Thread by @Beanofmyexiste1

Thinking about #WarprizeJiSeason crack. Where the Wen and Jin sects hatch a plan to kidnap LWJ and deliver him to YLLZ so he will stay out of the war and leave them alone to their machinations.

Except they are terrible at sneaking up on HGJ. LWJ sees them trying with ropes and binding talismans a mile away and just nopes the fuck out before they can even get close

He doesn’t even bat an eye. A group of Wen cultivators surround him, waiting to pounce. And he just effortlessly jumps over all them them as they all rush at once and run into each other. HGJ nowhere to be seen.

He even purposely steps on a few of their faces as he leaps into the air to fly away on his sword. Because he’s annoyed they interrupted yet another perfectly quiet evening.

Until he overhears one of them complaining that they’ll never be able to deliver the war prize to YLLZ and appease him.

So he makes being captured as easy possible for their next attempt. He even tries a little to run, to try and not look too obvious.

Except the Wen and Jin soldiers are so incompetent that they couldn’t even keep up. Even when he’s not trying!!

After the 3rd attempt to be kidnapped. LWJ was starting to get very annoyed. 😑

LW has finally had enough. He eventually got so tired of trying to make it easy for them to capture him, he decided to just. Turn himself in.

But he couldn’t just walk into the Wen or Jin compounds and surrender. It would be a bad look for the Lans.

So he hatched another plan. He makes his next travel plans widely known. Declaring to everyone where and when he was staying.

As he was laying down to “sleep” for the night, he heard the (very loud and badly concealed) steps of the cultivators climbing the roof and the windows.

He sighs internally and closes his eyes.

After some loud banging and cursing, LWJ found himself (finally) tied up, with crudely made talismans stuck to him.

He made a mental note to have a word with the young cultivators guild about the state of their knot tying class.

Yes in my AU there’s a guild that helps all young cultivators learn basic survivor skills such as knots and fire making, etc. They get badges. It’s all very cute.

Anyway, LWJ is glad that he can FINALLY see WY after all of this effort.

That thought is is the only thing holding him back from beating up the stupid gloating soldiers loudly boasting that they “got the best of the great HGJ”.

When the Wen and Jin soldiers drop LWJ off at the Burial Mounds, trussed up in marriage robes, WWX was very confused, a little excited, and also angry that they would do something like this to LZ!

wwx: Lan Zhan! Are you ok?! What did they do to you?!
LWJ, still playing the part: they surprised me in my sleep. It would seem that I am an offering to you.
wwx: 😳😳😳
wwx: uh…hold that thought

20 minutes of beating the living crap out of the Wen and Jin soldiers for doing this to LZ later…

wwx: I took care of them, Lan Zhan! You don’t have to stay. I can send you back!
Lwj: *pretends to faint*

When LWJ opens his eyes again, he’s laying in a bed in a cave. WWX is looking at him with such worry in his eyes that it’s making LWJ very giddy inside.

WWX: Lan Zhan! You’re awake! WQ said there’s nothing wrong with you, thank god!

LZ, still processing the fact that he is in wwx’s bed…doesn’t respond.

He does make a mental note to thank WQ for not giving away that he was totally awake the whole time.

Wwx, thinking that LZ is still in shock, rushes to reassure him.

wwx: it’s ok! WQ reminded me how it would look if I just gave you back to the Lans. Everyone would think I defiled you and then rejected you!
I would never let anyone question your honor! 😤

WWX: how about you stay and we’ll figure something out? 😊

LZ could cry from happiness. He’ll name their first born after WQ.

LWJ: mn. I’m happy to stay with WY.

WWX: 😳😳 oh uh…this is my room, make yourself comfortable! We can share!

LWJ proceeds to try and seduce WWX to the best of his ability. A robe slip off the shoulder here, and accidental coming out of the bath while wwx is walking in there…but nothing happens.

Meanwhile WWX is having a horny crisis.

WWX laments to WQ and WN one night while drunk.

WWX: it’s so hard! He’s…very beautiful you know! 🫣 But I can’t just…it’s against his wishes! We’re not even married!!

WQ: 🙄🙄
WN: 🥺 I’m sure he likes you too!
WWX: *more horny panic*

WQ, who knows exactly what’s going on, is so tired of the both of them.
🙄🙄😑😑

WQ: why don’t you two officially get married? The whole cultivation world already thinks you’re banging.
This way it doesn’t look like you’re simply taking advantage of him.

WWX: you’re a genius WQ! 🥹🥹 This way he can officially go back visit the cloud recesses without it looking like I got tired of him! 🥺 Plus he came in marriage attires so we could save some money…🤔

WQ: whatever just get it over with. 😑

wwx: hey Lan Zhan, I think we should maybe get marri…👉👈

lz: yes. Ok I agree.

wwx: 😳😳 Really?? b-but I had a whole speech prepared about honor and family and stuff.

Meanwhile lwj is already putting on the marriage robes he came in.

The whole cultivation world is buzzing with the news that the fearsome YLLZ had officially taken a wife! And it’s the great and venerable HGJ!

Meanwhile on wedding night, wwx is still in the midst of another horny panic. He had another whole speech prepared about how if LZ doesn’t want to do anything, they don’t have to, they can take it slow. The whole marriage is just for show, etc…

After the festivities, they retire to the wedding chamber, and wwx nervously tries to work up the courage to say his piece…

LZ: *strips naked* while looking at WY like he wants to eat him

wwx: 🫣🫣😳😳 oh guess I didn’t need the speech after all…

They spend the whole next week in bed. Wwx emerges from the room with numerous bruises and bites.

Now the new rumor is that HGJ is actually the fearsome one. Have you seen how defeated YLLZ looks after their marriage?!

After the wedding, wwx officially allies himself with the Lans, and they take out the Wens and the Jins.

Peace is restored to the cultivation world, all thanks to the great HGJ offering himself up, and then besting the fearful YLLZ until he submitted!

The story of how HGJ Trojan horsed himself as the war prize, only to bend the YLLZ to his will and save everyone spread far and wide.

What a man worthy of his title!!

Meanwhile HGJ: 🍑👀 and thinking dirty thoughts

wwx: 😏 lz have you heard? You purposely sacrificed your honor so you could defeat lil old me in battle to save the world!

Lwj: mn. 😌And I must defeat you again every night.

wwx: 😳😳

Wq: 😑😑 dammit will u two move out pls.

The Wen remnants, along with wwx and Lwj, move back to cloud recesses to live the rest of their lives in peace.

Oh and WQ and LWJ became besties.

The end!

Sorry for all the deletes! I’m still trying to figure out threadfics work 😬

Anyway here’s the beginning:

https://twitter.com/Beanofmyexiste1/status/1523205020186910721