Thread by @DBlossius

THE NEW ILIAD. Written by a modern man.
The new Iliad begins with Helen and Paris' old, familiar elopement to Troy. New twists, however, soon become apparent. Her husband Menelaus will not wage war on the Trojans to recover his honor and his wife. Not at all.

Rather, he is *browbeaten* to it by his sassy mother Aerope. "Get your ass off the couch and bring her back!"
"Yes mammy, very well", but how to go about it?-- Unaccustomed to the idea of talking to unrelated males(GAY!), the king of Sparta cannot rally the other kings of Greece.

Instead he pleads with his aunts to send him his brother and cousins. At length, the whole extended House of Atreus (and only they) arrive before the walls of Troy. They set camp, each sleeping at opposite ends of their tents lest they be thought to be f@gs by the others.

After a week of hard fighting, dismay sets in. They're in an unfamiliar place, they feel lonely, the war captive Briseis of the fair cheeks has made the whole third phalanx simp over each other: Morale breaks down. They send a message home to summon their mothers and girlfriends.

The family females now stand behind the frontline hectoring and nagging the men to fight harder, HARDER,-YOU-LAZY-ASSES!
After 10 years of this, the Queen of Troy (there is no king) has had enough. She invites Agamemnon to parlay.

Queen Polyxena is unbelievably hot. She offers Agamemnon her pussy: "All you have to do is hand over your army to me in an ambush, Agy"
He accepts without a second thought. The Greeks are massacred in a gorge of Mount Ida, and Agamemnon takes his place in Polyxena's royal harem.

THUS ENDS THE WAR EPIC OF THE MODERN WESTERN MAN.

Dedicated to you @exterminatorzed 😆😆😆