Thread by @TillyBridges

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about something nearly every trans person has to deal with, even though we shouldn’t… because this isn’t about us, it’s about cis people. Prepare thyself, because we’re gonna talk about CIS GRIEF OVER TRANS PEOPLE.

Cis friends, as before (and as always, actually), your sharing of this is vital because your cis friends, family, and acquaintances are the ones who need to hear this. Maybe you do, too.

This has been on my list of topics to cover for a while, but I’ve kept putting it off because it’s tough to talk about. It’s… delicate, I guess? I have tons of cis friends and family, and I certainly don’t want to upset anyone. But this crap keeps happening.

When I say “cis grief” I’m talking about the feelings cis people have when someone in their lives, usually someone very close to them, comes out as trans. For many cis people it’s a surprise, a shock, something totally unexpected.

And what ends up happening far too often is cis people then center themselves in the situation, aka “My brother now says they’re my sister and I don’t know how to handle it!” and here’s the thing:

it doesn’t matter.

That may seem harsh, so let me explain.

Of course cis people’s feelings matter, and you have got to take the time to feel your feelings and process the changes. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, nor has any trans person I’ve ever seen implied that. Feelings are complicated for everyone involved, especially us.

But we live in a world that basically hates trans people. Plenty of allies are on our side, but is it enough to make anti-trans laws a thing of the distant past? I will direct you to my post on TRANS RAGE aka STOP FORGETTING ABOUT US.

https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1541821681781510144

And of course its ultra-depressing follow-up, CIS APATHY.

https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1544360432021880834

To claim we don't live in an ultra transphobic society is to be willfully blind to the realities of trans existence. A trans person realizing their transness and coming out takes remarkable courage, even though it shouldn’t have to. My thread on that:

https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/137444445609980314

You can’t imagine how difficult it is to stand up to the transphobia of the world and declare your transness anyway, to know that living an authentic life as your true self has to be done in spite of people and laws that do all they can to ensure you can’t exist.

You also need to understand when a trans person comes out, it’s not a sad event. IT IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION. You need to understand it for what it is.

It’s someone you care about saying they need to live their truth, it’s them showing you their true selves and trusting you to accept and love them unconditionally AS YOU SHOULD. It’s them casting off years’ worth (or a lifetime’s worth) of pain and isolation.

It’s them breaking out of the shell, the prison, the confinement that kept you from knowing the real them for your entire relationship to that point. You FINALLY get to know and see and love the real person inside! How is that anything less than exciting?

But so often when a trans person comes out the response is GRIEF. “I just need to grieve for the person you were,” “I have to figure out how to say goodbye to the person I loved,” “I’m not ready to lose the only you I’ve ever known,” etc. Unequivocally:

THAT. IS. ALL. BULLSHIT.

The “person we were” was never who we actually were, it was a hollow costume and a part we didn’t know how to play and a person never wanted to be. See my post on dysphoria.

https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1283104571649191936

The “person you loved” WAS NEVER REALLY US. It was parts of us, at best, trying to break through. NOW you can see the REAL person you love, we’re here and WE NEED YOU.

You’re not “losing” anything other than someone you care about and love no longer being in as much pain and misery for every waking moment of their life. HOW IS THAT NOT JOYOUS TO YOU?

SO much joy for us lies on the other side. Here’s my post on gender euphoria. Don’t you want that for people you love and care about?

https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1430239296464691203

But so many cis people mourn who they thought we were, and I need you to understand what that’s saying. You’re saying THE THING WE ONLY PRETENDED TO BE AND THAT BROUGHT US GREAT PAIN was more important to you than who we really are.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have those feelings, or take time to process them. But you absolutely DO NOT DO IT IN FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO JUST CAME OUT TO YOU. You don’t tell them how much you’ll “miss” the thing that brought them nothing but pain.

Just think about what that would do to someone, the damage and hurt it would cause. Pretending to be something that hurt us made you happy, but being our true selves brings you pain? In a world that already does everything it can to keep us locked in that pain for eternity?

That is… not something you do to someone you love and care about. And it centers you in OUR pain and OUR coming out, rather than us. Our coming out IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about US.

There have been viral tweets with parents wailing about their kids coming out as trans and “needing the time to process” and “mourning their lost son/daughter” meanwhile their trans kids need them and are scared and live in a society where they’re under attack.

PROCESS ON YOUR OWN TIME. Do not make what may well be the most important time in our lives about you. Don’t mourn the lie we were forced to live more than you celebrate the truth that has finally revealed itself to you.

This also goes for us coming out. Who gets told when is not for you to decide. Coming out is such a deeply personal and complicated thing, and absolutely NOBODY, much less a cis person, gets to dictate how, when, and to whom trans people come out.

Before I came out publicly, I came out privately to some friends and family members. But not every friend I have, or everyone I knew. The reasons for that are my own. You don’t get to be mad if you weren’t told before my public post announcing it to the world.

Yet I have a few people who I thought were friends that seemed upset they didn’t get told earlier… as if it were somehow about them and not about ME. And they’ve barely talked to me since (which maybe validates part of why they didn’t get told early).

They’re upset, they’re GRIEVING that they didn’t get to be one of the people I told first. Why does that even matter? Why does it matter MORE than you now being able to see, know, and love the real me? Why are your feelings more important than mine regarding MY coming out?

What I’m getting at is that all of this, ALL OF IT, is about cis people putting their feelings above those of the trans person WHO ABSOLUTELY NEEDS THEIR ENTIRE SUPPORT RIGHT NOW. In coming out we’re choosing to fight transphobic society just for the right to exist.

And y’know… it’s actually not difficult to support a loved one when they come out as trans. It'll take work, and practice, but hopefully you think we’re as worth it as this lovely lady thought her trans son was (he’s so very lucky to have her for a mom):

https://twitter.com/rliumd/status/1569385979013918720

Do you see? It’s ON YOU to CELEBRATE the real us and not mourn for the pain we felt. WE NEED YOU TO SUPPORT US AND CELEBRATE OUR EXISTENCE.

Be there for us and don’t make it about you. Please.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.