Thread by @Lachlan_Edi

Today, in 'Scenes that will Never Happen':

"Hi, New Zealand, Cleverly here. James Cleverly. UK. Could you put ratification of that trade deal to one side for a moment please? We over here think you need to explain to us your nation's human rights and policing failures."

"Hi James. New Zealand here. Sorry, I was under the impression that your government believed the post Brexit trade deal was of the utmost importance in current relations between our countries, as you'd said.

Anyway, since you raise this matter, please allow me to refer ...

... you to the Ministerial statements issued following a judicial decision not to invoke the section 16 order and, in particular, the bit about the primary responsibilities of event organisers to ensure public order at organised public events.m

My understanding is that the laws and practises in the UK are pretty similar so, for clarity, what the fyck do you think you're doing here by impuning our record on upholding human rights?

Shall we get back to the lamb and butter tariffs now?"

* please note that, whilst it might cross the mind, the New Zealand High Commissioner would never be so gauche as to respond with any reference to Cleverly's own support for the current Westminster Public Order Bill amendments.

Because that's not how it feckin' works.