Thread by @nowtheo

Combining LSD (enhanced creativity and imaginal powers) and MDMA (radical love and emotional safety) to heal complex trauma (#cPTSD) ft. Ideal Parent Figure Protocol

Thread / Trip Report (25 odd tweets)

You know how we have these negative incident traumas that cause us to develop fear-based emotional learnings etc. These events are tangible and specific, and hence somewhat straightforward to process + resolve.

But then there's complex trauma, which is not about a single big incident or even a few big incidents. Rather it's the accumulation of a series of incidents over many years. And often it's not even about something that happened, but things that did NOT happen.

For instance, emotional neglect. Something like your mother not looking you in the eyes often enough or not getting enough physical touch/affection in your early years or your father not being present or not feeling safe/protected.

Such psychological malnourishment stunts our development in many tangible and intangible ways. And since none of us had perfect parenting, we are all affected (to varying degrees) by these problems of LACK.

This stuff can sometimes be more damaging than a "major" traumatic event later in your life. And processing such trauma is complex, because there are usually no stand-out specific events that you can process.

I'm interested in figuring out how we can leverage altered states to heal complex trauma and what's the most optimal way to go about it. So I'm experimenting and exploring potentially synergistic combinations.

In my personal healing journey, I seem to have arrived at a point where I've processed almost all explicit memories of hurt. But I know there's still work to be done because I sense subtle rigidities/tension in my body and ways of being.

In the hopes of processing the implicit and non-verbal stuff, last month, I did my 3rd MDMA Therapy session and also added LSD to the mix. (Apparently, it's a safe and synergistic combination, so why not)

I went in without any specific intentions or plans. Here's what happened.

I started with 100ug LSD. The plan was to take my first dose of MDMA (150mg) roughly after 2 hours, so that their peaks coincide.

For those two hours, my LSD trip was quite random and chaotic. I was jumping from one thought to another while waiting in anticipation.

But after those two hours, as MDMA entered my system, the chaos completely subsided and the experience became so grounded and centered.

It was like a deeply attuned teacher getting a rowdy classroom in order with her loving attention and gentleness :)

Okay, before I go on, I need to quickly introduce the Ideal Parent Figure (IPF) protocol. IPF basically involves imagining an ideal set of parents that are perfectly suited for you — deeply attuned, present, caring, affectionate, etc

Through the imaginal work, you allow yourself to feel in your body, what it would be like to have those perfect set of parents. This then helps in healing deep attachment wounds and forming a new, healthy internal working model of secure attachment.

Now, I have done a few guided Ideal Parent Figure meditations in the past. But I had not really planned on doing it during this session. IFS is usually my go-to thing if I need to navigate the experience. My plan anyway was to let go and let my self-healing intelligence take over

So it was cool to see my mind spontaneously initiating the whole Ideal Parent Figure thing. I started reliving my entire childhood and intuitively filling up the holes in the parenting I've received. And it felt like it was happening to me, not something I was consciously doing

The combination of LSD and MDMA seemed so perfect for this.

I had this cozy blanket of love and affection provided by MDMA. Within which my mind was leveraging the enhanced creativity and imaginal powers gifted by LSD to recreate my childhood.

Not to forget, MDMA also makes it possible for you to access and update the emotional content of your memories. And LSD also gives you this ability to experientially take on zoomed-out perspectives. A lot of powerful vectors.

I don't remember the specific details from the trip, but the dominant feeling was that of security/stability. I felt so radically safe, protected and seen.

Inevitably, there was a lot of somatic release too. As I felt safer, I could relax and let go of the rigidity in my body.

I was releasing tensions I didn't even know I had, which was so cool to experience.

Towards the end of the session, whenever my mind made any attempt to "control" things, I could locate tension/rigidity at specific locations in my body.

And if I focused on that sensation of rigidity, it would turn into a painful knot and then slowly start dissolving. Couldn't do much of this, but it helped me re-discover my commitment to meditation.

Coming back to IPF. I had imagined a new set of parents. But my actual parents were still there too. The ideas in this thread clicked so well for me during the session.

https://twitter.com/mattx1b/status/1484105689127608322

I was also allowing myself to deeply feel and cherish the positive stuff I have inherited from my parents. And I feel much more connected to them after this experience. Especially my father. Most of the session was actually focused on my relationship with my father.

I have a very nuanced understanding of my relationship with my mother. Because attachment theory gives you a powerful lens to investigate that relationship.

But I did not have a similar level of understanding when it came to my father. I finally got it through this experience.

Having a good model of what healthy parenting looks like (through books, movies, life etc) feels important for this process. I could see the various influences playing out in how I was reparenting myself. (Shout out to the parents in this corner of twttr, your wisdom is precious)

Figuring out what you needed and lacked in your childhood can also go a long way in aiding the process. But I also feel that you'd intuitively figure it out when you get in touch with your inner child.

Overall, what a powerful and nourishing experience. It gave me what I did not know I lacked. My sense of self has gotten stronger. I feel more centered and secure. And I'm excited to further build on this. More focus on meditation now.

If any of you chooses to undertake a similar journey, please reach out and talk to me. I'd love to learn more from your experience (and help in any way I can)

https://twitter.com/nowtheo/status/1489645937102581760