Thread by @CaraLisette

As #EatingDisordersAwarenessWeek draws to a close, I want to leave a bit of hope. Mid 2019-mid 2020 was one of the worst years of my life. I was completely consumed by my anorexia, at risk of losing my job, barely able to function and absolutely miserable. 1/

It got to the point where every night I would fear that I was going to die, while simultaneously wishing I would so I didn’t have to wake up and face another day where my life was controlled by my eating disorder. I felt like I had no future and no hope. 2/

Slowly, thanks to an amazing treatment team combined with my own determination to turn my life around once and for all, I started to see some chinks of light. It felt like maybe, there was the slightest chance that life could be different for me. 3/

Those feelings came and went - the first six months of recovery while I was in the day patient programme were absolutely horrific. I cannot describe to you how absolutely unbearable every minute of my day felt. But I got myself through by using all the support available to me. 4/

I also reminded myself constantly that the pain of recovery had to be temporary. It just had to be, or no one would ever get better. The pain of living life controlled by an eating disorder is relentless, and I knew that because I’d lived with one on and off for 18 years. 5/

So I just put my faith in the process. I knew if I wanted to, I could go back. It was, in fact, easier to go back than it was to go forward. But as time went on and I started getting my life back, I didn’t want to return to being sick. It didn’t serve me anymore. 6/

I’ve now been discharged from treatment for two years, which is the longest I’ve ever been out of mental health services. Things are not perfect but my life and my mental and physical health are unrecognisable from three years ago. 7/

Since I started recovery my life is so much more full. I have published two books with two more on the way, I’ve been on holidays, I’ve socialised, I’ve been to festivals, I’ve gone back to university, I’ve got a new job. I can walk because I want to and not because I have to. 8/

I can sleep through the night without getting up to weigh myself, and I can wake in the morning without panicking about my body or how I’m going to face the day ahead. I can sit through films at the cinema and read books. I can have baths pain free. 9/

My hair and nails grow properly and my skin is healthy, and some days I even feel at peace with my body. I am prepared that anorexia might never leave me completely, but if this is as far as I get I’ll be happy, because I’ve never been so free or content. 10/

I don’t think I ever truly reached rock bottom, because every time I thought I did the ground fell away again. I always felt like until I was on my deathbed I didn’t deserve to get better, but thanks to the people I have around me, I started to believe that might not be true. 11/

I know it can feel hopeless and lonely and so, so dark when you are consumed by an eating disorder. It really, truly can get better. Keep going 💗 12/12