Thread by @miller_abra

🧵Especially in recent months, I’ve seen an uptick of men claiming that their ex wives were wrong for filing for divorce against them, “she was the one who filed” is a common complaint as if who files first indicates who was most guilty.

Studies show that women are more likely to file for divorce but their reasons often point to the other party having broke the actual marriage vows. She may file when the situation gets bad enough that she cannot or will not submit to mistreatment.

We know that it takes two people to make a marriage work, but in cases of abuse, it only takes one person to destroy it.

I’ve watched two familial divorces (apart from mine) in which the wife filed first due to the husband being unwilling to change his abusive habits - in both cases he blamed her for the divorce despite his blatant rejection of compromise, repentance or reconciliation.

In both cases she filed for a no fault divorce, but he continued to demonize her as if he had grounds against her to the detriment of the children. His behavior was far made harmful to the children than if they’d simply parted ways with grace and coparented peacefully.

We must ask ourselves, as Solomon did with the women and the baby (1 Kings 3), who benefits more? Who cares more about the children and who has more to lose? What are the motives here?

Almost always, it is the person filed against who has the most to gain by demonizing the other party. Women almost always lose tremendously when getting divorced financially, in stability and cultural acceptance.

Should we really be trusting the viewpoint of the man who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar? If he rages against the wife of his youth instead of cherishing her, doesn’t that prove she has grounds for divorce?

I’m not, by any means, saying women are never the guilty parties in divorce -I know some who definitely were, but they are the minority. And when men claim that women get divorced for frivolous reasons, they only reveal their own obliviousness to reality and personal bitterness.

In other words, when a woman flees a house that is on fire, is she guilty of setting the fire? #divorce #abuse

I just think we need to consider context when we hear these narratives (often from angry men) about what a horrible and sinful woman their former wife was for filing for divorce to get away from them. There is always more going on than meets the eye.