Thread by @garius

Oh man this judgement is somehow an even better read than Uber's massive employment law self-own.

On the phone in the sea:

God I love it when Judgements have to talk emoji.

Wagatha suspects...

Wagatha sets the sting...

Wagatha thinks the sting has failed...

But no! WAGATHA STRIKES!

I honestly wish I'd seen Vardy's lawyer's face when he read the stuff she HADN'T deleted from her phone.

But Wagatha is not silly. Wagatha wants to make absolutely sure.

The Sting. Is. Back. On.

<mission impossible music plays>

And seriously. Wagatha put a LOT of thought into this. Absolute RESPECT to Coleen.

The lengths she went to in order to avoid spooking her prey are top notch.

Someone remind me how much Vardy's lawyers cost her?

The one thing that becomes clear all the way through the evidence in this judgement is that Vardy was living her life playing Snakes and Ladders while Rooney was constantly playing 4D Chess.

Every now and again you can tell a judge REALLY enjoyed writing a line in a judgement.

This is one of those times.

Okay the culmination of Coleen Rooney's sting is so good I'm just going to write it as if its the episode of Columbo that it deserves to be.

VARDY: Frankly Coleenbo I am outraged by your suggestion that I leaked the flooded basement story.
COLEENBO: Oh it's not a suggestion, ma'am. I know it was you.
VARDY: That is an outrageous accusation and I will be speaking to your commissioner when I see him at our club

COLEENBO: Oh I wouldn't do that ma'am.
VARDY: Coleenbo, for a detective you seem to be shockingly unfamiliar with the concept of proof.
COLEENBO: Oh I have proof ma'am.
VARDY: How can you possibly... there must have been PLENTY of people who knew about the basement.

VARDY: How many saw the flooded basement? How many did they speak to? The plumbers! Their wives! Wayne! Your children! Their friends! Their TEACHERS!
COLEENBO: That would be true
VARDY: See I-
COLEENBO: If there had actually been a flood
VARDY:
COLEEN: There was no flood, ma'am

VARDY: Don't be ridiculous. Why would you-
COLEENBO: There were no plumbers, no other people there, not even Wayne. Just that insta post ma'am
VARDY: Oh
COLEENBO: And only one person SAW that Insta post. Because only one person was allowed to
VARDY:
COLEENBO: That was you, ma'am

All the time, Wayne is just doing keepy ups obliviously in the background and Jamie is practicing his golf swing.

And can we stop for one goddamn second and just appreciate the sheer BEAUTY of Rooney proving Vardy was leaking to the Sun by LITERALLY trapping her with a story ABOUT A LEAK.

She UTTERLY telegraphed what she was doing and still hooked Vardy with it. It's sublime. It's art.

There is nothing. NOTHING funnier than a British Judge deadpanning in a judgement.

Honestly. Judges learn to say "you're full of shit" in so many wonderful and creative ways.

Oh you think we're done?

We're not done.

We get to see what happened after Coleen dropped her public insta reveal of Vardy as the snitch.

Because Vardy and Watts (her agent) didn't delete those messages or 'accidentally' drop them in the North Sea.

Booming voice:

This.

Is.

[Flushed face emoji]

WAR.

<Hans Zimmer soundtrack rises>

A reminder that Vardy's agent 'accidentally' hoofed her very expensive phone into the sea, meaning a bunch of their WhatsApp convos were lost...

...and yet somehow they both didn't think this one still being available was problematic.

This week the role of Ellis in Die Hard will be played by Rebekkah Vardy's text messages to Coleen Rooney.

"Shall we delete the messages where we say we're going to pretend you were hacked?"

"Nah"

"What about the one EIGHT MONTHS EARLIER where we openly come up with a plan to do this if she finds out?"

"Nah. Keep that one too."

"Cool. cool."

<hoofs phone into sea>

Your in thread reminder that VARDY brought this case against Rooney. Not the other way round.

Mrs Justice Steyn just living her best life on the page rn.

Still living her best life.

As Jamie Vardy, Rebekkah's husband, once so eloquently put it.

"Chat shit get banged."

Case dismissed.

<standing ovation for Wagatha>

What a read.

(Read it yourself here) judiciary.uk/wp-content/upl…

ADDENDUM:

Oh man, somehow I missed this. Para 91. Judge speak

"Just because she rightly fucking hates you, doesn't mean she's lying."

(Vardy's guests had stolen Robertson's seats, refused to move and Vardy didn't do anything about it)

h/t to @deworde for alerting me.

@deworde "no apparent reason"

Your mates are literally sat in her seats Rebekkah. Literally right next to you. And they're shouting abuse at her. And you won't do anything about it.

No.

Apparent.

Reason.