POCD //
WWX distancing himself from his family because after Jin Ling’s birth he started having intrusive thoughts about hurting him.
WWX distancing himself from his family because after Jin Ling’s birth he started having intrusive thoughts about hurting him.
Eventually the truth will get out and jiejie will be like “Yeah when I was a kid I had thoughts about yeeting A’Cheng out a window, it happens.” But not without a lot of pain first!!!!!
I thought about JC’s initial reaction being horror and revulsion but hmm I’m not sure I can go there actually
Actually you know what, let the Peacock be the one to say “I wanted to yeet my little cousin out a window.” Let him be unexpectedly helpful while wwx is mortified that this conversation is happening at all.
POCD //
He was starting to develop a relationship with lwj and then he stops talking to him, because dating and sex and kissing are not things he can let himself /touch/ right now, and because Lan Zhan would be disgusted too, if he knew, Lan Zhan would never want to touch him.
He was starting to develop a relationship with lwj and then he stops talking to him, because dating and sex and kissing are not things he can let himself /touch/ right now, and because Lan Zhan would be disgusted too, if he knew, Lan Zhan would never want to touch him.
Wwx sends a text like “I’m sorry. Please leave me alone. You deserve better.” Which in that moment really feels like the best thing he can say! But lxc sees it and thinks it’s some melodramatic bullshit!! Because he’s been the one holding lwj when he cries over it!!
Self harm //
When lxc sees wwx at the grocery store, he goes into full gege mode and chews him out for that. And wow, this might be the worst wwx has ever felt in his life! He wants to scream and throw up and claw his own skin off!
When lxc sees wwx at the grocery store, he goes into full gege mode and chews him out for that. And wow, this might be the worst wwx has ever felt in his life! He wants to scream and throw up and claw his own skin off!
They live in a small community and word gets around. When lxc gets home, lwj is waiting for him, furious. Lxc is like “I thought he was being cruel, but he’s not. He’s really not well.” Lwj is like “Yeah, I know, asshole” and doesn’t talk to him for two days.
lwj decides to text him again: "I care about you. I want to help."
wwx: "you wouldn't if you knew"
lwj: "Knew what?"
wwx: "you wouldn't if you knew"
lwj: "Knew what?"
POCD //
wwx holds onto this message until, in the quiet depth of 2 A.M., he texts lwj a full confession: what he's thought, what he's done with those thoughts, the memories, that he's not even sure are real, of poking or tapping where he shouldn't.
And then he blocks the number.
wwx holds onto this message until, in the quiet depth of 2 A.M., he texts lwj a full confession: what he's thought, what he's done with those thoughts, the memories, that he's not even sure are real, of poking or tapping where he shouldn't.
And then he blocks the number.
He doesn't sleep the rest of the night because he's half expecting the cops to show up. It would be good, if Lan Zhan called the cops. It would be good for him. But what about the betrayal, the devastation, the disgust on jiejie's face?
lwj, from the moment he wakes up and reads the texts, starts researching. He doesn't know what this is, but he couldn't hate Wei Ying for it, not ever. Within an hour or two, he's got several comprehensive articles and a list of specialists.
Would it be overstepping, to give this to Wei Ying's sister?
Possibly. He doesn't care.
Possibly. He doesn't care.
Oh god wei ying. When JYL tries to talk to him about it, he doesn't let her. He can't. He screams until she goes away, and he saw that she's crying and he hates himself so much, but the thought of his sister knowing what he is is more than he could handle.
And the thought of her still trying to show him compassion? As if she somehow didn't understand the incredible /wrongness/ of this, or somehow was trying to excuse it? He's disgusted with himself for tricking her into that. He wants to be sick.
Oooh, Wen Qing asks for help babysitting her little cousin while she’s doing med school bullshit. And wwx has met A’Yuan and adores him, and more importantly A’Yuan adores wwx! But he says no, every time. He has excuses at first, but eventually he starts giving her a flat “no”.
And her family might be struggling right now but she has her pride, so eventually she stops asking. And stops talking to him. God, she’s so angry at him, she never expected him to be such an asshole about this.
Alcohol, self harm //
One night she texts him, "A'Yuan asked me what happened to you. You asshole." And he says "tell him I'm sorry," and she says "I'm not telling him shit," so he gets drunk and claws at his forearms until they bleed.
One night she texts him, "A'Yuan asked me what happened to you. You asshole." And he says "tell him I'm sorry," and she says "I'm not telling him shit," so he gets drunk and claws at his forearms until they bleed.
Anyway. JYL is so glad wei ying's friend reached out to her about OCD. She asked wei ying if he would come with her to see a therapist, and he says no. She says, "what if someone came to the house?" and he says that's fine but he won't talk to them.
Therapy is for sad kids, and victims of awful shit, and nice boys with depression. It's not for people like him. He is not a nice boy.
Now that she has something to work with, she's trying harder to coax him out of his room, to get him to come to family dinners and go on walks with her and the baby. "I think I know why you won't hold him," she says, and wei ying wants to scream and hide his face.
She can't know. If she really knew, she wouldn't be like this.
If she's really okay with him, doesn't that make her a monster too?
He's trying not to think about it.
If she's really okay with him, doesn't that make her a monster too?
He's trying not to think about it.
POCD (sorry I know I need to tag these) //
Jiang Cheng is living with some roommates closer to work, but he's coming to visit almost every day now. They go on walks and talk about work. JC's work. WWX doesn't talk about his job because he's missing all his deadlines,
Jiang Cheng is living with some roommates closer to work, but he's coming to visit almost every day now. They go on walks and talk about work. JC's work. WWX doesn't talk about his job because he's missing all his deadlines,
POCD //
showing up two hours late because he can't get out of bed, hiding in the bathroom to cry for no good reason. He knows it's a matter of time before they fire him. This lady in HR is relentless, though, shoving resources in his face, saying she knows he's struggling.
showing up two hours late because he can't get out of bed, hiding in the bathroom to cry for no good reason. He knows it's a matter of time before they fire him. This lady in HR is relentless, though, shoving resources in his face, saying she knows he's struggling.
POCD //
She has no fucking idea. Maybe if he loses his temper with this lady, he can go ahead and get himself fired. He just wants to get it over with at this point.
She has no fucking idea. Maybe if he loses his temper with this lady, he can go ahead and get himself fired. He just wants to get it over with at this point.
POCD //
"You're bright, you're very talented, and you're a real asset to this place," she says. "We really don't want to lose you."
He shrugs. He restrains himself from saying "You should." He restrains himself from telling her why.
"You're bright, you're very talented, and you're a real asset to this place," she says. "We really don't want to lose you."
He shrugs. He restrains himself from saying "You should." He restrains himself from telling her why.
POCD //
He thinks about it. Going up to his boss and saying "I'm quitting because I'm a pedophile." Telling JC to keep his distance for the same reason. Telling Jin Zixuan, so he finally kicks him out of his house. But he knows he's too much of a coward to say it.
He thinks about it. Going up to his boss and saying "I'm quitting because I'm a pedophile." Telling JC to keep his distance for the same reason. Telling Jin Zixuan, so he finally kicks him out of his house. But he knows he's too much of a coward to say it.
POCD, suicide //
If he were less of a coward, he'd tell everyone. He'd tell Wen Qing. He'd tell the police. He'd write it in a suicide note and send himself to hell.
If he were less of a coward, he'd tell everyone. He'd tell Wen Qing. He'd tell the police. He'd write it in a suicide note and send himself to hell.
POCD //
Anyway do we want to fast forward a little? JYL being like, "That Lan Zhan really cares about you," and wwx smiling sheepishly and saying "Yeah...it's his one flaw." Jiejie rolls her eyes and says "none of that" and wwx buries his face in his hands bc he's really in love.
Anyway do we want to fast forward a little? JYL being like, "That Lan Zhan really cares about you," and wwx smiling sheepishly and saying "Yeah...it's his one flaw." Jiejie rolls her eyes and says "none of that" and wwx buries his face in his hands bc he's really in love.
POCD //
Hey maybe instead of being horrified, JC is like “That’s it?? That’s the whole reason you stopped talking to us, because you had a bad thought??” He is furious and wwx really doesn’t know how to feel about it!
Hey maybe instead of being horrified, JC is like “That’s it?? That’s the whole reason you stopped talking to us, because you had a bad thought??” He is furious and wwx really doesn’t know how to feel about it!
If this were an actual fic I’d write scenes with lwj where wwx discovers how attraction can feel safe, can feel good, how he’s allowed to feel good.
POCD //
He’s so afraid to touch himself, bc what if he has a thought about A’Ling while he’s doing it? What if he can’t banish the thought fast enough? What if he likes it?
It’s easier, when he can think about Lan Zhan. He’s allowed to want Lan Zhan. And he does, he really does.
He’s so afraid to touch himself, bc what if he has a thought about A’Ling while he’s doing it? What if he can’t banish the thought fast enough? What if he likes it?
It’s easier, when he can think about Lan Zhan. He’s allowed to want Lan Zhan. And he does, he really does.
(I will never write this fic though because I’m terrified of the comments)
POCD //
I want him to feel so loved. Safe in his own head. Safe in Lan Zhan’s arms. Happy and held.
I want him to feel so loved. Safe in his own head. Safe in Lan Zhan’s arms. Happy and held.
POCD, suicide //
Sometime after he’s started to rebuild himself, wwx says, blushing, into the collar of lwj’s shirt, “Lan Zhan, I think you…When you did that research for me. I think you saved my life.”
Lwj goes still. He hadn’t realized it had been that close.
Sometime after he’s started to rebuild himself, wwx says, blushing, into the collar of lwj’s shirt, “Lan Zhan, I think you…When you did that research for me. I think you saved my life.”
Lwj goes still. He hadn’t realized it had been that close.
POCD, suicide //
He takes a moment to himself, to take in the sheer terror of it, and then he resumes stroking Wei Ying’s hair.
“You saved your own life,” he says. “I only helped. You gave me what I needed to do that.”
He takes a moment to himself, to take in the sheer terror of it, and then he resumes stroking Wei Ying’s hair.
“You saved your own life,” he says. “I only helped. You gave me what I needed to do that.”
POCD //
Wwx shakes his head, rustling the fabric around Lan Zhan’s collar.
“That was brave,” Lan Zhan says.
He shakes his head again.
Lan Zhan kisses Wei Ying’s forehead, delicately, like a precious thing. “You don’t have to believe it,” he says. “I’ll believe it for both of us.”
Wwx shakes his head, rustling the fabric around Lan Zhan’s collar.
“That was brave,” Lan Zhan says.
He shakes his head again.
Lan Zhan kisses Wei Ying’s forehead, delicately, like a precious thing. “You don’t have to believe it,” he says. “I’ll believe it for both of us.”
POCD //
The grief Wei Ying feels when he accepts that he sabotaged his own life for months (or longer?), damaged his relationships, some of them irreparably, hated himself so violently that his brain might be permanently fucked up from it, all for nothing. For a delusion.
The grief Wei Ying feels when he accepts that he sabotaged his own life for months (or longer?), damaged his relationships, some of them irreparably, hated himself so violently that his brain might be permanently fucked up from it, all for nothing. For a delusion.
POCD //
When Wen Qing finds out what's going on, she tells A'Yuan that Xian-gege had to go away for a while because he was sick. A'Yuan asks if it was a really long time because he was really really sick, and she says yeah, something like that.
When Wen Qing finds out what's going on, she tells A'Yuan that Xian-gege had to go away for a while because he was sick. A'Yuan asks if it was a really long time because he was really really sick, and she says yeah, something like that.
POCD //
A'Yuan asks, "Will he feel better if I give him a kiss?" and Wen Qing says "Why don't you ask when we see him?"
Wen Qing warns him ahead of time that A'Yuan wants to give him a kiss. Which freaks him out at first! Isn't it fucked up for someone like him to ask for that?
A'Yuan asks, "Will he feel better if I give him a kiss?" and Wen Qing says "Why don't you ask when we see him?"
Wen Qing warns him ahead of time that A'Yuan wants to give him a kiss. Which freaks him out at first! Isn't it fucked up for someone like him to ask for that?
POCD //
But Wen Qing seems to think it's acceptable. And jiejie thinks it's okay! And Jiang Cheng says, "What's the big deal, are you planning to make out with him?" So he lets A'Yuan climb in his lap and kiss him on the cheek, and A'Yuan was right, it does make him feel better.
But Wen Qing seems to think it's acceptable. And jiejie thinks it's okay! And Jiang Cheng says, "What's the big deal, are you planning to make out with him?" So he lets A'Yuan climb in his lap and kiss him on the cheek, and A'Yuan was right, it does make him feel better.
I think Lan Zhan has a more “classic” presentation of OCD: contamination, cleaning/organizing, etc. He would absolutely recognize Wei Ying’s thought patterns, if Wei Ying ever talked about them. But he doesn’t, not to anyone.
When Wei Ying first reads online that his thoughts might also be a type of ocd, he rejects it. OCD looks like Lan Zhan who washes his hands for twenty minutes because he’s afraid of spreading germs to the elderly. OCD doesn’t look like thoughts about hurting people.
If he has it, he has the bad kind. He has the wrong kind. The kind you don’t deserve any sympathy for.
(Wei Ying, sometime later in therapy, says, “I don’t wash my hands, I’ve never washed my hands before,” which he’ll admit was kind of funny
When he’s first diagnosed, when it’s real enough that he’ll agree to take meds for it but not /real/ enough, he asks Lan Zhan.
“Is it OCD when I feel like I can’t see my sister for at least two hours after therapy, so all that stuff I talked about isn’t hanging around?”
“Mn.”
“Is it OCD when I feel like I can’t see my sister for at least two hours after therapy, so all that stuff I talked about isn’t hanging around?”
“Mn.”
“Is it OCD when I watch a movie where someone does something fucked up, and I have to work out whether the fucked up thing they did was excusable in the circumstances, or sympathetic?”
“Definitely.”
“Definitely.”
“Is it OCD when…ah, nevermind.”
“Wei Ying?”
“I keep staring at your mouth, and…trying to figure out if I’m a clean enough person now that I can…” He swallows and looks away. This is stupid, he’s stupid to ask. “…that I can kiss you now.”
“Wei Ying?”
“I keep staring at your mouth, and…trying to figure out if I’m a clean enough person now that I can…” He swallows and looks away. This is stupid, he’s stupid to ask. “…that I can kiss you now.”
“Yes,” Lan Zhan says, and “You always were,” and “Wei Ying, yes.”
Also: “Lan Zhan, holy shit, it’s annoying!! It’s not making me want to tear all my skin off, which is fucking GREAT, but I didn’t know it could be annoying!! Did you know that?”
“Mn.”
“Is it always this annoying?”
“Only sometimes.”
“Holy shit, this is great.”
“Mn.”
“Is it always this annoying?”
“Only sometimes.”
“Holy shit, this is great.”
It’s exhilarating! Watching the thing that tried to kill you turn into the equivalent of like, a timer that keeps beeping? A song stuck in your head? Holy shit, it feels POWERFUL.
I said holy shit three times but that’s okay. Wei Ying is EXCITED! Lan Zhan is watching him with a soft lil Lan Zhan smile.
This is the mood for them but also this is very much the mood for me rn 
WY: Is it OCD if I get really upset every time it rains too hard and I can't figure out why?
LZ: I mean, most likely.
LZ: I mean, most likely.
"Okay but do you ever like...when something really heinous happens in the news, do you ever think that maybe you could have done that? Like you might be capable of it?"
"My brother has thoughts like that."
"But your brother's so NICE!! He would never!!"
"But you would."
"Yeah."
"My brother has thoughts like that."
"But your brother's so NICE!! He would never!!"
"But you would."
"Yeah."
Wwx, a year down the line when his brain still won’t work right: Hey was that trauma?
Lwj: Yes.
Jc: yes, are you stupid?
Jyl: my therapist said it was traumatic for *me* so yeah
Wq: Babe, you should have seen yourself
Wn: I’m gonna get a’yuan and have him give you a kiss again
Lwj: Yes.
Jc: yes, are you stupid?
Jyl: my therapist said it was traumatic for *me* so yeah
Wq: Babe, you should have seen yourself
Wn: I’m gonna get a’yuan and have him give you a kiss again
Happy #wipwednesday I guess.
Tw: discussion of past SI, including method; hypothetical discussion of death
Tw: discussion of past SI, including method; hypothetical discussion of death
Me, every time I think about wwx: does this boy know he’s loved? Does he? I’m gonna remind him.
POCD //
You know how canon wwx has to live with the grief of never having been a part of his nephew’s childhood? I think this wwx missed a very formative two years, and now A’Ling just doesn’t connect with him the way he connects with JC, and wwx hates himself for it.
You know how canon wwx has to live with the grief of never having been a part of his nephew’s childhood? I think this wwx missed a very formative two years, and now A’Ling just doesn’t connect with him the way he connects with JC, and wwx hates himself for it.
POCD //
Jin Ling calls jc jiujiu, and jyl tries to tell him he has two jiujius, but he only knows the one! And she hates that, and jc hates that, and they all hate it!
Jin Ling calls jc jiujiu, and jyl tries to tell him he has two jiujius, but he only knows the one! And she hates that, and jc hates that, and they all hate it!
(“Do you hate me?” wwx asks at a’ling’s fourth birthday party. “For letting this happen?”
Jiejie squeezes his hand. “No one let it happen, sweet boy. I hate that it happened to you when you *didn’t* give it permission. You never wanted it. That’s what I hate.”)
Jiejie squeezes his hand. “No one let it happen, sweet boy. I hate that it happened to you when you *didn’t* give it permission. You never wanted it. That’s what I hate.”)
Oh MAN the come back to gusu talk? Lan Zhan’s uncle is a psychiatrist, and whatever’s going on, he must be able to help…
(Lan Zhan’s uncle had something like grudging respect for Wei Ying at one point. Wei Ying is so scared to lose that respect, even if it’s not rightfully his.)
(Lan Zhan’s uncle had something like grudging respect for Wei Ying at one point. Wei Ying is so scared to lose that respect, even if it’s not rightfully his.)
(To delete later probably but oh my god I got so many come back to gusu talks. I couldn’t get through that part of cql a second time)
"Wei Ying, is someone hurting you?"
"Who would be hurting me?"
"I don't know. That's why I asked."
"Well, no."
"Are you in legal or financial trouble?"
"No. Now please stop asking."
"If you are depressed-"
"I'm not FUCKING depressed, Lan Zhan. Ask me again and you're leaving."
"Who would be hurting me?"
"I don't know. That's why I asked."
"Well, no."
"Are you in legal or financial trouble?"
"No. Now please stop asking."
"If you are depressed-"
"I'm not FUCKING depressed, Lan Zhan. Ask me again and you're leaving."
He doesn't kick Lan Zhan out of his apartment, though. Lan Zhan comes inside, even though he's on the verge of tears. He *should* leave; it's what both of them deserve. But Wei Ying can't bring himself to do anything more than sit on the couch and turn on a movie.
Perfect. So I can write about jin ling’s third birthday party where he asks where Ying-jiujiu is, and then Chinese New Year a couple months later where he doesn’t 😈
(He spends some of the holiday with Wen Qing and Wen Ning, but NOT A’Yuan. They don’t like any of this, but he’s holed up in his apartment and they’re worried about him.)
(I am open to feedback on how to give jin ling and a’yuan distinct narrative roles. Still playing around with it)
Keeping everything in the same place:
https://twitter.com/fizzyells/status/1577488412143034368
Oh my god he's so gonna tell lan zhan to fuck off 😈
I need a reason for him to distance himself from JC specifically, when JC is vulnerable and really needs him. I’m playing with how I can make this OCD related 😈
Keeping it all together
https://twitter.com/fizzyells/status/1579890620235403266?s=20&t=kUrtbW196OBKn85nZHSU7A
Fuck it, happy #wipwednesday, here is Wei Ying having violent intrusive thoughts about doing awful things to kids
POCD //
Hmmm Wei Ying keeping plants in little windowboxes in his apartment, and then getting more and more plants and getting obsessed with taking care of them because it's the only thing he can safely nurture and not hurt.
Hmmm Wei Ying keeping plants in little windowboxes in his apartment, and then getting more and more plants and getting obsessed with taking care of them because it's the only thing he can safely nurture and not hurt.
POCD //
...until he burns out and gets too depressed to take care of them and starts letting them die :)))))))))))))
...until he burns out and gets too depressed to take care of them and starts letting them die :)))))))))))))
POCD //
Some time after all this, lwj brings up the subject of kids? As in, having them?? Their own kids?? And wwx cries because he never, ever thought that would be an option for him.
Some time after all this, lwj brings up the subject of kids? As in, having them?? Their own kids?? And wwx cries because he never, ever thought that would be an option for him.
POCD //
Oh I am doing. haha. fun stuff with him and a'yuan.
Oh I am doing. haha. fun stuff with him and a'yuan.
The more i write this fic the more I realize I am not getting triggered so thanks dr f for prescribing the good shit
This is at 4k now in my doc! Also there are scenes I'm going to have to write that will freak people the fuck out but I'm writing them
5k!!
#wipwednesday (let’s spell it right this time) and posting here for organization purposes
https://twitter.com/fizzyells/status/1585111281220341760
POCD //
after the dust settles, lwj is so ANGRY. His brother asks him who he's angry at and he says he doesn't know. He wants to blame the Jiangs, or the foster care system wy spent some time in. They're the easiest targets, but he's not sure they're the right ones.
after the dust settles, lwj is so ANGRY. His brother asks him who he's angry at and he says he doesn't know. He wants to blame the Jiangs, or the foster care system wy spent some time in. They're the easiest targets, but he's not sure they're the right ones.
POCD //
something hurt somebody he loves! He's furious! He wants to hurt them back! But if this is coming from inside wei ying's own head then there's nothing he can do except love him harder.
something hurt somebody he loves! He's furious! He wants to hurt them back! But if this is coming from inside wei ying's own head then there's nothing he can do except love him harder.
POCD //
Wip wmonday, I’m having fun making them cute and painful!
Wip wmonday, I’m having fun making them cute and painful!
POCD //
I'm *terrified* to write this in, but one element of this kind of OCD is thinking about the thing that you're afraid arouses you and testing your physical reactions to see if you're aroused. (And since fear and arousal are so closely connected, it can be hard to tell.)
I'm *terrified* to write this in, but one element of this kind of OCD is thinking about the thing that you're afraid arouses you and testing your physical reactions to see if you're aroused. (And since fear and arousal are so closely connected, it can be hard to tell.)
POCD //
("groinal response" is a thing you can search if you want to. I had to explain it to a therapist once which was humiliating.)
("groinal response" is a thing you can search if you want to. I had to explain it to a therapist once which was humiliating.)
A not upsetting thing!!: wwx and jc live together and A’Ling calls their apartment “jiujiu house”
POCD //
Writing a scene where Lan Zhan is like "I want to help. My uncle is a psychiatrist." And Jiang Cheng shoots back "Oh, so you're calling my brother crazy now?" Even though he and jiejie have called half a dozen psychiatrists by now.
Writing a scene where Lan Zhan is like "I want to help. My uncle is a psychiatrist." And Jiang Cheng shoots back "Oh, so you're calling my brother crazy now?" Even though he and jiejie have called half a dozen psychiatrists by now.
POCD //
Even though they brought one inside the house and Wei Ying wouldn't talk to them for three days. This is his family, and his family's business, and he will protect it with his teeth.
Even though they brought one inside the house and Wei Ying wouldn't talk to them for three days. This is his family, and his family's business, and he will protect it with his teeth.
#wipwednesday #mdzsww Today I woke up and chose violence.
nielan, cw terminal illness, discussion of suicide in the abstract
nielan, cw terminal illness, discussion of suicide in the abstract
I'm not going to have anything left for ao3 at this rate
Melancholy boy for #mdzsww
https://twitter.com/fizzyells/status/1590214852731359234
Wwx also had the “he’s so cute I want to pop him in my mouth and eat him” urge about a kid, which he decided meant he was some kind of fucked-up cannibal freak. Thankfully he ~confessed~ this and got a little perspective (which makes him smarter than 20yo me lmao)
…god dammit I should have said “inflicts”
Just in case:
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