Thread by @gradydoctor

1/
Grady Clinic, last week

Me: “That wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry I—”
You: *holding up hand* “Nah I’m good. I don’t want your apology.”

Ooph.

I parted my lips to say more but you spoke again before I could.

You: “Please just leave. Now.”

And you meant it.

2/
The student working with me shifted nervously. I felt thankful for the melanin that masked red heat rushing to my face.

You: “Don’t worry. I ain’t gon’ take this out on you.”

You looked at her & then back to me.

You: “It’s OK. I’ll still see her. Now please leave.”

Whew.

3/
You added something about how I made it harder for my student but since it wasn’t her fault you wouldn’t hold my shortcomings against her learning.

I apologized once more but you were done talking to me. And hearing me talk period.

I gave the student a nod and slipped out.

4/
I leaned against the wall outside the room and waited for my pulse to slow back down.

The soft murmur of voices from the other side of the door let me know that you’d kept your promise. Things seemed to be going fine.

In spite of our interaction before.

5/
Insecurity welled up in me. It offered excuses to make me feel better.

“Oh, this is clearly splitting. Classic borderline personality disorder.”

“This clearly a person with other things going on. Her reaction was out of proportion with what happened.”

Hmmmm.

6/
But I’ve been working on my #growthmindset and #vulnerability. Which includes owning my screw ups and pushing through them to be better.

Or at least, try.

Was I wrong?

I steeled myself and ran through the chain of events that preceded my unceremonious departure.

Whew.

7/
So here’s the backstory:

I was working with residents in the clinic during a busy session. The pre-clinical student assigned to work with me was there, too.

Yup.

I saw you getting triaged by a team member. The EMR open in front of me offered a quick view of your chart.

8/
Like so quick that all I registered was your age & your short problem list. After a quick check-in with the resident, I returned to the student.

Me: “This patient seems like a good one for you to take on.”

The student nodded & followed me into your room.

And that was that.

9/
Me: “Hello! Thanks so much for your patience.”

I confirmed your name. Then, gesturing to the student, I introduced her. You nodded in approval then looked back at me.

You: “Are you one of the supervisor doctors here?”
Me: “I am.”
You: “Oh good. Because I got some concerns.”

10/
I paused and didn’t speak. Kind of like I do when someone asks me if I can do them a favor and I want to hear what it is before answering.

You: “I had something that took way too long to happen. Like I was on hold and then I got cut off. Then—“

I interrupted you.

11/
Me: “I’m sorry that happened. When your primary doctor comes in, I’ll let you go into more detail with him, okay?”
You: “But he ain’t the supervisor doctor. I need to tell somebody who’s in charge.”

I tried to look more patient than I was feeling.

You went on to explain.

12/
And I interrupted you a second time.

Me: “I know these system issues can be a lot.”

Your face wrinkled at my jargon-y use of “systems issues.”

Me: “In the interest of time, let’s go ahead and get your visit started and loop back to that. Okay?”

*silence*

13/
You scowled at me. Hard. Then, while muttering under your breath, you turned your body away from me.

I craned my head over to face you.

Me: “Is everything okay?”
You: “You don’t care so it doesn’t matter. You can leave now.”

You flicked your hand toward the door.

Ooph.

14/
Me: “No, I do care. I—“
You: “The way you just dismissed me when I tried to talk about my concern told me plenty ‘bout where you at. You can go now.”

*silence*

Me: “That wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry I—”
You: *holding up hand* “Nah I’m good. I don’t want your apology.”

15/
After that, you dismissed me. After saying I was only trying to save face.

So I left.

Then, right and right there, I pushed past my embarrassment and reflected on my actions.

And acknowledged that my behavior wasn’t patient centered. And that you were right.

You were.

16/
My main concern was clinic flow and ensuring that my student wasn’t just standing around.

Had I reviewed your chart even a tiny bit, I would’ve had context for your concerns. And even if the last note didn’t tell me that, I still should’ve stopped to hear you.

I was wrong.

17/
So after the student and resident saw you, I told them just that. I made up my mind to be vulnerable and admit that I felt embarrassed in front of them when that happened.

But then I shared what I learned and how I could’ve done better. And how I will next time.

Or try.

18/
And no, you did not offer me closure when I returned to you. There was no tearful reconciliation or you accepting my apology.

Nope.

Just me left to sit in that lumpy space between knowing better and doing better.

My final sorry was left unread. Which was your right.

19/
If I had more time on this thread, I’d dig even deeper into how my own bias was at play. Like how perhaps a Grady octogenarian elder would’ve gotten more deference from me than you did.

Sigh.

I did share that with my team though. Because it was true.

And I’m glad I did.

20/
So shout out to @BreneBrown whose book “Dare to Lead” helped me in that moment.

Yup.

Even as leaders we are works in progress with feet of clay. Grateful for moments like these that remind me to just keep trying.

Yeah.💛

#humanismalways
#normalizeimperfection