Thread by @scbaird

a few weeks ago we were camping in the north georgia mountains and happened to drive past a bunch of signs for “babyland general hospital” where cabbage patch dolls are “born”so we decided to check it out as kitschy fun…

but we were absolutely not prepared to witness the ceremony of a “licensed patch nurse” helping a giant, led-light covered tree called “mother cabbage” give “birth” to a cabbage patch doll!

for starters, the “nurse” kept calling out mother cabbage’s dilation as “five leaves apart, seven leaves apart, nine leaves apart” until she eventually announced that mother cabbage had to have a “leaves-iotomy” (like an episiotomy) in order to deliver the baby…

and then the nurse gave mother cabbage a shot of “imagicillin” to help her “relax before, during and after labor and delivery.” imagicillin (like, of course, penicillin) also helps mother cabbage not have a “branch” (read: breech) delivery, so says nurse tina…

finally, the cabbage patch doll is born + she has a birthmark: the initials of cabbage patch dolls’ founder, xavier roberts, right there on her bottom! we then learn that mr. roberts is a) still alive and b) created the babyland general hospital grounds in honor of his mother…

the baby (who was named via crowdsourced shouting by a bunch of little girls) was then taken to the nursery where everyone gathered to watch nurse tina perform a number of checkups as a stork looked on…

and if someone wants buy the recently-birthed cabbage patch doll, they have to take an “oath of adoption” and sign some paperwork (we didn’t see this, but heard all about it…)

but wait there’s more! as we were frantically trying to find our way out, we found the “wall of fame” where famous 80s celebrities sent their headshots/well wishes to xavier roberts and the cabbage patch kids—everyone from phyllis diller to (yes) d*n*ld tr*mp

lots to unpack there, but safe to say i’ll probably not be back for a shot of “imagicillin” anytime soon!