Thread by @CterminiPhD

It’s time to peel back the curtains of the struggles of a #NewPI trying to find her way. I was invited to interview for an award that was a great match for my research. Here is me cheesing before the interview… Little did I know how quickly would change... [long] 🧵

The first interview question was, “what is your parent’s level of education.” It took me by surprise, so I started explaining that they instilled the importance of education in me at a young age and was met with a “stop, stop, just answer the question.” So, I said, “high school.”

A 40-minute back and forth ensued, featuring discussion about my parents’ and siblings’ jobs/ages/education, whether I had kids, was planning to start a family, if my mom was at home with me when I was growing up…? I was shaken but kept smiling and took it.

I was interrogated about various aspects of my life and asked to defend my decisions. A big one was justifying why I studied music…starting from my choice as a 9-year-old to play the flute. “Was there a musician neighbor or, perhaps, an uncle who influenced me to do this?”

That grew into, “why did you continue studying music in college? It doesn’t add up” I don’t know if they were vetting me because of concerns that I would quit my job and pursue my lifelong dream of leading a Mariah Carey cover band… but this was not the way to do it.

I’m still baffled that they could not accept that a kid chose to do something because they chose to do something. And I kept doing it because it was a way to express myself, a challenge, and a way to decompress… I don’t have a hidden agenda.

Once that was done, I gave a 30-minute talk about my research program. I don’t know how I gave a talk right after that, but somehow, I did. And it went okay, but I just wanted it to end. Once the interview was over, I sat in my office and thought, “did that really just happen…?”

It did, and I was not okay. At first, I was like, lol that was sexist/elitist… I then started to feel shame, disgust, and disappointment. They were not trying to get to know me; they were trying to sus out if I could be typecast into a role within their club.

I kept thinking, at what point will people take me seriously for what I have accomplished instead of fixating on my background? I didn't study at elite institutions. My parents aren’t academics. Science doesn’t run through my blood (although we research blood in the lab).

My husband texted to ask how it went, and my response was “I deserve a f*cking Oscar for not losing my sh*t”. I called my mom to talk about it, and she said, “what the f*ck does my education have to do with your lab?”, and she was spot on.

The next day, I met with a mentor to discuss what happened. I sobbed in my office and kept saying I didn’t understand why this job was so freaking hard. Honestly, I’ve been a mess since this happened. This brought up a lot of stuff I thought I had conquered. It’s still hard.

It has now been four months of back and forth between various higher-ups about what happened. After much reflection, I decided to withdraw my application from further consideration. I can’t take money from an agency with values that directly conflict with mine.

At first, I thought, whatever, it’s money. And then I thought, no… this is not just money… this money comes at a price that I am not willing to pay. A mental toll that I would carry with me for the duration of the award and beyond. My trainees look up to me. I can't.

I spoke to a previous awardee, and she said to me “I’m proud of you for doing that… I wish I had done the same.” I’m proud of myself too. I won’t have to reflect on this in 5 years and question my decision. It comes at a cost ($300K, to be exact), but it’s worth it.

My research stands on its own, independent of my parents’ level of education. I’m not going to play their game to get money... But if you know of a donor who might want to fund a PI who stood up for herself and others to come and is paying the price, send them my way.