Thread by @SoozUK

THREAD: Here it is, the big #EastEnders catch-up thread for people who only see it when they go home for Christmas with the family. Allow me to get you all caught up on the goings-on in Albert Square in its most explosive week of the year!

To kick things off…Phil, Kat and Alfie. Ok. So. Alfie and Kat were married, right? They’ve been married, split up, got back together, cheated, not seen each other for years, got back together about a thousand times. They’re meant to be together.

Alfie is a bit of an absent father but he’s come back in the last few months to REALLY make an effort…and he is doing everything he can to win Kat back! On Friday night THEY KISSED BY THE WALFORD CHRISTMAS TREE! So it’s back on?

Oh, did I mention that Kat is now with Phil Mitchell? YEEEEEEEP that’s a whole thing. But Phil’s been away doing…schemes. And neglecting Kat. And DCI Keeble is sniffing around to lock him up FOR GOOD!

Yeah, Keeble’s been after Phil for years (his family ruined her family as a kid). And she’s currently getting help from Phil’s ex Sharon’s young hunk lover and father of Sharon’s kid and REASON PHIL AND SHARON AREN’T TOGETHER…Keanu! Yes. Keanu.

Keanu was banished from Albert Square by Phil three years ago which means Keanu hasn’t seen his family in three years and has no relationship with his son. And he’s gonna help Keeble in any way he can coz he wants to come home!

Oh and btw Sharon is still in love with Phil, Phil has told Sharon he wants to be with her then changed his mind and chosen Kat and with Phil returning any moment now I predict a very peaceful Christmas Day for all of em.

If Phil doesn't go as red as a Lindor over the festive period it just ain't Christmas. Look out for that glowing red head this season!

Right, less explosive….Jay and Lola. Jay and Lola were a couple for a few years, broke up, recently got back together and are living blissfully with Lola’s daughter, Lexi. Nice!

A few weeks ago though Lola was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour. Ben Mitchell (father of Lexi, don’t ask) has found out there’s an experimental treatment in America and is selling property to pay for it.

It’s all very well done, Eastenders nails this sort of thing, and I predict there isn’t going to be some miracle cure for Lola just coz it’s Christmas.

OH! Do you remember Sharon’s thing with her Not Brother Dennis (son of Dirty Den…Sharon’s not Den’s biological daughter, remember?) and she had a son called Denny? Well Denny drowned in 2020 and literally nobody cared except Sharon coz Denny was dreadful.

Anyway, right, it turns out teen Denny had been having a thing with fellow teen Jada and had a baby that Sharon is now looking after. So when you see Jada show up at Christmas and go “WHO!?”…that’s who. Tiny bit more on Jada later...

Ok. The big one. Mick, Linda and Janine. YES, THAT JANINE! This is gonna be a DOOZY so keep reading...

Mick and Linda are Danny Dyer and Kellie Bright and they came to Albert Square in 2013 having bought the Queen Vic. They had been together since they were teenagers and were blissfully happy.

Nine years on, don’t worry, Eastenders ruined their lives ha ha ahhhhhhh that’s good stuff. Their marriage was tested by everything from alcoholism to an affair AND BABY with Max Branning. Finally this year? Divorce.

But the divorce didn’t come without someone helping it along…enter Janine! Yes, the one who did THIS!

She returned to Albert Square last year and instantly decided Mick was The One. She secretly deleted conciliatory messages to MIck from Linda but even that didn’t seem to win his heart…

So Janine went to Linda’s mother’s pub where Linda was working while not knowing whether she could go back to Mick and posed as somebody else and eventually persuaded her to start drinking again…yeah, Janine got Linda to relapse. INT SHE AWFUL!

Mick’s sister Tina was found murdered (it was a whole thing last year, I’m sorry you missed it) and Janine was all supportive at the funeral while Linda showed up drunk. Nobody listened to Linda's protestations that Janine was a bad ‘un. Janine and Mick finally…got together. NO!

Then? Linda, after a difficult day, started drinking in her car, her Max Branning baby beside her. She wasn’t gonna drunk-drive though so she called Mick to help her. But Janine intercepted the call and slipped out to get her instead coz she needs to keep Mick and Linda apart!

Janine drove the car, yelling the odds and then OOP she crashed! Janine crashed the car! But she pulled Linda in to the driving seat, walked away from the scene, Linda unconscious, baby maybe dead, like Homer disappearing in to the hedge ONLY WORSE. Janine!!!!!

Luckily baby and Linda were ok…but everyone thought Linda had been driving the car…and Linda doesn’t remember what happened coz she was shmammered.

Her baby (it’s Max Branning’s baby) was taken off her and there was a lengthy period where she didn’t know if she’d go to jail…Mick helped her and EVEN took in the baby that isn't his...much to Janine’s chagrin!

Linda is now clean and sober, got her kid back, working at the Vic, getting on great with Mick MUCH TO JANINE’S CHAGRIN.

There's loads more shit Janine's done to try and oust Linda including stealing £50k from Linda's daughter to try and pay her to leave Albert Square. Anyway.

Oh, and remember Jada from earlier? Well Janine got Jada to call social services on Linda and plant booze around to make it look like Linda was still drinking...all so her baby would get taken off her and Mick wouldn't want her anymore. JANINE!

I know this story is jam-packed but stay with me coz this is gonna a HELLUVA Christmas Day on Albert Square...

Janine’s daughter Scarlett sort-of knows what happened with the car crash, she’s basically pieced it together coz Janine had a cut on her head, got rid of the clothes she was wearing etc…but Scarlett is SWORN to secrecy coz what life do they have without Mick?

Oh, and Janine is pregnant. And she’s marrying Mick this week. And he ain’t keen on any of it but he’s a good (weak) man so rather than call it off and admit he is still madly in love with Linda he’s probably gonna see it through. Hey look, there's Sonia, she's still in it.

These sorts of things tend to come to a head on Christmas Day and I have a feeling that’ll be to Janine’s very chagrin too!

So tune in with the family now that you're FULLY up to date. Things are gonna get FUCK-ING KRAY-ZEE and you'll be able to totally join in.

Oh and it’s Christmas EastEnders so expect to see at least one crane shot. Sometimes there are as many as three!

Thank you for enjoying this EastEnders catch-up thread. If you'd like to throw me a Christmas tip you properly can at ko-fi.com/soozuk

UPDATE: Phil has returned!!!!