Sooz Kempner Profile picture
Jul 10 4 tweets 2 min read
It's a shame the #Wimbledon final is tainted by arseholery coz WHAT a match-up.

This and the @Lionesses is giving me just enough summer of sport to get me stressed in a fun way. Thank you, sport.
It's quite funny that Kyrgios is riled in the #Wimbledon final coz a hammered British woman is yelling Britishly from the crowd and while it's going on and he's grumbling away he serves two RIDICULOUS aces.
Djokovic having a massive poop to wind up Kyrgios. #Wimbledon
Still think his eating-the-grass bit is quite funny turns out. #Wimbledon

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More from @SoozUK

Jul 11
THREAD: The Tory leadership candidates as 90s British cars.

JEREMY HUNT: Ford Mondeo. Zero edge no matter how slick the design is. There was talk that they listed to the left but they want everyone to know they’ve DEFINITELY fixed that now. ImageImage
SAJID JAVID: Rover 100. A brand you can trust? A modern Mini? One of us? A safe pair of hands? Deeply uncool, woefully unreliable and horribly uncomfortable even in top spec. ImageImage
LIZ TRUSS: Nissan Patrol. This deathtrap will cost you a fortune in maintenance and running and endangers all who encounter it yet it remains unscathed. Deeply stupid. Terrible for the environment. ImageImage
Read 12 tweets
Feb 21
Loads and loads of people died because this government opened too early and locked down too late time and time again. They created an atmosphere where people were cool with 1000+ people dying of COVID a week. I guess that's just how it is now.
It'll be back late this year, death rates will suddenly spike again and anyone who dares say "this is bad and avoidable" will be called...I dunno, anti-British or something. What a crapshow.
Even if you really hate woke snowflake cucks can you just vote the Tories out in the next election coz they're full-on selling off the NHS and I'm sure you'd rather we have one and make it better.
Read 5 tweets
Feb 21
"The Queen will still be doing LIGHT DUTIES and SHE HAS MILD SYMPTOMS!!!"

She's 95, I don't reckon she's scaling back from bungee jumping while she has a runny nose. What duties was she doing before this?
"Alright lads, I won't be able to help you with the guttering for a couple of days coz I've got bloody COVID. No, no, still working obvs, but just gonna do hoovering and a few emails" - the Queen
People are answering the original tweet seriously. "The Queen has servants and staff" NO WAY REALLY
Read 4 tweets
Dec 24, 2021
Top 10 Holiday Specials:

10. X Factor Final 2009: An opera quartet (actually musical theatre, all met at drama school) vs a builder with a semi-reliable top Bb (who has worked consistently as a singer)! Builder won with a haunting acoustic cover of Welcome to the Jungle.
9. Top Gear Xmas Special 2012: Jeremy puts a Santa hat on a Muslim man in the studio audience before giving a look to camera that makes sick speed through my thorax and gush forth on to the couch and everything I'm wearing.
8. The Wire Halloween Spooktacular 2007: Some people were disappointed with this episode that saw McNulty hiding in corners and jumping out to scare hapless fellow cops but in a show that was known for its gritty realism I felt it was nice to have some frivolity.
Read 10 tweets
Dec 22, 2021
THREAD: This thread is for people who will be at their family home for Christmas and therefore watching #EastEnders for the only time in 2021. Allow me to get you all caught up on the goings-on in Albert Square in its most explosive week of the year! Image
We’ll start with Chelsea and Denise’s wedding storylines! Denise is the wayward Chelsea’s mother and they’re both marrying their fellas on the same day: Christmas Day! That’s nice isn’t it. Image
Denise is marrying her longterm boyfriend Jack who is nice. Image
Read 32 tweets
Nov 24, 2021
THREAD: Today marks 30 years since we lost #FreddieMercury. Here (in thread-form) is a piece I wrote on him for @StandardIssueUK in 2016.
I don’t know when I became a Queen fan but in 1989 I sang Killer Queen for anybody who would listen (I was 4 so literally everybody listened). A song about a high-class escort wouldn’t be anybody’s first choice for a kid to sing but I really knocked that shit out of the park.
Various big moments throughout my life have been scored by Freddie. At our school’s leavers concert I sat at the piano and played Friends Will Be Friends, not feeling remotely self-conscious about the fact that Freddie was a cracking pianist and Sooz Kempner…not so much.
Read 20 tweets

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