ok nobody asked but here's my met gala outfit thread
the cool couple who just got married and your mum thinks it's not appropriate that the bride wore a sleeveless dress in front of the rabbi under the chuppah
you searched for 'sexy dybbuk costume' on amazon
.... you searched for 'sexier dybbuk costume' on amazon
your grandma has this on the sideboard as a nice little doily underneath the shabbos candle tray
gabrielle union i am so sorry ma'am but it's giving used bedikah cloth
when you have yom kippur at 7 but are hitting the clubs at 8
old school vs. new school emanuel kiddush cups
she is the shabbos queen. young and sweet. only seventeen.
it's giving fancy yerushalmi kaftan
theyre making live action remake of the garden of eden and this is the snake
the couple at shul that all the adults hate and all the children fear
the chicken that didn't get chosen for kaparot
the chicken that got chosen for kaparot
the single candlestick you received as a present for completing your shul's bat mitzvah program
the chabad leaning rabbi your non-chabad shul hired trying to appear as least threatening as possible
the 'i'm a nice jewish lady and my childrens friends came over on shabbat afternoon after i already changed out of my shabbos clothes so this is the modest pyjama set i put on so i can go make myself a cup of tea in the kitchen'
roman soldier prepares to invade jerusalem (colorised, 70CE)
the kiddush cup your parents' friend buys you for a wedding gift even though it wasn't on the registry and you know they had a gift certificate at the judaica store and needed to use it before it expired
the parochet
the sukkah decoration from preschool that has been destroyed by 20+ years of weather but that your mum refuses to throw away
'mommy look i'm wearing tatty's shabbos jacket'
i time travel to the shtetl and introduce them to the idea of disco balls
when your mum buys you and your brother the same outfit for chag because 'it's just easier that way'
the rabbi i want, nay, the rabbi i deserve
it's giving grandmother of the groom vibes
getting ready for bedikas chametz and your mum makes you take a picture
chabad mother resting on shabbos afternoon in the classic velvet nightgown and tichel
your non-religious uncle shows up to seder, refuses to care about dress codes
tallis bag send tweet
man who has been taken to the beis din by 17 other people in the community
cool camp counsellor is asked to wash the dishes with the campers because it's their night to help but he thinks he shouldn't have to help the kids
POV: you and your husband are shopping for a lulav and etrog set and youre waiting as your husband tries to find the perfect lulav to match your perfect etrog
local shul creep just said good shabbos and is waiting for you to reply even though your mum told you not to speak to him
outspoken member of the shul board trying to piss off the shul president by merely existing
the thing you put on top of airconditioning boxes to stop pigeons from building nests on them
shabbos queen judges you as you use the 18 minutes to finish getting ready
the table centrepieces at every bat mitzvah you attended in 2009
the rabbi's eight month old baby who is exclusively held by 12 year old girls
BREAKING NEWS: Off The Derech Brother of the Bar Mitzvah Boy Makes Entire Simcha About Him
man who treats shul like runway show but constantly ignores his son's snotty nose
the bar mitzvah boy's best friend
the mechitza at the rabbi's daughter's wedding
3 year old boy at the end of his upsherin holding onto candy and trying desperately not to cry as he looks in the mirror and doesn't recognise the little boy looking back at him

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More from @TheTonightSho

Apr 19
a man and a woman from Shevet Levi have a baby boy.
these are the humble beginnings of Moshe Rabbeinu - no names, no pomp and circumstance. this baby boy, like all others of the time, is destined for a swift and horrific death. he’s to be murdered before his life can begin. 1/14
but this is moshe. moshe is different.

in the opening sequences of his life, there’s a milah mancha, a recurring word: ראה, which means ‘see’. moshe’s mother sees that he is good. miriam sees him float down the Nile. bat pharaoh sees his basket drift toward her. 2/14
moshe is shown compassion and love by the women who define his life. his birth mother, despite the danger she and her family faces, hides him for as long as she can. his sister keeps a watchful eye, making sure he stays safe, ensuring her family knows his fate. 3/14
Read 14 tweets
Apr 19
how id use the new emojis as a jew: a thread
when u experience ur first shabbes in jerusalem and ur aircon turned off and u can’t turn it back on Image
when someone tells u big news but u already know bc u overheard someone telling someone else in the kosher supermarket Image
Read 23 tweets
Apr 6
i went on tour in the tenement museum. it was the tour guides second day working there. she taught us about two jewish families, and the 1902 meat riots. one family’s husband was a garment maker, the other a butcher. (1/12)
she explained that the families were both orthodox, and what that meant to them as new immigrants. she explained the man’s beard and his wife’s wig. she told us their english names - despite being in touch with their descendants, they don’t know what their hebrew ones were (2/12)
the guide kept saying “eastern european families” before correcting herself and saying “JEWISH eastern european families.” i wondered why she kept forgetting the qualifier: the story we were being told was distinctly jewish. (3/12)
Read 14 tweets
Apr 6
literally nobody asked but here are my grammy red carpet takes:

lady gaga looks like a black and white cookie
they both look like they stole their dads’ jacket off the back of his chair while he dozed off at shabbos lunch and played dress up
he’s literally wearing a kapoteh also apparently this isn’t post malone
Read 13 tweets
Apr 5
remember when madonna and other celebrities were into kabbalah for a hot sec in the early 2000s and we just,,,, let them do that? like they paid thousands of dollars to wear a red string on their wrists, did they know they can get that shit for like 5 shek by the kotel?
if ur gonna appropriate judiasm u also have to appropriate the stereotypes and be cheap
i hate everything about this first paragraph, but mostly the way it refers to kabbalah as a religion twice.
Read 4 tweets
Apr 5
*tips my hat toward the doorpost* m'zuzah
*tips my hat towards a big basket with two different types of foods in it* m'shloach m'not
*tips my hat toward the candelabra with nine candle holders* m'norah
Read 14 tweets

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