Tonight is #BonfireNight, an event that puzzles many readers from outside the UK. What is this festival of anarchy and why do the Brits keep doing it?
Let me try to explain...
Guy Fawkes Night is a traditional re-enactment of naked sectarianism, domestic terrorism, licensed beggary, arson, anarchy and disrespect. It's all very quaint and happens each year on the 5th of November - #BonfireNight!
BonfireNight 'celebrates' the disruption of an attempt to blow up the Houses of Parliament in 1605; a time in British history when everyone hated everyone else due to religion, nationalism and politics that would culminate 40 years later in a massive civil war. Like you do...
Effegies of the plot leader Guy Fawkes are burnt on huge public bonfires to commemorate the event, accompanied with fireworks, disgusting jacket potatoes and moaning about how early they advertise Christmas nowadays.
But the real meaning of Bonfire Night is explosives! We're really commemorating the time when citizens had ready access to military grade ordinance - like we did in the war. It's a special moment when a father first presents gunpowder and matches to his kids...
Another reason we celebrate Bonfire Night is because it's NOT American! Unlike Halloween with it's trick or treating - exposing children to 'stranger danger' and type-2 diabetes - we prefer British children to play with powerful explosives in front of a massive conflagration.
#BonfireNight cuts across Britain's strict class hierarchy; public schoolboys delight their teachers by setting fire to their school, whilst street urchins merrily steal anything not nailed down for a wasteground bonfire - the cheeky scamps!
British parents force their children to stare at the local bonfire on Bonfire Night in the same way Time Lords force their children to stare into the burning vortex of time itself. The results are much the same: no permanent psychic damage ever occurs.
Alas the British fireworks industry, like the British Space Programme, is in decline. Foreign brands now flood the market and whilst they 'say' they will sparkle and delight they rarely deliver. Apparently they blame the weather over here.
Fireworks are of course very dangerous and parents are meant to follow the Fireworks Code: keep them in a biscuit tin and set them off all at once with a lit Benson & Hedges or something. It's hard to read this thing at night you know!
Many people want to ban Bonfire Night: it terrifies pets, threatens wildlife and causes many injuries. These are all valid concerns, and soon bonfires - like asbestos blankets, lead paint, mercury tooth fillings and fireworks boxing matches - will become relics of our history.
Time passes, and many traditions pass with it. After all "It is Guy Fawkes who is remembered today, and King James who is forgotten."
More stories another time...
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He is X-RAY-3, the best agent in the Psychoanalytic Special Department. He battles supernatural crime and mad scientists. His books have sold over 20 million copies in the German-speaking world.
Let me introduce you to Larry Brent...
Larry Brent and the other agents of the Psychoanalytic Special Department lead the worldwide fight against crimes of supernatural or unusual origin. Their base is under the Tavern On The Green pub in New York's Central Park, if you're ever in the area.
And Larry Brent is quite a cool hero: he drives a Lotus Europa, uses a Smith & Wesson laser gun and has a secret communicator ring. It's all vital kit in the battle against his corrupt demonic adversaries!
Today in pulp... a few issues of Ghost Stories magazine!
Ghost Stories was launched in July 1926 by Bernarr Macfadden, who is probably best known for his magazine Physical Culture. However his publishing company was already starting to branch out into 'True Detective' style magazines so they decided to take a punt on ghost tales too.
Given the popularity of Weird Takes (launched in 1923 by J. C. Henneberger) McFadden clearly felt there was a market for occult stories. And initially he was right: sales of Ghost Stories were brisk for most of the 1920s.
So a few people have started to quit Twitter. Should you join them?
Old codgers like me go on about how good the online world used to be. But was it? What went wrong? And what does the future hold?
Let me start up Netscape Navigator and give you a few thoughts *dialing tone*...
The internet began as a revolutionary thought: what if we had a place with no rules and no authority, where communication could be global, instantaneous and free?
We know what happened next. Money arrived. Wearing a polo shirt and preaching freedom. Yeah baby!
The internet is huge, and ever since its creation people have been trying to control it. Initially we worried about online security: the web is not very secure, a lot of its infrastructure is old and we're all pretty careless on security: fertile ground for mischief, or worse.
Today in pulp I'm looking back at some Michael Moorcock books, and having a think about the New Wave of science fiction that started in the 1960s...
In Britain the New Wave is often associated with New Worlds magazine, which Moorcock edited from 1964 to 1970. Financial troubles caused the magazine to close in 1970, but it made sporadic comebacks over the subsequent years.
However he started as editor of Tarzan Adventures in 1957, where he introduced Sojan the Swordsman - perhaps his first stab at creating an 'eternal champion' character