Thread by @OmondiKenny

THREAD 🧵#HUSTLERFUND😂

As a venerated Luo, requesting for the Hustler Fund isn't something that falls right into the realms of my pride, community, tenets and cultural status. But, well, what happens when a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do? I found out the interesting way..

While driving down Thika Road, my sleek Toyota Auris malfunctioned. Saddled with a flat tyre, I was, needless to say, forced to stop, get out and attend to the embarrassing occurrence, whilst other motorists zoomed past me, some hooting incessantly - and, others, vexingly.

Amid the highway chaos, and lawless Githurai 45 buses roaring down the tarmac, I managed to fish out my tools from the car's trunk, yanked off my Balmain embroidered blazer and got down to business. But wait...I hadn't checked to see the state of my MPESA. Or cash for that matter

Crouched next to my car, I toiled away, working the spanner like magic as the screechy nuts fell off. I was discomforted by not just my status but the numbing anxiety from the testy Thika Road drivers. Soon, the wheel came off, dust rising as the thud slapped against the tarmac

A few idle chaps soon joined in, squatting alongside me, quickly busying themselves, reaching for my spare tyre and angrily cursing at a couple speeding matatus. Work was soon done. And I needed to pay these chaps. Or things would get a little sour. Oh, wait! Hustler Fund! 😂

The proud Luo in me quickly whipped out my iPhone, caressed around the keypad and dialed *254#. My Hustler Fund limit was a paltry 800 bob. Well, this should do, shouldn't it? I immediately applied for a quickie Ruto loan. And voila, 765 (or so) bob was channeled to my MPESA!

"Tupatie mia mbili manze twende Bana!" my boys were not getting impatient. "Nitume kwa MPESA?", I asked. "Simu imezima!," they retort. Hmmm, now these two were becoming a nuisance. And I still had no cash. And boy, I need to leave the scene ASAP! Now I had to get creative...😉😉

"Ingieni hapa twende basi tukatafute MPESA niwatolee," I say to them. Alas, they agree. As we drive down, we start a chat, they're funny, silly, quirky, goofy. "Ama utushikie jug mbili weee uende," one of them suggests, wryly. Oh, perfect! I think. "Sawa, wapi?" I quickly ask..

Both get creative. Everyone has their own crazy suggestion. We, infact, walk into one kajoint whose pungent urine smell knocks you back. There are all manner of rascals idling around. A blacked-out girl lies across the table. And one dude can't stop staring down at me. I vote NO.

As we speak, we are already three Keg jugs down at a local, dinghy bar along Lumumba Drive. I'm three Tuskers down and two samosas deep. Also, one of them has already charged their katulu, requested for a Hustler Fund (they got 300) and we're now searching for Mutura on Glovo! 😂

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