Thread by @mattschnuck

A famous psychologist can predict divorce with 91% accuracy.

A-list celebs and billionaires go to him with their relationship challenges.

Here’s the trick he uses to unlock hostile conflicts:

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned researcher.

For nearly 50 years, he’s studied the science of relationships.

Best known for predicting divorce, Gottman gets relationships as well as anyone.

I was in Gottman’s kitchen when he told me this stat from his research:

69% of conflicts in a relationship can’t be solved.

So, what do you do?

Gottman has a metaphor for unsolvable conflicts:

“Dreams within Fists”

Here’s Gottman’s strategy for “solving” unsolvable conflicts:

Sometimes people in conflict are like two closed fists grinding into one another.

Inside each fist is a dream held dearly by each party.

Most people are solely focused on their dream.

They’re usually NOT focused on or curious about the other person’s dream.

And that’s where Gottman’s strategy comes into play.

Progress on an unsolvable conflict starts with trying to understand the dream inside the other's fist.

This will not solve the conflict, but it may create a path to a workable compromise.

Here’s how Gottman advises you to approach that conversation:

1. LISTEN TO EACH OTHER'S DREAMS

Take turns being the “dream catcher” who is listening without judgment.

Helpful questions for the dream catcher to ask:

-Do you have any core beliefs, values, or ethics that are part of your position on this issue?
-Does this relate to your background in any way?
-Can you tell me why this is so important to you?

2. REFLECT

Are there any aspects of the other’s dreams that you can support?

The most long-lasting relationships or partnerships are ones in which each of you supports the other’s dreams.

3. DRAW THE CIRCLES

The inner circle is the non-negotiables for each side.

The outer circle is the area where there could be some compromise.

Knowing each other’s dreams, are there any areas you can fill in here where you COULD have some flexibility?

4. THE ART OF COMPROMISE

Gottman recommends considering a compromise as a temporary experiment that you can revisit after a mutually agreed-upon time.

With that in mind, looking at both circles, ask:

What compromise can we try that honors BOTH of our dreams?

Here’s an example of this process in action from the work world.

I coached a CTO and Head of Product who were having a perpetual conflict that was reaching gridlock in an early-stage startup.

The CTO felt the Head of Product was being a perfectionist and slowing down engineering progress needlessly.

The Head of Product felt like the CTO was being sloppy with his team’s work.

After running the Dreams within Fists process, here’s what we discovered:

CTO’s dream: He wanted the company to be incredibly successful.

Because the company was pre-product market fit, he wanted to get new features out as quickly as possible to test and learn.

The CTO believed in this quote from LinkedIn founder Reid Hoffman:

“If you're not embarrassed by the first version of your product, you’ve launched too late.”

Head of Product’s dream: She wanted the company to be her life’s best work.

To reach its potential, little details add up to product excellence that will enable the company to reach greatness.

The Head of Product’s core value was:

“How you do anything is how you do everything. THE details matter!”

The Art of the Compromise:

Their dreams had significant shared ground.

They were acting in good faith.

They could support each other in a compromise.

They agreed that all features would meet minimum standards (all copy proofread, visuals being consistent with the brand, page load speeds under 1.5 seconds, etc).

So long as these minimums were met, features could launch quickly to get user feedback.

Both dreams were honored in the compromise.

The two of them have a strong working partnership years later.

Think of the Dreams within Fists process like CPR.

It will not save everyone.

However, for those cases with the potential for survival, it is a protocol that is well worth trying.

It has been proven to help many in need who can be assisted to find compromise.

Summary:

69% of relational conflicts can’t be solved.

If you have 2 parties who want to find common ground in good faith (and this is a critical caveat)...

Try using Gottman’s “Dreams within Fists” approach:

1. Listen to each other’s dreams
2. Reflect
3. Draw the circles
4. Practice the Art of Compromise

You won’t solve the conflict, but this process might help you get to a workable resolution.

If you enjoyed this thread:

• Follow me @mattschnuck for more threads on EQ, entrepreneurship, and growth.
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https://twitter.com/mattschnuck/status/1580211558860193793