Thread by @NaturesPoisons

Yesterday I mentioned PRACTICAL MAGIC and one of my favorite poisoning tales, and it's been a few years and 5K followers since I last posted it, so I thought I'd re-up it. So settle in for a murder gone wrong and "Justin's Three Rules of Murder." A long 🧵.

I ❤️ Sandra Bullock. And I ❤️PRACTICAL MAGIC. It's a classic tale of "Girl meets boy, boy is an abusive serial killer who kidnaps the girl and her sister, sister poisons bad boy’s tequila with belladonna, bad boy dies. Throw in some magic for good measure." We’ve all been there.

Our tale starts with Heather and Kevin. They got married, bought a house, and had kids. Things were good until Kevin lost his job. To support them, Kevin worked two jobs, so he wasn't around much, and that caused stress and a lot of fighting.

So one night Heather goes to her best friend Mindi's house and they watch, you guessed it, PRACTICAL MAGIC. The movie must have resonated pretty hard with Heather because it gave her an idea.

She's gonna kill Kevin with belladonna, just like in the movie. And that breaks Justin's First Rule of Murder:
1. Don't get your plan from Hollywood.

Why not in this case? In the movie, Sandra Bullock spikes bad boy's tequila with a lot of belladonna - something Nicole Kidman used before to get him to sleep - and the dude dies. The problem? Belladonna doesn't work like that.

Atropa belladonna, known as belladonna or deadly nightshade, is toxic, but it isn't sedating like in the movie. Belladonna contains the alkaloids atropine and scopolamine, and in overdose amounts elicit delirium, hallucinations, and a lot of cardiac issues.

So her plan of Kevin quietly going nighty-night won't work. But she doesn't know this because she didn't consult me, and instead tells her plan to Mindi. That breaks Justin's Second Rule of Murder:
2. Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Heather plows ahead and buys belladonna. The problem? She bought 100 capsules of HOMEOPATHIC belladonna, containing ZERO atropine or scopolamine. She might as well have bought 100,000. And that breaks Justin's Third Rule of Murder:
3. Don’t homeopathically poison someone.

Again, Heather doesn't know this, because she never consulted me. Still, she took out $750K in life insurance on Kevin (🚩) and decided she'd add the "belladonna" to his mashed potato lunch, call him at work, and when he didn't answer, rush to his workplace to find him dead.

But this didn't happen. Why not? Because she broke ALL THREE OF MY RULES, that's why! Things went south went she gave the "belladonna" to her neighbor Diane to hold on to. Why? Who the hell knows. Diane is weirded out by it and calls Mindi. They compare notes.

Diane and Mindi agree that Heather is up to no good and that Kevin is in danger (not really, but they don't know that because they didn't consult me), so they decide to call the police. Not right away though, the next day. Why the next day? Who the hell knows.

So the police investigate and get Mindi to wear a wire. They hear Mindi talking to Heather about:
- the insurance money
- the "belladonna"
- all about mashed potatoes
- and Heather's affair . . . . . . . . with Mindi.

So Heather was arrested. The police didn't know it wouldn't work because they didn't consult with me either. Anyways, the police tell Kevin about the plot but he doesn't want to press charges. Love is weird, yo. Still, Heather was found guilty and sentenced to 10-years in prison.

But our story doesn't end here. Heather and Kevin write to each other every day. Why?

Kevin:
“Yeah, we all make mistakes...it is what it is.”

Heather:
“In one aspect I love him for it. But in the same breath, he must be completely insane.”

After her release from jail, their relationship fizzled. Probably because she wanted to murder him.

I have no idea what happened between Heather and Mindi, but I think their relationship ended, too. Probably because of the whole "I called the police on you" thing.

So that's the PRACTICAL MAGIC murder. Attempted murder. Attempted poorly murder. Attempted poorly was never gonna happen murder because you can't homeopathically murder someone. See: Rule 3, Justin's Rules of Murder.

So to recap Justin's Three Rules of Murder:
1. Don’t get your plan from Hollywood.
2. Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.
3. Don’t homeopathically poison someone.
And if you haven't seen PRACTICAL MAGIC, you should, because Sandra Bullock is perfect. Perfect 😍

p.s. I joke about how I wasn't consulted on the poisoning gone wrong, but please, for the love of dogs, don't do this. Someone actually contacted me once and wanted advice on how to poison someone and get away with it. They even told me why they wanted to do it.