Phil Cunningham Profile picture
Mar 10 21 tweets 14 min read
Mysterious viral contagion sweeps Beijing. Symptoms include involuntary clapping for no reason. Advanced stages of the disease include the sorry sight of grown men clapping for themselves. Central Beijing cordoned off to protect the uninfected.
Great Hall suspected ground zero. ImageImageImageImage
Just before the Clap-23 lockdown of Tiananmen, an intrepid reporter (hopefully wearing a mask) interviewed some of those infected by the viral virus.
Normally such people run from the camera, but the virus hijacks the mind in strange ways. ImageImageImageImage
-It was weird. They were staging this fake election and all of a sudden everyone in the room got up and started clapping madly. It just went on and on, it was intensely over-stimulating. I don't think anything like this has happened in the history of mankind. ImageImageImageImage
The funny thing is, all normal precautions were taken. There was goosestepping to sidestep the virus. The soldier handling the possibly infected constitution wore thick white gloves. ImageImageImageImage
One possible source of transmission was the voting machine. (provided by Dominion) It malfunctioned and was inspected on the spot. It was then jerry-rigged so that anyone could vote for themselves. ImageImageImageImage
But the machine continued to malfunction. It didn't count all the people who voted for themselves, just produced a sum total of people in the room, thus skewing the results. Image
A remote camera caught view of the suspected patient zero touching the constitution. Ungloved. A super-spreader event followed. Photos of the stubby, short-fingered hand are now being distributed to help identify patient zero. Image
A tentative identification of patient zero has been made.
If you see this man (he may look older than this now, this photo was taken years ago) please contact the responsible government organs. Image
The Great Hall has been evacuated and people can be seen hurrying away. This brave man, exposed to the clapping virus, described for us what it was like inside the "hot" zone. ImageImageImage
The Great Hall is empty now, but worries remain. One popular folk remedy, of unknown efficacy, is to drap the infected area in red banners and cloth. It is thought to reduce the clapping fever, though some experts suggest just the opposite. ImageImageImageImage
Russia and North Korea have promised aid and support. Cambodia and Serbia also pledge to help China during this time of crisis. ImageImageImageImage
There are now troubling reports of outbreaks in previously uninfected areas. These teen slackers were bored and had typical teen attitudes until the virus struck. ImageImageImageImage
This terrifying footage just coming in now of an outbreak on a bus...
-I was just sitting on the bus minding my own business and the people around me started acting strange. ImageImageImageImage
We like to clap for the CCTV cameras. What's wrong with that? ImageImage
And there are signs the disease is spreading unabated. ImageImage
Outbreaks have been reported in remote minority areas. Clapping sometimes followed by a mad dance.
Mercifully, babies seem to be immune to this adult-onset clapping sickness. ImageImageImageImage
There is speculation that this image was one of the trigger events, though experts disagree. ImageImage
For example, this footage also provoked involuntary applause in people who were watching TV. Image
Outbreaks everywhere...
Hotels, airports, office building lobbies. ImageImageImageImage
Citizens are now being cautioned to resist the urge to clap for no reason. Resistance against the terrifying social contagion starts with the individual.
If you see someone looking starry-eyed and clapping, head for the nearest exit! Image
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Mar 11
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