1) When a narcissist leads a church/org/inst, the system becomes a "narcissistic system." This means that as the narcissist (N) relates in his sphere, there is an inter-dependent mutually-impacting dynamic that takes place...
2) (For my purposes, narcissism describes the state where a person cannot tolerate or absorb shame - even healthy shame, such as the "prick" of having hurt a loved one, that would lead him to ask "what have I done?") - [credit to Chuck DeGroat & Adam Young here]
3) Because the narcissist is unable to take in shame & determine whether to absorb it or to cast it off (ie: "is this shame saying a truth about what harm I may have done?"), he must off-load that shame to those around him at all costs...
4) A narcissist off-loads shame through blame, criticism, attack, domineering/controlling/manipulative & harsh behavior. All in order to protect himself from shame. This is why "projection" is common for Ns - the very things he critiques others for may be a flaw in himself.
5) (When the narcissist "projects," however, he is not capable of the self-reflection to be able to identify what he is doing -- that he is off-loading his own flaws onto those around him - this happens underneath his conscious awareness as a long-held protection strategy.)..
6) If the narcissist can keep the focus of attention on the victim (through deflection, denial, etc), then he is safe from the very feeling of shame that he is so terrified of. This fragility is why we sometimes see Ns struggle with depressive episodes of suicidal ideation.
7) I don't know a person who has narcissistic traits that also doesn't have developmental trauma. Trauma begets trauma. (This doesn't mean we don't hold him fully responsible for his actions - but abusers need to be pastored too - just not at victim's expense)
8) Back to the "narcissistic system." When the N has power in an environment where he's spent months or years off-loading all shame from himself to those around him, the people who find themselves in the N's orbit begin to operate around him in a lack of differentiation:
9) For example: in a church where the elders work with a narcissistic lead pastor, the elders have learned to not only absorb the shame that the narcissist must off-load away from himself, but to protect him from it to begin with. What he cannot bear, they bear for him.
10) My point here is: in a narcissistic family system, the blame (or in Bowen Family Systems words, the "responsibility") lies not only with the narcissist, but with the men (or women) around him who proactively act as linebackers to cushion him from accountability.
11) A narcissistic pastor may never have to tell his "loyalists" to protect him - they know, at a level beneath their conscious awareness, that this is their job. This makes it REALLY HARD for a complicit elder to see anything other than "I'm supporting this godly man."
12) Elders who learn how to navigate around a pastor's narcissism can't acknowledge or point out his mistakes (as would be healthy) - remember, the strategy of a N is to avoid shame - he cannot tolerate it. So, even minor criticisms will be felt by the elders as a brutal attack..
13) When the narcissist is questioned or accused (even mildly), the elders' default is to kick in to whatever mode will serve to cushion the N from any shame. A statement that "lead pastor is not gentle" will elicit responses from elders as if the accusation is murder.
14) Thus, the mechanics of abuse will progress LONG after the narcissist may have stopped actively saying/doing harmful things: the machine can go on without him, bc the system already functions to protect the "Lord's anointed."
15) This is why sending an abusive pastor to another church w/ a recommendation letter (w "he's had a hard year & maybe he has things to work on" as a mere footnote) might feel to these elders like just a bunch of emotional people upset at a good well-intentioned guy.
16) This thread is not exhaustive of course. But I've been pondering how in abusive churches, elders can say "wow this got blown up - the guy wasn't all that bad." When in reality, it's because without knowing so, they are playing a part in the abuse machine...
17) So that in a way, they're right - the lead pastor wasn't a big scary abusive evil bully - the reality is that the narcissist played a SMALL but crucial part in the bigger abuse picture that THEY THEMSELVES are carrying out.
18) Let this thread be a lament. A prayer. A crying out for justice & a surrender of what I have no control of. All I have is Christ. I hold on to His words about Himself - He is gentle & meek. It is a comfort to me that the abuse done to me and others is NOT OF HIM. Amen
16) If you're gotten this far, thank you for reading. I may add more as I think of things, but. There it is. #churchtoo #9markstoo #sbctoo
@chuckdegroat credit to you here!
@stevecusswords you are the master of family systems theory - would love any input on this from you!
19) (Concepts taken from Bowen Family Systems and then digested in my chaotic brain & spilling out in these words). 🤷🏻♀️☺️🦄
Just remembered my info about shame & narcissism is actually from Jim Wilder in this book: amazon.com/Other-Half-Chu…
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
