Thread by @sqiouyilu

are we at a point where I can now talk publicly about how harmful an experience clarion west was to me, or will I get canceled again? :)

https://twitter.com/tordotcom/status/1559945931033907201

one obstacle to critiquing clarion west is the sheer ostracization that happens if you publicly say something negative about the program, as I have personally experienced

the individuals involved in clarion west are perfectly fine people, but as a program, it’s really just an expensive way to haze yourself into a professional network

I learned no new skills for creating fiction, no new skills for critiquing fiction, and virtually nothing about navigating the publication world professionally, which I had already started doing by then on my own anyway

one instructor (N. K. Jemisin) even declined to critique my piece at all, since it wasn’t fantasy and was only very lightly science fiction. perhaps the most anticipated instructor, and iirc only my piece was skipped like that

what I learned was to push myself beyond my limits to attend social events and parties, and to fawn to be accepted into a social network, one that ultimately dropped me when I experienced a crisis and continues to quietly shut me out

I still vote yearly on the octavia e. butler fellowship recipients though, because if you’re going to bestow me a permanent position on a council of alumni, I will NOT be bullied or cold shouldered out of it, my voice still counts even if people would like to erase me

I really wanted to believe in clarion west and the camaraderie; I set up a slack and website for my class, including a group bibliography and links to the various articles we’d written on clarion west

when I had a mental health crisis though, what I got wasn’t the unconditional support that I thought was afforded me when I got the class tattoo that signified permanently I’m part of this group, but instead I was ostracized and told to hand over the slack and site

I had been diligently checking in with my class to update the site like helena bell’s group biblio for the 2013 class, but now the domain name points nowhere bc I guess no one bother to set it up again. that’s really what hurts me a lot, my work literally got erased on purpose

anyway, I’m getting my clarion west tattoo removed now, because all it stands for for me now is pain. any benefits I may have reaped as a clarion west alum I exhausted in the first couple years afterward, now I don’t even mention I’m an alum anymore, except on my CV

I still ask myself if I’m being too harsh, if I’m misrepresenting things, but I have asked for people to *tell me* what I purportedly did wrong because how can I possibly remedy something if I don’t know what I’m meant to remedy, esp given my brain has memory gaps from trauma

but I have received no adequate responses, just vague demands for apology without even stating what I’m expected to apologize for; it’s been four years and ample time for people to try to have an actual conversation with me, but I’ve just gotten silence

I ask myself sometimes whether I want to reach out to the classmates I still feel like I’m reasonably on decent terms with for more perspective, but I ultimately decide I don’t want to. because I feel no need to return to the clarion west network. I’ve been happier outside of it

at least now we’re at a point where clarion west is no longer above critique. I have barely even scratched the surface with how inaccessible clarion west is on multiple dimensions and how it’s designed to create burnout; no amount of changing the structure changes the foundation

you ask people to cut themselves off from their routines and support networks for six weeks to focus solely on writing, with no mental health support other than “contact the coordinators if you’re having problems,” and massive FOMO social pressure, intentional or not,

and no matter how much you change the critiquing setup, that kind of removal of someone from stability is inherently inaccessible without intensive mental health support, yet that hardly even seemed to be a consideration to me, and still doesn’t

there’s also alcohol available EVERYWHERE and the reason I got for why we’re not in a wheelchair-accessible building was because the accessible ones wouldn’t allow alcohol on the premises. priorities, dude. supposedly they’re in a more accessible location now but I haven’t been

like I can’t even imagine going to clarion west as someone recovering from addiction. it’s Not Good

anyway, people can cancel me, but the fact that I’m still publishing after being canceled is proof that you truly do not need a workshop to make it in this industry. you need persistence, and an inalienable belief that you are as deserving a spot in the industry as anyone else

OH ALSO… when you attend clarion west, you are discouraged from visiting friends & family in the area and especially from staying with them. you’re meant to be cloistered with the others, for The Experience. what that translates to, is cutting people off from support networks

functionally, it normalizes the hazing because you don’t have outsiders who would be able to do more mental health checks and support. the FOMO atmosphere instead takes over. it’s truly no surprise that only a quarter of clarion west grads, maybe, continue to publish: burnout

anyway, I’m running late for work so I gotta wrap this up for now, but suffice to say, if you did not enjoy clarion west, you are not alone; you have an ally in me

one last thing for now… in no world is it useful to get 18 critiques on your manuscript. “learning” to go through this actually hinders your ability to synthesize critique. instead, milford technique encourages groupthink bc the 18th person is too fucking exhausted to dissent

when you have a whole system of how to say “ditto,” that suggests that useful commentary falls off around person 5

a lot of grads like to say it takes 2 years to “understand” everything you’ve “learned.” actually, no. it takes on average two years to begin to recover from the burnout of 6 weeks of clarion west. it’s not glamorous or erudition, it’s harm

oh man, I just remembered that after my 2018 hospitalization, I had asked clarion west if they could include a link to my gofundme for medical bills in the alumni newsletter. I was told no because there had been too many fundraiser links in the previous few newsletters

which, well, maybe that was true, maybe it’s just policy to not include GFM links, yet I don’t recall all that many fundraiser links in the newsletters, which are all just full of award and publication news, further giving the illusion of great success among alumni

but the truth is that it’s the same handful of names reappearing, and “alumni news” should not only contain positive news, it should contain all kinds of news, including when your alumni need rallying for community support

I’m not bothered about the GFM in the newsletter, but it does bug me that the answer to “how does one afford clarion west without a scholarship” is just “crowdfund and the clarion west community will show up for you!”

which, sure, yes, people who crowdfund to go to clarion west are generally successful at getting funded to go, but it’s not really a “community” if they really only show up to pay your membership dues, community means support post-graduation too

I feel like clarion and clarion west also pose particular access and gatekeeping issues for non-US writers in particular—in addition to the increased cost of attending, non-US writers often feel obligated to do a clarion as the quickest shortcut into the US market—and it works

which is ultimately another head of the hydra that is hegemony within the US publishing industry, the very fact that “I’m a graduate of clarion west” will open doors for you (editors have explicitly said they’ll pay more attention if they see that in a cover letter),

yet those doors are opened simply because of your affiliation and before they’ve even read your work, so really, you’ve just joined a fraternity or a club, it’s not like some kind of certification, which people act like it is

which is why I try hard to publish writers from outside the US at @ArsenikaInk and @microverses1, I think it’s absolute bullshit to have to pay a $5,000–$6,000 initiation fee for a chance at inclusion especially with purchasing power disparities worldwide

I’m not a big 3 magazine or even anyone that has any real influence, but I would just rather welcome non-US writers in without the middleman, by publishing them and paying them without expecting prior publications or affiliations or memberships

all the US-based writing workshops are just far more inaccessible for anyone outside the US, which really makes the “you’d go to one if you were serious about your career” straight up colonial

like, I received a scholarship to go to clarion west so paid $0, I have no dependents, I have financial support from my family which meant that I was able to quit my job to go to clarion west without having to worry too much about whether I’d have a place to go after,

and going to clarion west still set my whole life back by 2–3 years because of how disruptive it was to my routine, stability, and mental health, without giving me enough benefit to make all of that worth it

everything I learned about critiquing and writing, I learned through fandom and fanfic. E V E R Y T H I N G.

and I began with fandom and fanfic when I was about 9 years old. started to really take writing fanfic more seriously when I was around 11 or 12. I attended clarion west when I was 25. which means I already had 14 years of writing experience by that point

there was nothing I learned at clarion west that fandom, fanfic, beta readers, cheerleaders, big bangs, prompt communities like 30_kisses, challenges like theavatar100, idea generation like comment_fic, ALL OF THAT taught me WAY more than clarion west

at clarion west my unmedicated ADHD ass had to sit through 18 critiques of each story with 3–4 stories per day. THREE HOURS of sitting there with my eyes glazing over. N. K. Jemisin had to squeeze worldbuilding powerpoints in as EXTRACURRICULARS

I repeat, N. K. Jemisin was an instructor, and taught worldbuilding, but only outside of official class hours. there was no curriculum otherwise. just listening to people say “ditto” for three hours

in june I set up a personal writing retreat to get a draft of my novella done, and I purposely structured it to be everything clarion west wasn’t—respectful of my limits and boundaries, integrating self-care as part of the entire process, having a mental health alert system

the entire focus of my retreat was to create sustainably and accessibly in a way that centers how my brain works, my needs, and my process. I completed my draft a day early out of the 7 days I allotted myself—bc I also knew I needed the 7th for self-care

here are the guidelines I wrote up for myself; there’s still sections I need to pad out a bit more in the methodology to be more useful to others, but here’s my individual retreat model: sqiouyilu.notion.site/Retreat-a4256c…

ok I know this thread is pretty meandering but I just keep remembering more absolutely bonkers things about clarion west that I had thought were perfectly fine, but now that I’ve had the distance and more understanding of accessibility, I’m like, what????

now, this is all for the old building that clarion west would take place in; they’ve since changed buildings, but I don’t know how accessible the new one is. clarion UCSD is in a different location with its own accessibility issues

I’m not sure exactly when they changed buildings, but it was within the last 5 years

when I say the building wasn’t wheelchair accessible, I’m not talking about two steps to the front door and no ramp, I’m talking that, AND it was 3 stories plus a basement, no elevator, no wheelchair lift. you literally could not participate if you have limited mobility

because of the nature of the building, it was only outfitted with one industrial kitchen. they did a really great job of accommodating different dietary restrictions and allergies when providing lunch and dinner

breakfast wasn’t provided other than things like cereal, and the chef wasn’t in on weekends, so you’d have to make do with leftovers from friday or get your own food—which is where the industrial kitchen became a problem

it’s the kind of kitchen where the stove took like an hour to heat up, and no one really knew how to work it anyway. individual rooms didn’t have kitchens, kitchenettes, minifridges, or appliances. so you gotta get your own food on weekends… but can’t cook it

which is fine if you’re in a hotel room for a week, but you’re in a workshop for six weeks and still have to pay for your weekend meals and can’t really cook to save money there

there was an endless supply of EXTREMELY strong coffee that alums and other friends of clarion west would donate. alcohol isn’t the only substance that’s an issue among writers, caffeine does harm too when people use it to push past their limits and tiredness, causing burnout

oh, upthread I mentioned a clarion west tattoo… which is a norm. people get group tattoos of the clarion west LOGO. at least my year we opted for our own arsenic symbol, but it’s always made me super uncomfortable that it’s a norm to get the logo inked on you

afaik my class deviated from the norm by selecting our own symbol. most years just do the logo, and it’s anywhere from roughly 10%–50% of a class who will get a tattoo. I definitely felt pressure to

and I was really distressed by my tattoo because we just went to who was available instead of my preference of booking with a good artist in advance, the artist we went to tattooed too deep into my skin and scarred it, making removal more difficult

and then there’s the class t-shirt… remember, you have 2 hours of critique to sit through a day and 3–4 stories to read & critique per day, ranging from around 2k–10k words per story (I wrote one of the very few flash fiction pieces at 1k words, they felt implicitly discouraged)

that’s at least 2 additional hours of homework a night, often stretching to 4 hours for me bc I do close reads, plus the writing your own story to work on, so let’s assume 3 hours of class, 5 hours of homework a day, for 8 hours, plus socializing at minimum 2 hours a day

on top of that, you’re voluntold to design a t-shirt for the class, because I guess they can’t just print the logo on the front and student names on the back, every year has to have their own Special shirt

because I didn’t want my class to have a shitty shirt, I drew the b&w art for the front of the shirt in between all that other work, which was at minimum 2 hours of free labor, if not up to 4 hours

I don’t have my shirt anymore because it just made me sad to look at. it was hard to let go of, but I don’t even remember if I donated it or just threw it away

or it could be living at my dad’s house, which I don’t really return to. who knows, either way I feel more peaceful not seeing it in my closet

another thing a lot of people have said about the clarions is that graduates tend to have a homogeneous writing style. this is somewhat true, but not exclusively a problem of the clarions; it has to do, imo, with the USian writing workshop’s anti-communism origins

i.e., the milford-style writing workshop is designed, intentionally or not, to reinforce norms and status quos, and decoloniality is not built in; left to its own devices, the US writing workshop reinforces white western storytelling norms

this poses a particular issue to writers outside the US and non-hegemonic writers within the US, in that you’re pressured to adapt to certain ideas of what a “good story” entails, such as conflict being necessary, which is absolutely false; see my #ConflictlessStory tag

I had gone to see octavia e. butler’s papers at the huntington, which is local to me, and OEB’s letter to herself about being successful and sending more poor Black young people to clarion (below) is pretty well-known

but what made me cry was the letter she sent back to her mother (iirc) from clarion, which I can’t seem to find online from a cursory glance, but in it she described feeling discouraged and alienated as the only (iirc) Black person in her class, which was similar to how I felt

about a third of my class were people of color, many were LGBTQ, many disabled, but as someone with multiple marginalizations, I still felt as if the intersectional aspects of my experiences weren’t understood well

oh, I mentioned upthread that you’re expected to go to parties, but none of this is communicated prior to going to clarion west. so, every friday, after a week of hearing and doing 18 individual critiques on each of 18 manuscripts, you are expected to go to parties that go late

the first party is at the locus awards, where you are paraded out as the new clarion west class, and everyone oohs and aahs and laughs about how the class still looks eager and bright-eyed, because it’s so normalized to burn out that this is considered a funny joke

you are not technically required to go to any of the parties, but the atmosphere of FOMO is absolutely unreal and I got the implicit sense that you’d be the odd one out if you declined to participate

these are not small, intimate parties of 10 people. the entire clarion west and extended community are invited, so there has to be like 100 people at each party at least, and there is ample alcohol available along with snacks, which were at least good snacks

so, every friday, you are expected to essentially do the song & dance routine for 100 people that oh yes, you are definitely enjoying the clarion west experience! wow, the community! the opportunity! the BIG NAMES!! oh yeah I guess it’s tough but it’s like that for everyone right

and keep in mind that, although about a third of my class was local to seattle, that means two thirds wasn’t. we all carpooled to the parties. I personally didn’t have the bandwidth to navigate public transit especially at night

what this means, then, is that you are trapped at the party unless you either (1) pay for your own lyft/cab back, or (2) gather enough people who also want to leave to justify carpooling back. combine this with FOMO pressure and I stayed far longer than I wanted at every party

my class also arranged for supplemental guest speaker talks; we invited editors, agents, writers, and other figures in the genre industry to speak to the class via skype

clarion west itself hosts a weekly sort of meet & greet for such figures and my class wanted to invite more people in, which, great! amazing, it was really nice to see how many people were happy to speak to our class and a lot of organization to get those set up

but the problem is: (1) the fact that I learned more from supplemental skype visits that students arranged than the actual classes we were paying money to go to further reinforces that the clarion west curriculum is absolutely devoid of any actual content, and

(2) the FOMO again. I felt as if, if I didn’t go to these sessions, I would come off as ungrateful or not committed to my career. it would have been fine if it were like once a week, but iirc we had multiple each week, for at least an hour at a time, ON TOP OF the workload

just absolutely fucking exhausting. at no point did I ever feel like I was able to say no to any programming. sure, maybe I could have, but the pressure to be Part Of This Amazing Unified Cohesive Class meant, again, encouraging fawning behavior to fit in

I really want to expand more on the normalized burnout because it’s acknowledged, and yet not fixed. every clarion west grad knows that week 4 is the hardest week. week 4 is when people are so fucking exhausted and ground down but can’t yet see the light at the end of the tunnel

the program itself KNOWS this. the clarion west program KNOWS people are ALREADY burnt out by week 4, but the solution has never been to cut the program to three weeks long, but rather, to hire an instructor who can be patient and encourage people

now… keep in mind that my week 4 instructor was N. K. Jemisin, who, while she did give me encouragement when I expressed doubts about my writing one-on-one, still declined to make a single comment on my manuscript, making me feel as if the story wasn’t even worth consideration

anyway, the fact that clarion west knows that by week 4 people are burning out, and yet do not keep a counselor on-staff during the program, or try to have more self-care incorporated, but instead offloads managing students’ mental states on an instructor… N o p e

I do also want to emphasize, the clarions are not a universally bad experience. many people say it’s life-changing and for a lot of students and alums, it’s the first time they’ve ever had people who share their interests and don’t think they’re weird for liking genre

so it *can* be really affirming for people, though imo a lot of that relies on geek social fallacies, where fawning is encouraged: plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-soci…

it’s also hard to judge how many people genuinely enjoy clarion west when you are functionally not allowed to complain about it in public, because if you do your whole network that you got from the program cuts you out. you can hardly complain in private group chats

some people have replied calling clarion west a cult, and tbh I think calling any writing workshop a “cult” obscures the fact that it’s not some individual sect, but a microcosmic encapsulation of systemic, macro-level problems in the US publishing industry

this is also an important point that I forgot to mention upthread—not only does the presence of alcohol and pressure to drink marginalize people of some faiths (e.g. muslims) and beliefs (e.g. teetotalers, straight edge), the schedule isn’t, afaik, shabbat-friendly

https://twitter.com/thelionmachine/status/1560703189565018113

I mean, the very fact that the not-really-optional parties are on friday nights means (from my limited understanding, apologies if I get the details wrong) that it would be very difficult for someone who observes shabbat to participate

and the meals being provided but not on weekends also disproportionately makes it more difficult for someone observing shabbat, who would have to plan more to accommodate for that

and since all the parties are off-site, going to a party necessitates travel, usually by car

I wasn’t medicated for ADHD at the time, but if I had been, I would have had to go two weeks without my brain meds at clarion west. because I can only get 4 weeks filled at a time and only in the same state my prescription is in. afaik, I can’t get it shipped across state lines

oh, back to the parties… only the first one is at a semipublic location. the rest are hosted at people’s homes or in the communal areas of people’s condos

so I mean, functionally, to host a clarion west party, you’d have to be pretty wealthy, to fit 100 people in the venue. it really is flashy and feels like it’s meant to dazzle you into thinking you’re joining an artistic renaissance

in fact, one of the parties was hosted at the home of someone who I guess was so fabulously wealthy that they had an elevator in their three-story home

the clarion west residence, meanwhile, had no elevator and 4 floors. guess elevators are only for showing off

and not everyone at the parties was an alumnus. I would say maybe only a quarter to a third? the rest are just The Local Community, or Friends Of Clarion West, and overall the vibe makes you feel like wow, you’re joining a really special club, people are really interested in you

it would have been fine if it were a single wrap-up party, but it was every. week. it’s almost like it’s bombarding you with glitz and glamor to make you forget how burned out you are

and like… when clarion west solicited feedback from alumni on how to improve the workshop to be more diverse last year, I volunteered and mentioned a lot of these things. but afaik, the only changes being implemented right now are changing the class structure

but the very foundation of clarion west’s diversity & inclusion initiative is flawed. fundamentally flawed. you can see on this roadmap that the only diversity considered is BIPOC: clarionwest.org/2021/04/05/evo…

like I have really only mentioned race twice in this thread (that workshops bias toward white western storytelling norms, and the segment about octavia e. butler), and people were actually totally fine about race in my class

I know other classes vary, but race is NOT the main issue I have with clarion west. nowhere in this initiative is there any discussion of disability and accessibility. paint a broken window by numbers and it may be stained glass, but it’s still fucking broken

the fact that in the year 2021, after people have repeatedly complained about clarion west being inaccessible, clarion west decided to launch a diversity initiative and not hire a disability coordinator as part of that reveals that they truly, truly do not care

it is my honest to god belief that the only reason there’s a little blue accessibility icon on the website is because, as a registered nonprofit, clarion west’s website must be ADA-compliant. I don’t believe it’s there to actually accommodate people.

oh my god the readings how did I forget the readings

in theory, going to a reading every week by that week’s clarion west instructor is a great opportunity to see acclaimed writers engaging with their work!

in practice, it was hell for me

so, to recap, we’re at 3 hours of mind-numbing class where I didn’t learn anything a day, two hours socializing (group lunch & dinner), and 4–6 hours of homework a night, plus 1 hour of extra programming, so we’re at 10–12 hours of clarion west-related activities per day

you still need to sleep (let’s allot myself my ideal 8 hours) and do at least the most basic of self-care like hygiene (let’s say 1 hour), so we are at 21 hours accounted for each day, then the at least 3 hours per party on friday (whoops we’re at 24 hours already)

every week, you go to a reading at the university of washington bookstore, except when you go to the seattle library for a bigger-capacity event like N. K. Jemisin’s reading, and between travel (let’s say 2 hours) and the reading itself (1 hour) that’s another 3 hours a week

and of course there’s a signing, so I felt pressure to buy books essentially as souvenirs, so now you’ve paid $5,000 to go to clarion west and pay another $25 per week for new books (averaging trades and hardcovers), totaling $150 for six weeks

I would have benefitted a lot more from readings if they had been limited to our class and on-site, how great would it have been to sit in this gorgeous lounge with a piano listening to Stephen Graham Jones read some absolutely wild story no one else could’ve dreamed of

but, well. I guess that’s not the point. since the readings are open to the public, they’re publicity for the program. I don’t think the readings are designed for students’ benefit at all

the utter barrage of this kind of schedule is why I explicitly built decompression time into my personal writing retreat. especially as someone with ADHD, I need at minimum one hour a day to just check in with myself and see how I’m doing, and self-soothe and process events

the demands of the clarion west schedule make it very, very difficult to do this. people will joke about neglecting their self-care and that kind of behavior is encouraged. chrissake, the free coffee was literally called death wish

every. single. day. of clarion west, I woke up feeling like I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t go downstairs for breakfast until I dry-heaved for at least 20 minutes from the pressure and anxiety. I started keeping a plastic bag by my bed.

every day, for SIX WEEKS

at that time I had been misdiagnosed with narcolepsy and prescribed prescription GABA, more or less, which I had been desperately trying to use off-label as an anxiety medication even though I didn’t realize at the time that I was doing

so it would take me 20+ minutes of dry heaving to be able to stand up and leave my room, and after lunch I would ditch the others to go up to my room and misuse the meds to try to at least nap or rest or decompress, but I was too anxious to relax at all

the only support network I really had at the time was a slack that had a lot of clarion grads in it. so all I got was “wow enjoy the fabulous time you’re having at clarion west, it’s a once in a lifetime experience!”

when I emailed one of the coordinators that I was having suicidal ideation, all I really got was pulled aside like “are you okay? well, let us know if you need anything”

like I had suppressed these parts in my memory that I’m only just remembering all of that now. and I’m literally shaking and making typos and my heart is racing, just REMEMBERING the anxiety and the sheer physical effect of clarion west, even as a person who doesn’t drink coffee

I had to pull over while driving because just thinking about how I felt during clarion west was making me feel too impaired to drive. it was really fucking bad and honestly a traumatic experience

and the entire culture just gaslights you to ignore all this. crushing tightness in my chest, dry-heaving and trying to get anything to come up at all to at least provide a sense of relief, but nothing would. and then I would just tell myself to smile and support my classmates

at no point did I feel safe enough to disclose to a single person what I was going through every day. I just told myself that I was lucky to be there

I was also the third youngest member of my cohort, and I’m someone from a culture where it takes more to challenge authority, so I never felt any sense of empowerment, just that I was fresh new blood

like I’m literally on the verge of an anxiety attack right now and I haven’t had them in ages. I’ve even stopped carrying my anti-anxiety meds, because I don’t need them. but remembering the full scope of clarion west and I’m wishing I had my hydroxyzine right now

but I don’t, so I just have to do some deep breathing to calm myself down. my watch has recorded my heart rate as being over 100bpm, and I’m sitting down. I can feel all the muscles in my body clenching up. from the MEMORY of clarion west

and *holds head in hands* THAT’S STILL NOT EVERYTHING

but I’m gonna have to take a break because I gotta, you know, drive to get pads and food and go home. it’s been A Week and Imma need to follow my boundaries and give myself some decompression space before I engage with this again

speaking of things that seemed perfectly normal to me at the time but now make me go “wait what,” on the first day (I think? definitely in the first week) you have to settle any outstanding balance you have,

which they did by… having everyone wait in the common room and calling people by legal name* to a side room where you would handle the details in private

* unsure if this was a paperwork error or an explicit policy to use legal name over byline on only this occasion

since I had received a scholarship, I was called in to the side room… to be told I had $0 to pay. and then I left

this literally could have been an email. would have been better as an email. I get that there is a bill and there’s costs to cover, but it felt weird even at the time to me that it was so explicit that you had to pay your dues before being allowed in

also—caveat that this is only for the old location that they are no longer in—after you have paid $5,000 to attend this prestigious writing workshop, your accommodations do not include a private bathroom, or private shower. they’re communal bathrooms and showers

I mean… I already find showering to be difficult for disability reasons, so to not have the basic comfort of a private shower while *gestures at entire experience above* for six weeks, it did not help with the stress

and if you don’t want to use a communal shower for privacy or gender or medical reasons, there just… isn’t another option

also, the typical response for “but what if I can’t write a story every week” is “well, you don’t HAVE to write one, ted chiang only wrote 1.5 stories for the entire six weeks!”

which is… a nonresponse tbh, you certainly don’t HAVE to, but I felt a strong pressure to

it just kind of felt like more of the same addressing overwork by making light of it instead of giving actual self-care guidance

I feel like, if you treat clarion west as a social event and go in with the focus of meeting people, you’ll probably have a decent time

if you go in expecting to learn about writing, it’s… more disappointing

it really weirded me out when I went down to the basement once to find our week 1 instructor (Paul Park) having drinks & shooting the shit with students, afaik everyone behaved respectfully, but “drinking with your instructor is a cool way to socialize” doesn’t sit right with me

we also had an issue with our week 6 instructor (Michael Swanwick, last-minute sub for Geoff Ryman) which I won’t go into detail because it’s not solely my story to share, but with some time now I think it primarily stemmed from a misunderstanding about the limits of critique

i.e., critiquing a manuscript is not inherently a critique of the author. and when presented with a manuscript described as fiction, you should treat it as entirely fictional, even if there are things like a character named after the author, or who reflects author’s background

ultimately, I think a lot of people took Michael Swanwick’s critiques as reflections of his personal politics and/or judgments about the authors and their identities, when I don’t think that was actually the case of what he was trying to do

in fact Michael Swanwick was the only instructor who, during class time, would attempt to teach, explaining things like three-character dynamics in fiction. though I personally disagree with the implicit fiction norms, at least it was instruction

anyway, the point being, this conflict could have been avoided entirely if there had been clear ground rules for critique, and not just “start with the positive and don’t go over two minutes, and the person being critiqued doesn’t get to say anything until people are done”

I did attend an online writing class before clarion west taught by K. Tempest Bradford, who adapted the milford technique with more explicit guidelines, and it was a class of 4 students, I think? 4–6, memory is hazy, a size where milford technique can work to develop analysis

anyway, the explicit guidelines included a reminder that anything presented as fiction should be considered as entirely fictional, and that comments are to be only about the manuscript

Tempest also established a critique format: summarize the story, summarize what you think the story is about, provide positives, then negatives, and the first two steps are critical to making sure both that you’re doing what you intend and that the reader comprehends

if these boundaries had been established at the beginning of the workshop, I think there would have been more of a willingness to consider different possibilities and intents of critique, than jumping to conclusions about someone’s personal character based on their comments

also, this critique format ensures that, regardless of expertise and background, you always have something you can say about a story. e.g., even if you’re a fantasy author and don’t feel comfortable commenting on science fiction,

you can still summarize the story as you understand it and describe what you think the story is about. arguably, those first two steps are even more important from someone without knowledge of the norms, to ensure there’s adequate context encapsulated in the manuscript

as an example, lots of jargon that seems perfectly normal to a science fiction writer and reader may actually be masking a faulty story structure, which someone who ignores the terms and the worldbuilding they imply while trying to understand the story’s structure may pick up on

this thread is great context for the systemic, macro-level problems affecting workshops and publishing in the US in general

https://twitter.com/nmamatas/status/1561016560843534336

👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻 I think it is possible to adapt milford technique to be instructional and useful (it was productive for me in Tempest’s class), but it has to be supplemented with *instruction* and hands-on practice, otherwise it becomes an echo chamber, and it has to be a sustainable pace

https://twitter.com/bydavidnickle/status/1561087975743799298

it just strikes me how the more I think about my experience, the more it stands out that the positives were extracurriculars organized not by clarion west, but individuals. for instance, my week 3 instructor Elizabeth Bear did an impromptu poetry reading & dance-off in the lounge

https://twitter.com/sqiouyilu/status/1560770599596834816

that poetry reading was one of the few moments when I really felt as if I were somewhere appreciating writing as a craft, and because it was a bunch of us reading aloud our favorite poems by other authors, I didn’t feel a pressure to perform and felt I could enjoy things

since it was other people’s poems, I didn’t feel that sort of double consciousness either of having to be pleasant and maintain group dynamics while commenting, I could just vocally discuss and appreciate the poetry

I did very hesitantly and shyly decide to read my own poem aloud and Elizabeth Bear was very affirming and supportive of me sharing it and enjoyed the poem, which meant a lot to me

another thing is that like… for me as someone with ADHD and who struggles to pay attention to a lot of continuous spoken conversation, sharing critiques… could have been an email. it could have been homework to read your classmates’ comments and use class time to ask questions

it’s just very very difficult to focus when people are basically reading notes off a page and you’re not allowed to interrupt to ask clarifying questions or to ask people if they could try explaining it a different way bc this way’s not working

I can imagine a workshop setting where, having done your homework of taking the proper time to read and ponder your classmate’s comments, you arrive at class ready with questions about craft, since you’ve had time to synthesize the critiques

at which point your classmates can be like “oh actually it was more x that was confusing for me…” or “well this is the context I’m coming from…” when they too have had time to digest your story, because they’ve already finished critiquing it, to give you the time to read them

and then the instructor can be like “ah see both of your questions are about how much agency the character has…” and go on to explain craft

in fact, you could even do the critiques in class, which a good number of us were doing anyway because if you’re person #17, you’ve had 32 minutes to not pay attention and prepare your own comments—so why not just allot time in class for a group reading & critiquing exercise

I just feel like there’s a certain upper boundary for how many people can productively do milford together in one meeting, and 18 commenters is well past it

accessibility has to be both built into the foundation of a program and the structure, you cannot simultaneously say “you must go to this workshop if you’re serious about your career” and have classes in only one instructional style that is excruciating to some neurotypes

I watch TV with subtitles on bc I can’t even follow the dialogue of something exciting when it’s audio only, my comprehension drops—now place me in an echo-y room where I have to sit still for 3 hours and not ask questions while all info is only coming through the audio channel

which functionally means that if you’re d/Deaf or HoH, you cannot participate in clarion west

like I’m sure you could still go and you could probably request a sign language interpreter, but is that interpreter going to be there for the 21 other hours that are considered crucial parts of The Experience

clarion UCSD has previously been… not very accommodating of providing for a 24/7 caretaker, I don’t know if clarion west would accommodate for similar 24/7 accessibility needs that involve room & board for an additional person

and I really just want to reiterate, me having an absolutely terrible experience doesn’t invalidate any good experiences people have, for the love of god.

it’s great that some people have good experiences, and the whole reason why I still bother to vote in the OEB fellowship at all is because I KNOW it’s a good experience for some people. so I would like to help alleviate the financial burden of it for someone already going

I also bother voting because for whatever problems there are in the program, I get to read incredible manuscripts by writers of color just joining the publishing world, and it’s always a delight to get that glimpse into today’s minds

and the only voting guideline being “who of these do you think most embodies OEB’s visions in their work” makes me ask myself every year what challenges we’re facing now, what equity looks like, what resistance looks like, and how it changes with the times

and I’m crying now because I still believe in helping people up even if our ideologies or experiences differ, or even if they hate me. I won’t ever tell anyone how I voted or whether my vote broke a tie, all I care about is, if it’s your dream, I want to help you make it possible

I have this thread muted now and I think I need to stop manually checking for responses for my mental health, so if you want me to see a reply, you can DM it to me

so I was able to read this by ian k. hagemann and the dialogue with nalo hopkinson, and it made me feel both relieved that I’m not alone, and incredibly sad that things may have changed, but they’re sort of rotating around axes of oppression rather than synthesizing them

https://twitter.com/sqiouyilu/status/1561134417111703552

ian went in 1993 and I went in 2016, and it is indeed a true testament to the fact that workshops CAN change, the fact that there was zero scapegoating at-workshop and that people generally showed a sensitivity about and awareness about race

I do remember that a letter from nalo hopkinson was included, and I can’t honestly remember if there was information about bullying on there, but I had found it reassuring though a bit too abstract for me to apply in practice

however by 2016 the dynamics of bullying have changed significantly, there may not be bullying at-workshop, but “scapegoating” absolutely describes how I feel over being cut out and isolated from the community

just because they have improved on race, doesn’t mean they have improved on disability. and when race and disability intersect, as is in my case along with several other marginalizations, there are more barriers to consider holistically

choosing to focus on BIPOC for a diversity initiative just seems, from an official stance, to be strikingly silent about disability, and it’s important to have public statements and not just oral or informal textual reports within the community

it’s not really enough to work behind closed doors to improve things, it builds public trust when you not only state a commitment, but provide updates over time to accountably show progress on that commitment, and provides opportunity for consensus and feedback

a workshop all about learning how to critique, should be able to handle critique!!!!!!!

I cried while reading the letters between ian and nalo, because no such apology has ever been afforded to me. the internet and social media means classes can stay connected after workshop in new ways, and canceling as scapegoating is the bullying of the 2020s

I was bullied as a kid all through elementary school. “fawning” means people pleasing, like a little deer, in the hopes that you’ll be accepted, and prevent abuse and violation of yourself

it, obviously, does not work.

I even preemptively sent out several apologies to people because I recognized that although I was having mental health struggles, some of my behavior was inappropriate or insensitive, and although I wasn’t sure why people were mad, I could at least make amends there

but I’ve just gotten silence, for the most part. I think people have this impression that me speaking up is gonna flood my notifications and DMs, when actually, it’s been quiet here. only one clarion west-affiliated person has directly spoken to me at all

I would really rather this not blow up tbh, I’ve had plenty of my trauma being extremely public on twitter, but like ian I still feel a responsibility to at least document what I went through so people can manage their expectations and consider what norms they find productive

we as societies and cultures have changed since 1993, and technology has added a layer of complexity to the issues we face; we’re networked literally and metaphorically, and any anti-oppression reform work has to approach things intersectionally and not sequentially

it makes no sense to pick and choose which aspects of diversity to “focus on” when I can’t pick not being disabled so I can be Completely Chinese. that’s not how we’re understanding ourselves now

and it’s one oppression to be hypervisible, & another interrelated oppression to be invisible. I am more easily ignored in the classroom because people expect an asian perceived-as-girl who is polite to authority figures and who delivers work on time to not be struggling mentally

my whole life it’s felt like I’ve drowned in plain sight, because people don’t question who they find invisible, and who they don’t even check in on

in fact just saying that makes me realize a key part of #InTheWatchfulCity that I understood as something deeply personal but I wasn’t quite sure what yet—the Hub is more or less the internet, the lifeline I had as a bullied child

and anima being able to take animal bodies is like projecting yourself through the internet to these different perspectives… but you’re very limited by what you can do

so when [spoilers] anima tries to save june from drowning herself, æ is ultimately unable to. I’ve grown up with many internet friends with mental health struggles, and felt helpless that I could never intervene in person

and like… #InTheWatchfulCity is a manifestation of my subconscious processing of what I experienced emotionally in the years leading up to it

my life had been so disrupted that I was struggling to achieve any kind of stability and had no mental health support, and not long after several social groups I kept in touch with online cut me out in 2018, I attempted suicide

it’s causing me physical pain to share this but I just… I guess it’s important to not be invisible, for a moment

what I’m saying is that canceling is a lot more complex than a lot of people make it out to be and can often end up being a form of bullying or silencing, and any kind of anti-bullying work now needs to understand that

and the pandemic has exacerbated this because social distance has forced us to rely on the internet more, canceling isn’t some inconsequential “lol this bitch again” thing, look at what constance wu went through, same shit, different industry

and here is, for your reference and mine, a resource for finding hotlines in your country, because god forbid the last thing I want is copycatting from documenting this findahelpline.com

*sighs* good thing I still have my retreat self-care chart pinned up on my bulletin board for creative sustainability reasons because *turns, squints at US national hotline number that I printed there so I don’t have to search when I feel like this, dials*

just going to leave this here so everyone knows I’m okay, funnily enough the operator who picked up shared my legal first name, anyway I am taking the rest of the day off social media for self-care and this thread shall continue to be muted