Thread by @Johnadeseewo

WHY YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO FALL OUT OF LOVE
* A thread
I visited my parents on the eve of their 34th anniversary few months ago. I was working overnight in our home library which is close to my parents bedroom. Around 3:00am, my father woke up...
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Almost immediately, I heard my mom wake up too. "What is it?" she asked. "I feel hungry" he replied. It seems my mother started getting up from the bed bcos the next thing my dad said was "Go back to sleep, don't let me disturb you". I heard my mom insist that she will...

...prepare something for him. For almost 2 minutes they went back and forth with each person trying not to burden the other person. In the end, my mother prevailed and went ahead to warm some chicken and rice for my dad. 40mins later, both of them were sharing a secret laugh...

..in the bedroom. They had been married for 34 years. I feel privileged to have parents whose marriage has not only enjoyed longevity but who have remained in love with each other through the decades. For a long time, I wondered how they were able to maintain that spark...

..those feelings. I eventually understood it. You see, we often mistake attraction for love. Attraction is not a decision. It's an emotion. It just happens. It is chemistry, it is powerful, it is intense, it is a rollercoaster. You can't seem to get enough of the other person.

Late night talks, laughing when the person is not around, fond memories and for many, intense sex. Yet, psychologists have discovered that attraction can not last for more than a full stretch of 2 years. That is the maximum full stretch possible for which attraction is constant.

After this, attraction becomes cyclical. It comes and goes. It is not as constant and intense as it once was. This is the point where many begin to feel they have fallen out of love. The reason why we as humans are unable to remain attracted to a thing consistently is because...

...of a concept known as hedonistic adaptation. It says humans eventually adapt to anything that initially brings us joy or pleasure. Money, a particular food, a bag, a shoe, a clothe, a car or a house when used frequently, eventually loses the thrill it once gave.

The same is true of the person you are attracted to. It always fades away, coming back only in bits and cycles. The sad part is that when the intensity of attraction fades and things become boring and less passionate, this where people conclude they are no longer on love.

The good part is that where attraction ends, that is where love actually begins. Love is is not a feeling. It is deliberate, it is logical, it is intentional. It is a decision to be with a person for who they are and not what they have or how they look.

Love is you saying, 'because of who this person is, I can spend the rest of my life with him/her'. Interestingly, what most people call boredom when attraction expires is actually the stability needed to build true love. The emotional distraction is removed. Now, things must...

...be intentional. Deliberate decisions must be made to keep each other's interest. A mutual decision to go see a movie, to share a cone of ice cream, to jointly watch a butterfly flap its wing, to agree to take a vacation to a new country or another state in one's country.

Unlike attraction, love requires mutual effort to sustain. It's not automatic nor is it chemistry. It is not fate or luck, or chance or random. Its hard work. This is how my parents have remained in love for 34 years. Thus, you cannot afford to make nollywood celebrities....

...your model of love because they too mistake attraction for love. They meet a hot person and the emotional rush kicks in. It's like an aphrodisiac, a drug they can't seem to get enough of. Then the attraction runs it's course and rather than do the work that love requires...

...they conclude that they are no longer in love. So they break up, find another partner and the cycle begins again. Attraction is intense but fleeting. Love is less intense. It is more subtle but nevertheless strong and long. Love lasts and is seen in grey hair and wrinkles.
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