The bedrock of true love is happy singledom. The more we are happy to be on our own, the more we will be able to exercise the correct degree of caution around finding a new companion.
Read more on the importance of being single below:
We tend not to think much of cheaters. In moral terms, infidelity remains as contemptible today as it was in the days of Moses.
But paradoxically, a more empathetic understanding of the psychology of cheating may help to prevent affairs before they happen.
A thread.
We can hazard that what often drives cheating is a desperate sense of disconnection between two people that the cheat finds no more grown-up or ethical way to deal with than by arousing the desire of a stranger.
It is unlikely to be sex that the cheater is essentially after. It’s just that they cannot rebuild their emotional link to their partner in any more sensible way.
We worry about a lot of things – the mortgage, dentist appointments, performance reviews…
But as our pre-modern ancestors knew, there is only ever one thing to be worried about…and conversely, doing so might be the key to finally liberating ourselves from fear.
A thread. 💀
We should fear death because it comes around a great deal faster than we think; it seldom gives us much warning; it shows no consideration for what we might be in the middle of doing…
It’s blithely unconcerned with wealth, reputation, kindness or youth. It rudely pushes aside every delicate idea and tender intention – and blocks its ears to all pleas for clemency...
We rightly recognise friendship as one of the highest goods. Friends are a vital source of light, laughter and joy in our lives.
But friendship also serves a more basic and perhaps less optimistic function. To put it bluntly, we need friends to stop us from going mad. A thread.
It might sound a little exaggerated to say that we go ‘mad’ if we spend too long in our own company, but we can fairly say that a range of distortions has a marked tendency to creep in.
Over a weekend in solitude, we can allow all manner of suspicions and self-hating insights to become iron certainties. It becomes a fact that everyone hates us, that everyone will find out what we did and that we are talentless, silly and irresponsible...
We hear many so-called ‘rags-to-riches’ stories – of those who rose from humble beginnings to positions of wealth and power.
They're meant to be inspiring. But what may be far more so is the opposite: tales of those who gave up plaudits and comforts in pursuit of simplicity. 🧵
Some of what can render us excessively timid professionally is the fear of what might happen to us if things went wrong.
We vaguely but powerfully picture the most lurid scenarios resulting from a sacking or bankruptcy: being forced to move to a monstrous housing project on the edge of town, wearing rags, needing to beg…
To be ‘in denial’ is to refuse to acknowledge a pernicious and painful reality: that one is addicted to drink or drugs; that one’s partner is having an affair…
But the most common method of denial is one that nearly all of us practise without realising – anxiety.
A thread.
We don’t typically think of anxiety as a means of escape. Because there are so many genuine things to worry about, it can be hard to see that we may at points be using anxiety in a very particular and psychologically costly way.
We are worrying about everything, continually, in order to stop ourselves from understanding, and feeling sad – very sad – about something specific in our pasts. Anxiety has grown into an alternative to self-knowledge.
The word ‘love’ is strongly associated with ‘kindness’ – which is why it’s surprising how long it can take until we are ready to tolerate being in a relationship with someone who can be reliably nice to us.
Why does this happen? (🧵)
We tend to begin with a different set of priorities. What feels more manageable is someone who can – in complicated and often unobtrusive ways – let us down, leave us unfulfilled, keep us waiting…and make us suspect that they have someone else in the background.
This, rather than kindness, is what we crave; this, rather than security and gentleness, is what feels right.