1/
Time of death: 3:46 PM.
The ICU fell silent. A heavy cloak of sorrow pressed down on the room.
*whoosh*
The familiar rush of heat came to my face. Next came the prickling in my eyes. Once the tears started I knew they wouldn’t stop.
Shit.
I needed to get out of there.
Time of death: 3:46 PM.
The ICU fell silent. A heavy cloak of sorrow pressed down on the room.
*whoosh*
The familiar rush of heat came to my face. Next came the prickling in my eyes. Once the tears started I knew they wouldn’t stop.
Shit.
I needed to get out of there.
2/
She was my patient. And out of deference I knew I should still myself and stand in the awful with the team.
But I needed to get out of there. Before I started to cry.
Because we don’t do that. Not here. Not in front of people.
At least, that’s what I’d been taught.
She was my patient. And out of deference I knew I should still myself and stand in the awful with the team.
But I needed to get out of there. Before I started to cry.
Because we don’t do that. Not here. Not in front of people.
At least, that’s what I’d been taught.
3/
See, when I was a med student on my OB rotation, I was assisting on an emergency delivery. When the baby was born, there was no pulse or spontaneous breaths.
All hell broke loose.
Thumbs compressing a tiny chest. Meds. Intubation and O2.
And then . . . nothing.
*whoosh*
See, when I was a med student on my OB rotation, I was assisting on an emergency delivery. When the baby was born, there was no pulse or spontaneous breaths.
All hell broke loose.
Thumbs compressing a tiny chest. Meds. Intubation and O2.
And then . . . nothing.
*whoosh*
4/
The tears splashed down my cheeks before I could stop them. My chin trembled and my breath quickened.
Before I could say or do anything, I felt something grip my upper arm and tug me.
Hard.
Out of the room.
Out of the ground zero of my patient’s suffering.
The tears splashed down my cheeks before I could stop them. My chin trembled and my breath quickened.
Before I could say or do anything, I felt something grip my upper arm and tug me.
Hard.
Out of the room.
Out of the ground zero of my patient’s suffering.
5/
“We don’t do that.”
My resident hissed those words at me through gritted teeth. They also went on to say: “We signed up to console our patients. Not the other way around. Go and get yourself together. Because WE DON’T DO THAT.”
We don’t do that.
Got it.
“We don’t do that.”
My resident hissed those words at me through gritted teeth. They also went on to say: “We signed up to console our patients. Not the other way around. Go and get yourself together. Because WE DON’T DO THAT.”
We don’t do that.
Got it.
6/
And so.
Throughout the rest of med school and most of residency, that is what I did. Ran to stairwells and call rooms and bathrooms to cry. Or rather, go get myself together.
So here I was feeling the onset of emotion in that ICU. I needed to go.
Because we don’t do that.
And so.
Throughout the rest of med school and most of residency, that is what I did. Ran to stairwells and call rooms and bathrooms to cry. Or rather, go get myself together.
So here I was feeling the onset of emotion in that ICU. I needed to go.
Because we don’t do that.
7/
But just as I stepped toward the heavy sliding glass door in the PICU, I saw something happen.
Tears falling like sheets from my attending’s eyes. Gazing straight ahead at the now lifeless body of our patient.
He dropped his head and wept. Hard.
Wait. What?
But just as I stepped toward the heavy sliding glass door in the PICU, I saw something happen.
Tears falling like sheets from my attending’s eyes. Gazing straight ahead at the now lifeless body of our patient.
He dropped his head and wept. Hard.
Wait. What?
8/
That did it. The dam broke and my tears came rushing in. A nurse rubbed my back. Which made me cry even more.
Then, suddenly, my attending cleared his throat and looked at me with bloodshot eyes.
Him: “You ready to go talk to the family?”
I froze in horror.
That did it. The dam broke and my tears came rushing in. A nurse rubbed my back. Which made me cry even more.
Then, suddenly, my attending cleared his throat and looked at me with bloodshot eyes.
Him: “You ready to go talk to the family?”
I froze in horror.
9/
I mean, crying here with the team was one thing. But I wasn’t strong enough to remain stoic with that family.
And so I said just that.
Me: “I can’t.”
Him: “She is our patient. We must. Let’s go.”
He turned and walked out of the unit. This conversation was over.
Shit.
I mean, crying here with the team was one thing. But I wasn’t strong enough to remain stoic with that family.
And so I said just that.
Me: “I can’t.”
Him: “She is our patient. We must. Let’s go.”
He turned and walked out of the unit. This conversation was over.
Shit.
10/
When we got to the family waiting area, he led the discussion. His voice was tender and empathic. And emotionally transparent.
The family exploded in various expressions of grief. Shrieks. Moans. Sobs.
And that’s when I saw it. My attending brimming with emotion.
Again.
When we got to the family waiting area, he led the discussion. His voice was tender and empathic. And emotionally transparent.
The family exploded in various expressions of grief. Shrieks. Moans. Sobs.
And that’s when I saw it. My attending brimming with emotion.
Again.
11/
I had cared for this patient with all of my might. This healthy elementary school-aged kid who was overwhelmed by a sudden life threatening infection. I’d grown to love her. And her family, too.
But I’d been taught the rules. I needed to get out of there.
Now.
I had cared for this patient with all of my might. This healthy elementary school-aged kid who was overwhelmed by a sudden life threatening infection. I’d grown to love her. And her family, too.
But I’d been taught the rules. I needed to get out of there.
Now.
12/
And so I did.
Out of the room.
Out of the ground zero of the suffering.
To get myself together.
I pressed muffled sobs into my fist. I faced the wall and waited for my attending to come out.
Finally, he did.
And so I did.
Out of the room.
Out of the ground zero of the suffering.
To get myself together.
I pressed muffled sobs into my fist. I faced the wall and waited for my attending to come out.
Finally, he did.
13/
I turned around to face him. My lips were already quivering.
Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to cry in front of the family.”
He held my gaze for a few beats. And then he spoke firmly.
Him: “A family has lost their child. That’s something to cry about.”
*silence*
I turned around to face him. My lips were already quivering.
Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to cry in front of the family.”
He held my gaze for a few beats. And then he spoke firmly.
Him: “A family has lost their child. That’s something to cry about.”
*silence*
14/
Me: “But . . but I thought we should never cry in front of patients or their families.”
Him: “In front of them? I cried with them.”
Me: *listening
Him: “We laugh with our patients. It’s okay to feel pain with them, too. At least, that’s what I think.”
I gave a tiny nod.
Me: “But . . but I thought we should never cry in front of patients or their families.”
Him: “In front of them? I cried with them.”
Me: *listening
Him: “We laugh with our patients. It’s okay to feel pain with them, too. At least, that’s what I think.”
I gave a tiny nod.
15/
Him: “I hope I never get to the point where something like this doesn’t make me feel something.”
Me: *whisper* “Me too.”
*whoosh*
And the tears flowed again.
That day was a pivot point for me. His example and insight gave me permission to feel out loud.
Yup.
Him: “I hope I never get to the point where something like this doesn’t make me feel something.”
Me: *whisper* “Me too.”
*whoosh*
And the tears flowed again.
That day was a pivot point for me. His example and insight gave me permission to feel out loud.
Yup.
16/
And listen—I know emotion looks a lot of ways. I also know that feeling is not only synonymous with tears.
But.
We must normalize emotions other than anger.
So now? I stay. In the room. In the joy AND in the pain.
Because we DO do that.
Yeah.
#humanismalways 💛
And listen—I know emotion looks a lot of ways. I also know that feeling is not only synonymous with tears.
But.
We must normalize emotions other than anger.
So now? I stay. In the room. In the joy AND in the pain.
Because we DO do that.
Yeah.
#humanismalways 💛
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
