Thread by @LL_cool_josh

I was inspired by last night's #alamtg Grand Street separated bike lane item to create a generic script we can use any time council is considering a New Thing so we can just skip to the end and avoid staying up until after midnight. Enjoy! 1/x

Mayor Ezzy Ashcraft: Ok for this next item we'll be considering New Thing. Planning, Building, and Transportation Director Andrew Thomas will present.

Director Thomas: Thank you mayor. Here is a description of New Thing. Here is the process by which we decided 2/x

...to recommend New Thing. As you can see, New Thing is consistent with all city policies and objectives and benefits the community at large. Also

Mayor EA: It looks like you've run out of time, do you need like five more minutes? Ok can we have a roll call vote? 3/x

[Council votes 5-0 to extend Andrew Thomas' time]

Andrew Thomas: Thank you mayor. As I was saying, this was thought out very deliberately with extensive process and committee/board approval. It is the best and most logical option give city policies. 4/x

Mayor EA: Thank you director Thomas. Do council members have questions?

CM Knox White: Is New Thing in fact good? Is it in fact beneficial? Has it in fact been vetted? [Director Thomas answers in the affirmative.]

CM Herrera Spencer: I didn't totally follow that but 5/x

...I will say that I have a lot of concerns. What do you have to say about this specious and non-factual objection I have to New Thing?

Dir. Thomas [in the nicest possible voice]: As I said before, the premise of your question is incorrect and... 6/x

New Thing does in fact meet all the city's needs and requirements.

[CM Herrera Spencer and Director Thomas and staff go back and forth several more times with the CM raising specious concerns and AT debunking them.] 7/x

CM Daysong: Director Thomas, do you have an answer to this hyper-specific question about a nuisance that could result from New Thing that no one has ever thought about before?

Dir. Thomas: I think it's probably fine. And again, this is what city policy calls for. 8/x

Mayor EA: Ok, time for public comment on New Thing.

[45 people call in. 30 of them support New Thing and reiterate the reasons it is the obvious choice given city policy and the communities needs. 15 of them say "Of course I support New Thing in principle, but 9/x

"...in this instance since it might cause me a minor inconvenience I have done a crash course in urban planning/transportation engineering and I have major concerns about traffic, accessibility, and other issues that the actual experts at city hall failed to consider" 10/x

[Public comment wraps after an hour and 20 minutes]

Mayor EA: "Ok would any of my colleagues like to comment?"

CM Knox White: "As Director Thomas and the majority commenters said, New Thing is good and consistent with city policy. If we can't simply follow 11/x

"...policy with this New Thing, how can we ever be trusted to follow it when other new things are needed? If we can't do this, what even is the point of all these policies in the first place?"

CM Herrera Spencer: "I don't know about all that, but New Thing would 12/x

"represent a change from the status quo and the people who live on that street don't want that so I can't support it. Also, since New Thing won't be used by 100% of current #alamtg residents, we should just continue to promote driving and detached single-family 13/x

"...home living until the angry sea swallows us all. Lastly, I detected faint disrespect by a commenter/city staffer that was not at all warranted by my persistent magical thinking, question begging and disregard for city policy. Shame!" 14/x

CM Knox White: [light behind eyes dims as he slowly dies inside, is more sure than ever of his decision not to run for reelection]

CM Daysog: [rambling incoherent repetitive comment that raises extremely niche concerns while also somewhat acknowledging 15/x

that yes, there is a reason to do New Thing.] "So given that, I may or may not support this depending how I feel in the moment. Yolo!"

CM Vella: "I'm basically in agreement with CM Knox White, here is another smart point about why New Thing should happen." 16/x

Mayor Ashcraft: "Yes, New Thing is consistent with city policy and would benefit the wider community. But like my colleagues CM Herrera Spencer and Daysog, I have to make a show of overweighting the concerns of powerful and noisy local residents, 17/x

"...so here's what we're going to do: send it back to the Planning Department for further study on this niche thing I plucked out of the discussion, and let's see New Thing again in 3 months at which time I will totaly vote for it, because it's the correct course of action." 18/x

CM Knox White: [internal screaming] "I make a motion to do whatever it is Mayor Ashcraft needs so that she can support what she knows full well is best for this community, racial equity, and the planet."

Mayor Ashcraft: "Great, let's take a roll call." 19/x

[Council votes. The motion passes 3-2 with Herrera Spencer and Daysog opposed.]

#alamtg Mayor Ashcraft: "Thank you so much to everyone who called in to offer your thoughts on New Thing, this will lead to a better project and was totally not a waste of everyone's time!" 20/20