so many anime and jrpg are about understanding that people just have different natures and your goal is to optimize your skills in accordance with your nature, whereas a lot of western narratives are about overcoming your nature to become an exception
my wild theory is: the concept of acting despite original sin creates a narrative expectation of transgressing boundaries in western narratives, but zen & taoist principles like 無為 are about maximizing the space utilized within boundaries, like in east asian cultivation stories
I mean, one isn’t necessarily narratively better than the other, and in fact I actually allude to this dichotomy in #InTheWatchfulCity
are you secure, or are you pigeonholed?
are you free, or are you in precarity?
would anima thrive in vessel’s city? would vessel thrive in anima’s? the answer is not “yes” or “no,” it’s “only one way to find out! *throw them in the city, see how they live*”
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okay so initially I chose “@DecemberSeas” to be a race-agnostic name, but I am really liking the idea of pairing it with a four-character pen name, which I have finally Chosen:
海涯凝香
which of course is extremely difficult to translate into english, lol
so instead, here’s painful amounts of detail on context
from 學海無涯 ‘the sea of learning has no horizon; ars longa, vita brevis’ I selected 海涯 ‘sea horizon’, where 海 ultimately comes from a feminine 母 ‘mother’, ornamented to become 每 ‘every’, then with water radical 氵,
and 涯 shows water 氵 with 厓 ‘precipice,’ itself the radical 厂 over mounds of 土 ‘earth, dirt’
凝 has the ice radical and means ‘congeal, condense’; also ‘to focus attention,’ as in 凝睇 ‘to fix one’s gaze upon’; I like that it evokes both charm & the winter of “december”
the one thing my dad could reliably bitch about when he came home was that my spaces were messy, so yeah… I no longer have total meltdowns when I clean but still feel shame asking for help and feel like I failed when my bf cleans something just bc he wants to make my life easier
keep in mind this is my dad who, when his kid with undiagnosed ADHD kept forgetting to return library books and racked up overdue fees, decided to deal with that by cutting up my library card
not exactly a parental figure who taught any kind of life skills or routine
to this day my heart still gets palpitations when I hear a garage door open bc that’s the “oh shit everyone get into place and look like you’re doing something productive,” and even then my dad would come stomping in and first thing would be “WHY IS THIS PLACE A MESS”
man, my nonfiction writing format is just “ok let’s deep dive by doing knowledge calculus on the parts—“to understand x, you must first understand y” derivatives all the way down until you hit the core profundity limit, and then you integrate all the way back up to the conclusion
how can one conceptualize anti-abuse if one does not conceptualize power first
increases ADHD meds, drafts entire fuckin tabular formats again (sry for no alt text hands are just Pain)
there is another option if you are having these thoughts, and that is: drop out
if you have a supportive community and enjoy your PhD, then by all means keep going, but a lot of us try to force ourselves to finish just bc we have a notion that quitting = failure
a ton of “I don’t get it, am I stupid?” arises from academia having no clue how to teach anyone how to write well and express ideas with clarity. you are totally fine
data also is not meant to be neatly align with hypotheses, it does surprising things
not enjoying it? drop out
I wasted 3 years trying to keep going in a PhD program that clearly wasn’t a fit for me, something I realized after one semester, but I kept going bc idk aren’t you supposed to keep going and then feel Accomplished