1/
#WeBelong, Day 4 of 7
Hospital ward, circa 1998
*knocking on the wall*
Me: “Hello. . . Um, are you. , .”
I reconciled your name on my note card. You looked up at me with an inexplicable expression.
You: “Yes?”
Your eyes narrowed in suspicion. And I bristled.
#WeBelong, Day 4 of 7
Hospital ward, circa 1998
*knocking on the wall*
Me: “Hello. . . Um, are you. , .”
I reconciled your name on my note card. You looked up at me with an inexplicable expression.
You: “Yes?”
Your eyes narrowed in suspicion. And I bristled.
2/
I stood up taller and cleared my throat in an effort to increase my psychological size. You placed your crossword puzzle face down on the tray table and raised your eyebrows.
Me: “Um, yes. My name is Dr. Draper and I’m one of the doctors that’ll be caring for you.”
I stood up taller and cleared my throat in an effort to increase my psychological size. You placed your crossword puzzle face down on the tray table and raised your eyebrows.
Me: “Um, yes. My name is Dr. Draper and I’m one of the doctors that’ll be caring for you.”
3/
You: “You my doctor?”
Me: “I am.”
Just then, I noticed you release the tiniest, almost imperceptible inward sigh. Which was admittedly surprising to me.
Here’s why:
Your pecan complexion and greying temples mirrored those of my own family. This wasn’t what I expected.
You: “You my doctor?”
Me: “I am.”
Just then, I noticed you release the tiniest, almost imperceptible inward sigh. Which was admittedly surprising to me.
Here’s why:
Your pecan complexion and greying temples mirrored those of my own family. This wasn’t what I expected.
4/
The throaty soul in your voice sounded like home. And the rows of firm curls in the perfect pattern of a recent roller set reminded me of the church ladies in my Auntie Renee’s beauty shop.
Yup.
But you weren’t happy to see me. In fact, you seemed disappointed.
For real.
The throaty soul in your voice sounded like home. And the rows of firm curls in the perfect pattern of a recent roller set reminded me of the church ladies in my Auntie Renee’s beauty shop.
Yup.
But you weren’t happy to see me. In fact, you seemed disappointed.
For real.
5/
You were nearing your 9th decade. And my experience with those like you was usually the complete opposite of this. I was used to eyes glistening with proud tears. And sometimes? Even being pulled in for a hug.
“Keep going, baby!” they’d say.
But not you. Not today.
You were nearing your 9th decade. And my experience with those like you was usually the complete opposite of this. I was used to eyes glistening with proud tears. And sometimes? Even being pulled in for a hug.
“Keep going, baby!” they’d say.
But not you. Not today.
6/
Still, you allowed me to do the history & physical. Your answers were staccato and your body was cooperative but stiff. And every so often your eyes drifted toward the door.
As if you were looking for someone else.
Me: “Is everything okay?”
You: “It’s fine.”
But was it?
Still, you allowed me to do the history & physical. Your answers were staccato and your body was cooperative but stiff. And every so often your eyes drifted toward the door.
As if you were looking for someone else.
Me: “Is everything okay?”
You: “It’s fine.”
But was it?
7/
I didn’t have the confidence to probe. So I just did the best I could.
When my team returned with our attending, you were like a different person. Now you looked more comfortable. And, well. . . satisfied.
Now your daughter was at the bedside with you. She gave me a nod.
I didn’t have the confidence to probe. So I just did the best I could.
When my team returned with our attending, you were like a different person. Now you looked more comfortable. And, well. . . satisfied.
Now your daughter was at the bedside with you. She gave me a nod.
8/
And I appreciated that nod of acknowledgment given that I was the only Black person on that team.
My attending finished up his exam and answered several questions (which now, you had.) He even cracked a few jokes with you, which you seemed to like.
And that was that.
And I appreciated that nod of acknowledgment given that I was the only Black person on that team.
My attending finished up his exam and answered several questions (which now, you had.) He even cracked a few jokes with you, which you seemed to like.
And that was that.
9/
Later that afternoon I ran into your daughter near the vending machines.
Her: “Hey again!”
Me: “Oh, hey!”
She slid a dollar into the machine and punched in a key for some M&Ms.
Her: “Girl, was my mama ice-grilling you?”
I froze, then winced and nodded.
*laughter*
Later that afternoon I ran into your daughter near the vending machines.
Her: “Hey again!”
Me: “Oh, hey!”
She slid a dollar into the machine and punched in a key for some M&Ms.
Her: “Girl, was my mama ice-grilling you?”
I froze, then winced and nodded.
*laughter*
11/
Ice-grill, as in a steely—and usually unfriendly—stare.
Me: “Well, at least she warmed up when my attending came in.”
Her: *eye roll* “Girl. That’s ‘cause he white.”
She said it so matter-of-factly—tapping M&Ms into her palm like this declaration was no big deal.
Damn.
Ice-grill, as in a steely—and usually unfriendly—stare.
Me: “Well, at least she warmed up when my attending came in.”
Her: *eye roll* “Girl. That’s ‘cause he white.”
She said it so matter-of-factly—tapping M&Ms into her palm like this declaration was no big deal.
Damn.
12/
Me: “Wait, what?”
Her: “It’s crazy. Mama grew up down south—like deep in Alabama during Jim Crow. And I think she associate what’s good with what’s white. And, to this day, will tell you to your face that she don’t want no ‘colored doctor’ seeing her.”
She shook her head.
Me: “Wait, what?”
Her: “It’s crazy. Mama grew up down south—like deep in Alabama during Jim Crow. And I think she associate what’s good with what’s white. And, to this day, will tell you to your face that she don’t want no ‘colored doctor’ seeing her.”
She shook her head.
13/
Her: “Sad, ain’t it?”
I didn’t know what to say.
Her: “And I tell her, ‘Mama, you colored yourself. You ain’t making no sense.’ But she don’t budge.”
I gave a tiny nod.
Her: “So don’t take it personal, hear? She seen a lot in her life, you know?”
I nodded again.
Her: “Sad, ain’t it?”
I didn’t know what to say.
Her: “And I tell her, ‘Mama, you colored yourself. You ain’t making no sense.’ But she don’t budge.”
I gave a tiny nod.
Her: “So don’t take it personal, hear? She seen a lot in her life, you know?”
I nodded again.
14/
A few days after your discharge, I recounted that experience to my dad over the phone.
Him: “Yeah, your Mudear was like that, too. But a lot of it was because the places that saw us were run down and low on stuff. The whites only places were nicer.”
Me: “The doctors, too?”
A few days after your discharge, I recounted that experience to my dad over the phone.
Him: “Yeah, your Mudear was like that, too. But a lot of it was because the places that saw us were run down and low on stuff. The whites only places were nicer.”
Me: “The doctors, too?”
15/
Him: “I guess if everything is shiny and clean in one place and not the other, you might believe that.”
Me: *listening*
Him: “But a lot can change in a generation, you know?”
Yeah. I do know.
That was over 20 years ago. But I still think of you and that day sometimes.
Him: “I guess if everything is shiny and clean in one place and not the other, you might believe that.”
Me: *listening*
Him: “But a lot can change in a generation, you know?”
Yeah. I do know.
That was over 20 years ago. But I still think of you and that day sometimes.
16/
Even as I walk into Grady, I am reminded of your experience. Built in the shape of an H for intentional segregation, those like you and my Mudear (grandmother) felt the sting of thread bare, unlaundered sheets and longer waits.
Yup.
Though it hurt that day, I understood.
Even as I walk into Grady, I am reminded of your experience. Built in the shape of an H for intentional segregation, those like you and my Mudear (grandmother) felt the sting of thread bare, unlaundered sheets and longer waits.
Yup.
Though it hurt that day, I understood.
17/
That wasn’t the last time I’d have a Black patient not want me as their doctor solely based on race. But instead of getting mad or hurt, I remember that this is a casualty of structural racism.
And that a lot can change in a generation.
You know?
#WeBelong 💛
That wasn’t the last time I’d have a Black patient not want me as their doctor solely based on race. But instead of getting mad or hurt, I remember that this is a casualty of structural racism.
And that a lot can change in a generation.
You know?
#WeBelong 💛
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