1/
When I saw you on rounds that morning you were quiet. Your eyes looked in my direction but were otherwise vacant.
This was a change.
Me: "You okay?"
You: "Yup."
There was coolness in the way you spoke. After that, you turned away from me and faced the wall.
Ooph.
When I saw you on rounds that morning you were quiet. Your eyes looked in my direction but were otherwise vacant.
This was a change.
Me: "You okay?"
You: "Yup."
There was coolness in the way you spoke. After that, you turned away from me and faced the wall.
Ooph.
2/
I asked you to sit up in bed and carefully untied the back of your gown. I searched your back with my stethoscope.
Me: "Can you take a deep breath?"
You: *deep breath*
Me: "And let it out."
You: *let it out*
You did as I asked. But it was all business.
Still chilly.
I asked you to sit up in bed and carefully untied the back of your gown. I searched your back with my stethoscope.
Me: "Can you take a deep breath?"
You: *deep breath*
Me: "And let it out."
You: *let it out*
You did as I asked. But it was all business.
Still chilly.
3/
I thought I'd attempt to lift the mood.
Me: "You sound a lot better."
You: *head nod and shrug*
*silence*
This wasn’t my first time caring for you. So, for the most part, our interactions were warm and familiar.
But not today.
Me: “You good?”
You raised an eyebrow.
I thought I'd attempt to lift the mood.
Me: "You sound a lot better."
You: *head nod and shrug*
*silence*
This wasn’t my first time caring for you. So, for the most part, our interactions were warm and familiar.
But not today.
Me: “You good?”
You raised an eyebrow.
4/
This time you turned to make eye contact with me.
You: “Are YOU good?” *snort and mumble* “Oh, I know y’all are good.” *shaking head*
Eek.
Now I knew I was reading the room correctly. This wasn’t just hospital melancholy. This was shade.
Directed at me.
Ooph.
This time you turned to make eye contact with me.
You: “Are YOU good?” *snort and mumble* “Oh, I know y’all are good.” *shaking head*
Eek.
Now I knew I was reading the room correctly. This wasn’t just hospital melancholy. This was shade.
Directed at me.
Ooph.
5/
I had two options:
1. Act like I didn’t notice, bid you adieu, and finish rounding.
2. Peel back this onion layer knowing that it would be uncomfortable.
Sigh.
Though choice one was sounding really good, I knew I needed to probe.
Me: “Umm... Can I ask you something?”
I had two options:
1. Act like I didn’t notice, bid you adieu, and finish rounding.
2. Peel back this onion layer knowing that it would be uncomfortable.
Sigh.
Though choice one was sounding really good, I knew I needed to probe.
Me: “Umm... Can I ask you something?”
6/
You just looked at me. No words or even change of expression.
Me: “I’m sensing that something’s wrong. Did something happen or did I do something that wasn’t okay with you?”
*silence*
You: “I’m good.” *looking at phone*
I pulled up a chair and sat down. And just waited.
You just looked at me. No words or even change of expression.
Me: “I’m sensing that something’s wrong. Did something happen or did I do something that wasn’t okay with you?”
*silence*
You: “I’m good.” *looking at phone*
I pulled up a chair and sat down. And just waited.
7/
You looked up from your phone.
You: “I said I’m straight. I’m good.”
Each word was crisp and short. It was unsettling.
Me: “I’ve cared for you before. And we’ve been cool. The energy is off right now and I’m feeling like something happened.”
You mumbled something.
You looked up from your phone.
You: “I said I’m straight. I’m good.”
Each word was crisp and short. It was unsettling.
Me: “I’ve cared for you before. And we’ve been cool. The energy is off right now and I’m feeling like something happened.”
You mumbled something.
8/
Me: “Beg pardon?”
You: *raising voice* “That’s what make it so effed up. That I expected different from YOU.”
*body blow*
I bristled. And waited.
*silence*
You: “Yesterday? You said something outside my room and I felt some type of way about that. And I know your voice.”
Me: “Beg pardon?”
You: *raising voice* “That’s what make it so effed up. That I expected different from YOU.”
*body blow*
I bristled. And waited.
*silence*
You: “Yesterday? You said something outside my room and I felt some type of way about that. And I know your voice.”
9/
I could feel my face and neck growing hot. I rapidly sifted through the day to try to find something but came up short.
Me: *listening*
You: “You know what’s hard? Being sick and hearing a MF laughing and shit outside your room.”
*silence*
I could feel my face and neck growing hot. I rapidly sifted through the day to try to find something but came up short.
Me: *listening*
You: “You know what’s hard? Being sick and hearing a MF laughing and shit outside your room.”
*silence*
10/
You: “That nurse was like ‘You want me to give some Tylenol? Or go with something else?’ And you was like, ‘Something else like what?’ And the nurse was like, ‘I don’t know, some dilaudid?’ And you was like, ‘Dilaudid?! Lawd!’ And then y’all started laughing.”
Ooph.
You: “That nurse was like ‘You want me to give some Tylenol? Or go with something else?’ And you was like, ‘Something else like what?’ And the nurse was like, ‘I don’t know, some dilaudid?’ And you was like, ‘Dilaudid?! Lawd!’ And then y’all started laughing.”
Ooph.
11/
I remembered that exact moment. An exchange with a nurse about an unrelated situation.
But still. That didn’t matter. It wasn’t cool no matter what the context.
You were in pain. Like, that was a big part of why you were even here.
Shit.
Me: “Damn. I’m sorry.”
I remembered that exact moment. An exchange with a nurse about an unrelated situation.
But still. That didn’t matter. It wasn’t cool no matter what the context.
You were in pain. Like, that was a big part of why you were even here.
Shit.
Me: “Damn. I’m sorry.”
12/
You: “That shit wasn’t funny. Especially when you in pain. Like, I ain’t even know what you meant by that. I was like, ‘I hope she ain’t never in no dilaudid-level pain.’” *sucks teeth*
*silence*
Me: *holding your gaze* “I shouldn’t have said that. I was wrong.”
You: “That shit wasn’t funny. Especially when you in pain. Like, I ain’t even know what you meant by that. I was like, ‘I hope she ain’t never in no dilaudid-level pain.’” *sucks teeth*
*silence*
Me: *holding your gaze* “I shouldn’t have said that. I was wrong.”
13/
Now my eyes were prickling with tears. Which embarrassed me because the last thing I wanted to do was make myself the victim.
You studied my eyes to see if they seemed sincere. Then, you spoke words that sliced me deep.
You: “Real talk? I was disappointed in you, doc.”
Now my eyes were prickling with tears. Which embarrassed me because the last thing I wanted to do was make myself the victim.
You studied my eyes to see if they seemed sincere. Then, you spoke words that sliced me deep.
You: “Real talk? I was disappointed in you, doc.”
14/
I gave a slow nod & coached my tears back.
You: “Look. I don’t even know who or what y’all was talking about. But when you sick & in pain? Hearing somebody make light of stuff make you feel worse. Even if you ain’t meant it like that. We hear everything, man.”
*listening*
I gave a slow nod & coached my tears back.
You: “Look. I don’t even know who or what y’all was talking about. But when you sick & in pain? Hearing somebody make light of stuff make you feel worse. Even if you ain’t meant it like that. We hear everything, man.”
*listening*
15/
You: “I want you to pay more attention to that. Like, be aware that while you out here laughing somebody fighting for they life in earshot and trying to make sense of what you saying and doing.”
*silence*
Me: *tiny voice* “I receive that advice. I am so sorry.”
You: “I want you to pay more attention to that. Like, be aware that while you out here laughing somebody fighting for they life in earshot and trying to make sense of what you saying and doing.”
*silence*
Me: *tiny voice* “I receive that advice. I am so sorry.”
16/
I kept wanting to explain myself. Push back and say, “No, see, what had happened was. . .” or “Me and that nurse go way back and it was an inside joke, see. . .” But I knew that was irrelevant.
Plus I’m working on being more accountable in times like this.
I was wrong.
I kept wanting to explain myself. Push back and say, “No, see, what had happened was. . .” or “Me and that nurse go way back and it was an inside joke, see. . .” But I knew that was irrelevant.
Plus I’m working on being more accountable in times like this.
I was wrong.
17/
Me: “You didn’t have to tell me all that. I appreciate that you did and promise to take this feedback to heart.”
You touched my wrist.
You: “I know you care about me. But if you do something that make it seem like you don’t, that’s even harder. Feel me?”
I nodded.
Me: “You didn’t have to tell me all that. I appreciate that you did and promise to take this feedback to heart.”
You touched my wrist.
You: “I know you care about me. But if you do something that make it seem like you don’t, that’s even harder. Feel me?”
I nodded.
18/
You: “You ‘bout to cry? I ain’t mean to do all that, now!”
Me: “It’s okay. I’m a crier.”
You: “For real?”
Me: “Yup. Every day. 365 days a year.”
You widened your eyes. And then laughed. At me—then with me.
And I joined you while patting tears of dichotomous emotion.
You: “You ‘bout to cry? I ain’t mean to do all that, now!”
Me: “It’s okay. I’m a crier.”
You: “For real?”
Me: “Yup. Every day. 365 days a year.”
You widened your eyes. And then laughed. At me—then with me.
And I joined you while patting tears of dichotomous emotion.
19/
When I stood, you asked me for a hug. And even though I’m pretty sure my @EmoryInfectDis friends wouldn’t approve, I obliged.
After that, we were cool again.
And I was a better doctor.
I wept when I recounted this to my team. And told them I was sorry, too.
I did.
When I stood, you asked me for a hug. And even though I’m pretty sure my @EmoryInfectDis friends wouldn’t approve, I obliged.
After that, we were cool again.
And I was a better doctor.
I wept when I recounted this to my team. And told them I was sorry, too.
I did.
20/
I guess I’m sharing this because I want to normalize imperfection. I’m also realizing that humanism in medicine goes in both directions.
Just like grace and forgiveness.
And so. Today I forgive my imperfect self. And feel grateful for growth.
Yeah.
#humanismalways 💛
I guess I’m sharing this because I want to normalize imperfection. I’m also realizing that humanism in medicine goes in both directions.
Just like grace and forgiveness.
And so. Today I forgive my imperfect self. And feel grateful for growth.
Yeah.
#humanismalways 💛
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
