Jade, then Walmart, beach, and dinner.. Had a Maitai at Maitais.. I'm not a drinker anymore lol also post covid it's not a good time 🫠..
#Day1467 #AshsPhD

And I've been pushing my body too hard, headaches all day, absolutely no energy, and the beginnings of brain fog 🥲..
Talked to Fulbright, and this amazing paper was published..
#Day1468 #AshsPhD

Met an aunty who gave us flowers and Me and Jade went on a field trip to explore the palace and learn more about the colonial violence here..
Mihi ana ki ngā rangatira o tēnei whenua..
#Day1469 #AshsPhD

Jenni and I went exploring and had some kōrero, we're both homesick and having a rough time so it was nice to kōrero with someone who gets how complicated it is to be here during a pandemic when shyt at home is on fire..
And a new paper got published 😍
#Day1470 #AshsPhD

Headed on an adventure..
Had a couple meetings back home..
Heading out to Turtle Bay for a few nights to get some mahi done..
#Day1471 #AshsPhD

We had to drive back home to pick up a koha and the round trip took 6 hours lmao 🥲.. But we got some Kai and I drove from home back to Turtle Bay 😊..
#Day1472 #AshsPhD

Headed to Haleiwa to meet some people and wānanga and have some good kai, and ended up driving from Turtle Bay to Kapolei lol..
#Day1473 #AshsPhD

Prepped for my kōrero, it went really well and it was nice to have my tautoko squad there to ask good questions.. Then had to go for a swim because it's soooo hot in this house lol and went to have a kai with kupuna who gifted koha that she made 😭..
#Day1474 #AshsPhD

Wow the ups and downs today.. Tried to keep tau since I knew I was fragile with this whole anniversary shyt, and then some things happened that made me feel degraded and complete shyt..
But the travel agent just email and my return home is fucking booked āmene
#Day1475 #AshsPhD

Today is move in on campus and holy fuck what a foreign concept.. The traffic was hectic.. Somewhat disorienting..
Student orientation, met some people, went to do some life admin, had a kai..
#Day1476 #AshsPhD

Some days my energy is so slow I think I'll never do academic mahi again..
Heoi anō, plans for today got cancelled, so it was a mani pedi day, was nice to talk about Cat and think of her.. Then a kai with the FBers 😊..
#Day1477 #AshsPhD

Off on a wee @FulbrightNZ adventure to Big Island.. Kia ora from Kona..
#Day1478 #AshsPhD

Met with Aunty Pua in Waimea, she told us all the places we need to go and called everyone to let them know we were coming 😭🥰..
Did a karanga, went for a little kaukau, made friends anō with Uncle at Denny's who's gonna fly to O'ahu next week to hang out 😂🥰
#Day1479 #AshsPhD

Tino te mihi ki a Pua rāua ko @emacase i ō kōrua manaaki, ō kōrua aroha hoki 💕.. Spent the day in wānanga and kōrero with the Atua, mana whenua, and having a horoi in the wind.. Mihi maioha ki a Wākea, a Poli'ahu, a Pele, a Tāwhiri hoki.. Thinking about mōmona
#Day1480 #AshsPhD

Packed up, explored a little more before heading to the airport.. Tino ngenge, engari, tino tau..
#Day1481 #AshsPhD

First day of semester, so it was tino busy.. Mapu had 2 classes so I went to both, and let me tell you, I have the mental capacity of a turnip when it comes to going to classes, had another kaupapa, and gave a lecture via zoom for the lovely @sarahhbickerton ..
#Day1482 #AshsPhD

It's a beautiful day to mālama 'āina.. Got to see how the kalo we planted has been progressing, and just take some time to connect with the whenua mōmona and talk story..
#Day1483 #AshsPhD

Got some shave ice before we got to go to a wāhi tapu and learn about the centre of the island and birthing.. Was beautiful to talk story 🥰.. I'm constantly thinking about how all of this aligns with PhD..
#Day1484 #AshsPhD

Dropped Jade to the airport, came back home and slept a bit, blobbed around, did some mahi on the abstracts for Ngā Pae, and looking at some of my other things I need to do..
#Day1485 #AshsPhD

Did some mahi, then got a glorious massage thanks to Mapu.. Then had kai and ocean with Jenni..
#Day1486 #AshsPhD

Did some PhD related mahi.. Went with Mapu to a 30th anniversary event 😊..
#Day1487 #AshsPhD

Had a couple meeting with people back home.. Tryna organise a few connections.. Then went to the beach..
#Day1488 #AshsPhD

Class at 9.30, quick Kai, class at 12.30, some mahi till 4.30, then went to the Waimānalo Pono Research Hui and got to see some old friends 🥰, then home to a brief proper chat to Mans for the first time in a week..
Officially halfway 101 days to go 🤗
#Day1489 #AshsPhD

Went to campus, did some mahi, had some kōrero, had some Kai..
#Day1490 #AshsPhD

Stayed home and did mahi, got a few things done, was Mans' birthday, this is the 3rd birthday I haven't spent with him lol ☹️..
#Day1491 #AshsPhD

Life admin with Jenni..
#Day1492 #AshsPhD

Wee trip to Big Island 😊.. Hilo side this time.. Had Kai with a Māori friend from home and met her Kanaka husband, was so nice for the 4 of us to talk story and chill.. Two Māori in pōwhiri blacks, two Hawaiians in bright colours tho 😂..
#Day1493 #AshsPhD

Kai, went to a black sand and lava rock beach.. Then got to meet Pele and Kīlauea.. On the dark, te pō hīkoi to Pele I saw many tohu, said my mihi to her, and she appeared.. Hinenuitepō was there too..
#Day1494 #AshsPhD

Enjoyed Big Island so much that I rearranged my life to come back a few times this month lmao..
#Day1495 #AshsPhD

Had some really good meetings with Tracey and Sarah-Jane.. Feeling like things are becoming clearer and more aligned..
#Day1496 #AshsPhD

Had a planning meeting with one of the super helpful people in our dept 🥰.. It's so nice to have people willing to help and guide me in new spaces and navigating different systems..
Mum took my brother to a rehab facility today.. There's 3 months of funding..
#Day1497 #AshsPhD

Had 4 back to back meetings with home today.. Lots of different PhD related project stuff happening which is really exciting.. Also attempting to mentally prepare myself for media things..
#Day1498 #AshsPhD

Burnt my tits, floated in the ocean, ate good kai, watched a movie, took a day to unwind.. And do some work at night lmao..
#Day1499 #AshsPhD

1500 days of PhDing fuck me..
Ate good kai, got new pillows and bedding, worked on some things..
Planning to submit this PhD under 2000 lmao please e ngā atua..
#Day1500 #AshsPhD

Slept in, ate, did a little work, went to the supermarket to buy easy kai, had a nap, woke up headachey, ate, showered, did some more work, bed..
#Day1501 #AshsPhD

Koinei te rā tuatahi o te wiki o Te Reo Māori 🤗.. Na reira, ka haere tāua ki te Powwow 😍..
#Day1502 #AshsPhD

Crippled by random cramps, couldn't go to campus, stayed in bed as much as I could while freddykrueger grips my fallopian tube 🥲.. Did a little mahi.. Got sad about @Moce_Doce's quiche because fuck I miss bakery, watched the fabulous soon to be Dr Kiri present
#Day1503 #AshsPhD

Felt a bit better so went with Mapu to campus and did a good amount of mahi in the library.. I find it disorienting coz being on campus and the library is like same same but different, like familiar but not my library.. Heoi anō, I did mahi..
#Day1504 #AshsPhD

Nails.. Dinner with Jenni and Mapu, properly introducing them lol..
#Day1505 #AshsPhD

Did lots of mahi this morning, my energy is low, so I went for a hīkoi to the mall and wandered around, had dinner, came home, got crippled by random Freddy Krueger cramps again 🥴, would like this to go away I'm very busy..
#Day1506 #AshsPhD

Just lots of mahi and packed a bag..
#Day1507 #AshsPhD

Flew to Big Island for the day and spent a beautiful day with @THEYlani
🥰🤗.. Lots of kōrero, good kai, and good people..
#Day1508 #AshsPhD

Finished and tweaked my lecture for āpōpō.. Worked on my application.. Sent it to the powers at be.. In bed at 1.30 for a 7am ish wake up 🥲.. My jaw and head hurt.. Pō mārie..
#Day1509 #AshsPhD

Gave an emotional hauora lecture to the students here..
And the Fat episode of Alice Snedden's Bad News is out on @TheSpinoffTV .. I got to have a little kōrero here..
Here's a lazy screen record of one of my fave parts.. If only they excluded AL 😂..
#Day1510 #AshsPhD

Did some mahi, helped some friends, bought a lot of books, went to dinner..
#Day1511 #AshsPhD

Did a little mahi, but mainly packed 87 bags, checked into hotel, was anxious..
Picked a good room tho..
#Day1512 #AshsPhD

He's here 😭..
Ubered to the airport, picked him up, went for little kaukau, little Kai, just spent some time.. Had some kōrero
#Day1513 #AshsPhD

The only thing he wanted to do was Pearl Harbor, which, obvs I have mixed feelings about.. We did part of it today, then had dinner with Mapu and Ryan for my birthday.. I'm not a fan of u.s militarisation, especially of Hawai'i, engari, he tino nui tērā urupā
#Day1514 #AshsPhD

Very contrast day.. 'Iolani Palace in the morning so Mans can learn about the illegal occupation of Hawai'i & the overthrow of the Hawaiian monarchy.. And the rest of Pearl Harbor..
Thinking abt relationships between Hawaiian monarchy, Japan, & u.s imperialism
#Day1515 #AshsPhD

Packed up, checked out, had parakuihi, then picked up a car and took the scenic route to the fabulous Turtle Bay.. I have absolutely no regrets about staying here since it was my birthday present to myself, I only wish I was rich 😭..
#Day1516 #AshsPhD

32..
Spent my birthday snorkeling for the first time (without being chicken shyt), saw lots of colourful fish, spikey kina, and sea slugs.. Then moved to the pool, caught sunset with Mans, and had a beautiful kaikai..
Mans saw John Cena filming & got a photo lol
#Day1517 #AshsPhD

Had to leave turtle bay.. We watched the Eddie Aikau movie and stopped by Waimea to mihi, then grabs Konos, before heading to the airport.. Heading to Big Island for a few days.. It's been real important to me to teach Mans the things I've learnt here..
#Day1518 #AshsPhD

Had an early parakuihi at Ken's, then headed to Volcano to explore the park a bit, got to kōrero to Pele and share with Mans some of her pūrākau.. went to Black Sand beach to see Honu, then had a makariri swim, then a good kaikai so we can wake up at 3am 🥲..
#Day1519 #AshsPhD

Up at 3am to drive to see Pele.. Tino quiet, tino makariri.. Engari, kua kitea.. After seeing Pele we went to see Wākea & Poli'ahu.. Took Mans to the carpark where all Māori have met before tautoko te kaupapa, all before 8am.. Parakuihi.. Wee altitude issues 🥴
#Day1520 #AshsPhD

Left Big Island to come back to O'ahu.. Checked into hotel, grabbed an easy kai, spent some quality time.. Saw a hihimanu.. Also e-presdnted at WIPCE lol..
#Day1521 #AshsPhD

Few last minute bits and pieces, good kai, and went to a very fancy dinner in our Walmart best coz Mans wanted to do matchy matchy but matchy matchy sizes here are a challenge lol..
#Day1522 #AshsPhD

And he's gone ☹️..
A beautiful 10 spent with My Love showing him this place..
Jenni picked me up from the airport so I wouldn't be alone which was really lovely 💕.. He's home now, and I'm repacking for a trip on Wednesday..
#Day1523 #AshsPhD

Catching up on admin, writing a lecture.. Was feeling real pōuri last night being alone again.. And feeling overwhelmed tryna catch up on mahi when taking time off, feeling like PhD is impossible, feeling like why am I doing 87 things, heoi anō, ka pai ahau
#Day1524 #AshsPhD

Gave a kōrero for Dr Kiri's class, did some mahi, had kai with Mapu and Ryan, packed my bags..
#Day1525 #AshsPhD

A wee waka rererangi trip and exploring 😊.. I've never been first class before and wow, I never wanna go back 😂😭.. Thanks Jenni for having me as your travelling buddy 🥰😍.. Kia ora Ramaytush Ohlone Lands.. We got driven down the windy road too lol..
#Day1526 #AshsPhD

Spent some time down fisherman's wharf, caught the cable car, got some chowder, many touristy things complete..
#Day1527 #AshsPhD

A day of exploring and thinking..
#Day1528 #AshsPhD

And we're off back to O'ahu and got lots of mahi to do.. Jenni's cousin picked us up and took us for a kai, and then had dinner with Mapu and Ryan 🤗..
#Day1529 #AshsPhD

Gave a kōrero to @andrealala89's class about Kaupapa Māori and fatness 😊.. Was really nice.. Went to Costco and they had American pumpkins 🤯 and kiwifruit from home so I got some lol #Day1530 #AshsPhD

Had our 2 classes, watched students present and gave some feedback, had some kōrero about evaluation, and finally submitted a book chapter I've been tryna get done 🥹.. Fingers crossed the reviewers are kind..
#Day1531 #AshsPhD

Had a conference presentation that went really well, good to talk story about pedagogy and practice.. Then went to the doctor's, hopefully my arm is all good, hurts like fuck now tho, had a kai, bought 2 heart suitcases in preparation for home..
#Day1532 #AshsPhD

Did mahi, conferencing, had some meetings, then went to a Fulbright event and got to see na Indigenous theatre exhibition 😊..
#Day1533 #AshsPhD

Fought with my laptop for ages, did a conference presentation, went for a walk around the mall..
#Day1534 #AshsPhD

Woke up feeling a bit sick, testing negative, took it easy..
#Day1535 #AshsPhD

Woke up sicker, cancelled plans, testing negative, but feeling ass.. Stayed in bed and tried to sleep but lots of people called and messaged and then some smoke alarm kept going off, so gonna take drugs and go sleep..
#Day1536 #AshsPhD

Symptoms moving, but cough kicking my ass.. I hate it.. I'm tired..
#Day1537 #AahsPhD

Went to the @NgaPaeotM Māori Futures PhD Programme hui.. Ngā mihi ki a koutou i ō koutou tautoko..
Then went to the chemist to try get cough medicine but everything is weird here so got overwhelmed..
#Day1538 #AshsPhD

Went to the doctor's again to check whether I should change antibiotics, got a childlike talk about never consuming carbs or sugar again, stocked up on drugs, packed, hoping for the best..
#Day1539 #AshsPhD

Welp, we giving it a go, bronchitis has*nt stopped me before 😂..
HNL to SFO, SFO to LAS, SFO lost my luggage for a bit so went and gambled because when am I ever gonna be here again..
4 Māori Fulbrights walked into a casino on Nuwuvi Southern Paiute Lands.....
#Day1540 #AshsPhD

Kia ora from Nuwuvi Southern Paiute, Hualapai, Mohave, Hopi, and Zuni lands currently occupied by the hearty hoover dam.. That white line on the rock isn't just rock 🥲..
In the state of Nevada and Arizona at the same time 😊..
I drove on route 66 today 🤗..
#Day1541 #AshsPhD

Gam'Yu from the Grand Canyon.. Kāre he kupu 💕..
#Day1542 #AshsPhD

Had the privilege of meeting with some Hualapai people who share their time, knowledge, stories, and whenua with us.. We talked story, they took us down the canyon to the river, and to a residential school, kāre he kupu nē.. Lots of thoughts and feelings..
#Day1543 #AshsPhD

I'm the only person in my family that's been privileged enough to travel.. All of my travel has been funded in some partial way, whether it's mahi, a grant, a conference, savings of a scholarship..
I'm sitting with these thoughts..
Back to Hawai'i to mail..
#Day1544 #AshsPhD

Did all my washing, cleaned up my room and life after travel, did some mahi, then went to Jenni's farewell dinner.. Everyone else is leaving soon and I'm a bit sad, but I have so much happening the next 45 days..
#Day1545 #AshsPhD

I did a lot of work, talked to Kiri, Aleh, Mum, Mans, and many more people about my impulsive travel decisions lol.. Ate maggi beef noodles..
#Day1546 #AshsPhD

Was meant to have a quiet day, but I went to do some life admin I needed to get done.. Spent most of the day down at the mall and shops getting supplies.. Came home and felt all emotional, had dinner with Mapu and Ryan and decided not to do the impulsive travel
#Day1547 #AshsPhD

Stayed home, feeling really low energy, did a little work, had a nap.. My body is just not cooperating..
#Day1548 #AshsPhD

Introducing the fabulous Dr @alohasammie 🔥😍.. Got to watch Sam's beautiful dissertation defense, their process is so much quicker than ours lol..
Then did some mahi at Starbucks with Trish and had some beautiful kōrero..
#Day1549 #AshsPhD

Feeling absolutely exhausted.. Decided to go for a walk down the road to see if that would boost my energy and it didn't lmao.. So I worked on my journal thing that I haven't looked at in months and got a book in the mail 😍..
#Day1550 #AshsPhD

Went to the swapmeet to see Ata 🤗.. Went home, did a little mahi, then some life admin, then caught up with Kiri, semi-finished a paper.. Talked to Mum, brother has funding for care for life, 14months later.. I hope somewhere good can be found & Mum can rest..
#Day1551 #AshsPhD

Had 2 classes, students were presenting, it's so interesting* to see the ways in which colonisation and militarisation are not taught in certain disciplines.. Then went to my first proper Halloween, such an interesting holiday lol..
#Day1552 #AshsPhD

Chilled at home, mahi at home, zoom the best fraanndddss..
#Day1553 #AshsPhD

Sleep Tino little, up tino early to head to campus for a guest lecture.. Think it went really well and got good feedback 😊..
#Day1554 #AshsPhD

Went to go do washing, had Kai with Ata, then went to a welcome ceremony for another NZ Fulbright at a university here..
#Day1555 #AshsPhD

Went to do my nails and relax coz hearty hōhā and hearty cramps and had a mani/pedi worse than ones at home and like twice the price 🥲🥲🥲..
Then stumbled across a night market and bought myself a permanent bracelet..
#Day1556 #AshsPhD

Spent the day packing one of my suitcases.. It's a very full 26kgs.. Some decent Tetris abilities going on..
Then went to dinner with Ata and his friends 🤗.. Scheduled a meeting for early tomorrow..
#Day1557 #AshsPhD

Had a wonderful kōrero with a kanaka wahine here.. Went to Walmart to get chocolate and they had none 🥲..
#Day1558 #AshsPhD

Attempted to pack a little.. Sent some emails, had some calls, did some things.. Energy is very low ATM..
#Day1559 #AshsPhD

Had a wonderful kōrero with @THEYlani
😊🤗.. Had hui with student.. Went to get some groceries, watched a lot of Bones..
#Day1560 #AshsPhD

Zoom, media interview, packing, eating, repeating..
#Day1561 #AshsPhD

Did some mahi, packed, and flew to Kaua'i..
#Day1562 #AshsPhD

3 hours sleep, picked up students, parakuihi, kōrero, headed to Alakoko Fishpond to do mahi with Hule'ia and learn fishpond.. Mālama wai.. The kāne talked about wai mōmona and lemme tell you I was like 😱.. Checked out mural for MMNHWGM through Kamāwaelualani..
#Day1563 #AshsPhD

Parakuihi, final debrief kōrero, and back to O'ahu.. Then went to check out a hearty Hawai'i made market..
#Day1564 #AshsPhD

92kgs later..
30 + 30 + 20 + 12..
It took me all day to pack..
#Day1565 #AshsPhD

I missed you..
I asked Mum for roast lamb and bacon and egg pie and she made a potato salad too and got like 8 types of bread for me.. I'm home for a week 🥰..
#Day1566 #AshsPhD

A day of exploring.. Pounamu, Blue Rose, Kiri, Piha for a kaukau (2/3 jumped in), shopping, Takaparawhā, Shells, Fish & chips, LnP, and much more kōrero.. Squeezing in as much for the manuhiri as I can..
#Day1567 #AshsPbD

Went to the doctor, got labs, and then headed to the MAI Doctoral Conference 🤗😍.. Jumping MAI sites, I'm so glad to be back in this Indigenous space, so grateful I could make this kaupapa work.. I needed this more than I knew.. Especially with Wairaka
#Day1568 #AshsPhD