Thread by @fivetworzns

#SakuAtsuWeek2023 @sktsweek | day 6 ; rivalry, "look at me. keep your eyes on me" ; cw derealisation, descriptions of a panic attack

atsumu hasn't been feeling like himself lately. the letters on his keyboard feel distant, and the words on his screen are muddled together. he feels illiterate, not being able to read simple sentences that are presented to him.

there's a mish-mash of shapes and colours moving around him, past him, towards him. he hears himself talk, but he doesn't feel the excitement that he's supposed to.

"congratulations on first place," the voice sounds familiar, but atsumu can't place a finger on it.

it's only when he turns around to address the mystery voice does he realise who it is.

"ah, kiyoomi-kun," he doesn't know what to say, "congrats on second,"

"okay, brag all you- wait, what?" kiyoomi's eyes widen in shock "that- huh. that's very out of character of you, miya,"

atsumu sees the way he's looking at him. he's supposed to feel discomfort, supposed to counter his statement with a snarky remark. he knows that.

but his mind, body, thoughts, emotions- whatever it is!- don't seem to be connected.

he feels numb. empty. he isn't in control.

he can, however, feel the tightening in his chest and the uncomfortable jittering feeling that's spreading from his legs up to his torso.

"i- uh," he tries to say /something/, "yeah, maybe it is,"

as soon as it comes out of his mouth, he regrets it.

the way that kiyoomi's looking at him makes him want to throw up. it's judgemental- wait, no. is it worry? concern? care?

the tightness in his chest gets stronger the more he tries to decipher the meaning behind the look that his long-time academic rival is giving him.

"hey... are you okay?" kiyoomi asks, but his voice sounds like it's getting further away.

atsumu shuts his eyes, turning away from him, "ye should go, see ya 'round,"

it comes out shaky, almost pleading.

his heart is starting to pick up its pace. his limbs feel like jelly.

atsumu stumbles to the side, and he's ready to accept plummeting to the floor, already planning to curl up into a fetal position.

but he doesn't.

instead, there are hands- much more sturdy than his- that are quick to grab him before he makes out with the lecture hall's carpet.

"miya," he knows it kiyoomi, but he shrinks away from him, hiccupping from the lack of breath.

he manages a shaky exhale after, trying his best to respond to the other man. atsumu feels his legs moving, but he feels too disconnected to feel anything.

he only registers that he's sitting down once again when he vaguely feels the cushion-like material of the lecture hall's chairs.

"atsumu," there are palms on his knees, "do you have a water bottle?"

he's going through the motions, feeling animatronic as he grabs his bottle.

the jittery feeling comes back. it's at the back of his neck now, travelling down his spine and to his legs in short and quick, repeated waves.

"i can't breathe," it's only now he realises how badly he's trembling, "i can't-,"

hands are wrapping around his wrists, he realises.

"look at me," the fingers against his skin are moving comfortingly, soft, just enough for him to keep his eyes focused, "follow my lead. breathe with me,"

atsumu grits his teeth. his throat feels like it's closing up on him, but he's still following kiyoomi's instructions.

kiyoomi's legs are applying pressure on his, the kind of pressure that he'd get from a weighted blanket. that, and the fingers around his wrists, are doing wonders to keep him from descending into the abyss.

"that's it, good job. keep your eyes on me," his voice sounds closer.

atsumu takes a full breath with his nose after, exhaling slowly. he swallows, his mouth feeling dry from breathing through it.

he still feels hazy, distant, out-of-place. but the jittery waves and the constricting sensations are gone.

"feeling better?" and kiyoomi's voice sounds clearer than before, atsumu considers it a win for himself.

the fingers around his wrists are gone, but the pressure against his legs stay.

he nods to his question, not trusting his voice just yet, uncapping his water bottle.

kiyoomi hummed, and he makes movements that insinuate his departure from the scene. atsumu quickly shoots his hands out to grab kiyoomi's arm, "don't leave yet... please,"

kiyoomi shook his head, "i'm not going anywhere, i just want to get a chair for myself,"

atsumu blinked. he quickly let go of his hand when he realises that he's been kneeling in front of him the entire time. there's an amused sound that comes from kiyoomi, but nothing more.

when he re-adjusts himself, atsumu chases the anchor he'd been provided previously.

they sit in silence for a while. kiyoomi doesn't ask him anything- thank goodness for that-, and atsumu takes the time to reorient himself.

"hey, um, " kiyoomi speaks first, "if you think you need it... there's this psychologist i go to. she's nice,"

atsumu looks at him, "i'll get back to ya on that. thanks for offerin', i think i do," and he laughs, though humourless.

there's silence again. kiyoomi shuffles in his seat. atsumu looks at him.

"give me your phone," kiyoomi held his hand out, not even looking at him.

"wha'd'ya want for it?" atsumu asks, but he gives it to him anyway, not bothering that he hasn't gotten a response.

kiyoomi's clicking numbers on his keyapd, and then he returns it to him, "my number. now i have yours too. so i can send you the details, if you want them,"

atsumu grins, "ever so cold, ya are. if ya wanna get to know me, all ya gotta do is ask,"

"i take it that you're feeling better,"

"a little, yeah. thanks," and he really is.

kiyoomi nods his head, turning to look at the clock, "there should be another class coming in soon,

atsumu nods, "we should pro'bly go,"

they end up walking to the cafeteria together, and atsumu ends up accompanying kiyoomi as he eats his lunch.

he shrinks into himself when he sees the eyes on them. kiyoomi taps the table softly, getting his attention.

"keep your eyes on me," kiyoomi speaks, soft, "stop looking around, you'll feel worse, really,"

atsumu pursed his lips, "'kay," and it works.

they end up talking about the exam that atsumu managed to one-up kiyoomi on, bantering about the 'possible marking errors'.

"i'll beat you next time, atsumu," kiyoomi says as he gets off the campus bus at his dormitory block, a faux evil grin on his face.

atsumu smiles, feeling the most present he'd been the entire day, "we'll see 'bout that, omi-kun,"

// the descriptions are based on my own experience with them, different people experience them differently than others. i projected a little onto atsumu here, being aware of what's happening to him but not being able to stop it or be in control.

// i decided to add in the conversation about kiyoomi recommending atsumu to seek professional help because panic attacks and derealisation (especially) CAN be symptoms of other things. and also inspired by conversations with my friends.

// (discussions like those should be normalised anyway, there's nothing wrong in asking for help!)

// i'll also just take the time to say that if you're struggling with mental health, it's okay to ask for help and my dms are open if you need to talk <3

// anyway day 6 of skts week done! i have a meal cooking for free day giggles 👀🤭