Thread by @scretladyspider

Imagine that you'd never seen the color red before.

a thread on demisexuality for #InternationalAsexualityDay #IAD2023 🧵

Everyone sees colors slightly differently because everyone has different eyes. For you, though, there's something very different that you can't quite put your finger on. And that's the color red.

Everyone around you loves the color red. But you don't get it. 🧵

The thing is, when you see red, it's just kind of gray. You don't really like gray that much. It's dull. It's boring. You don't necessarily hate it, but you wouldn't go out of your way to wear it. But your friends, your family, your classmates, even strangers -they all see red.🧵

It started around puberty. Everyone around you started to love red. Different shades, perhaps - one girl loves maroon, while another loves burgundy - but it's all reds. Suddenly everything is about red, all the time, even when red's not directly mentioned. 🧵

Your friends describe red as being this warm, vibrant color that breathes life and passion into things. They ask you what you see when you see the woman in the red dress. You say she's pretty, and she is. She's beautiful, and you like looking at her. 🧵

"But what about the dress?" they ask eagerly. "Don't you just love that red dress?"

"Uhm... well it's... it's a dress, I guess." you reply.

There's a beat of awkward silence.

"It's... very pretty," you quickly add.

They all laugh. You want to crawl in a hole. 🧵

Other people tell you they see red around you. Different shades, but, they see it. And you, not knowing what to do, say you see it around them. You don't, but what are you going to do? Admit that you've never seen red? People who see any shade of red but crimson are outcasts. 🧵

You could never admit you don't see red the way everyone else does. You don't even know how to describe what the difference is. All you really know is that when you look at the things other people describe as red, you just see different shades of gray. 🧵

You try solo painting. You look at all the art you can find. You read descriptions of art and read all the ways that red is described. You buy a whole box of red oils. And you don't dislike the art you make with them - it's quite enjoyable. But everything is in shades of gray. 🧵

Over time you start to think gray is what everyone sees. It must be. All this comparison of colors - it must be for show. There is no way all these people around you know something so obvious you don't. Everyone else must be exaggerating and faking it, too. Right? 🧵

In your mid twenties, you get into a relationship. You think, "This time, I'm not going to pretend I see red." And you don't. You don't bring up red. Neither does your partner. They wait for you to be ready to talk about what shades of red you like. But you like purple.🧵

You've always loved purple. It's always been a favorite. You like some shades more than others, but you still love it. You understand purple. You like sharing purple with your partner, drawing little violets with old colored pencils in a long abandoned sketchbook. 🧵

The two of you become closer and closer. You begin to trust them. More than that, you begin to fall in love. Their purples grow stronger, and you doodle in pen at night, dabbling in the possibilities of purple.

Eight months in, it happens. You see them in red. 🧵

It shouldn't be a special event. They're just wearing a red T shirt. It's just a T shirt. But... it isn't gray.

"What color is that?" you ask, wanting to be sure.

"Red." They reply. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Your face flushes. "Yeah, I'm fine." 🧵

You start asking your partner about when they see red. When did it start. Is it just daily life. Is it something they even have to think about.

It isn't something they have to think about. It's just red. It's just a part of every day life to see it. No big deal to them. 🧵

You start asking your friends when they started seeing red, if it's a big deal, etc. Their answers are similar. Different shades, but, it's sort of an automatic thing their eyes just do. Often, they wait to paint until they are in a relationship, but they see red everywhere.🧵

You try to explain that you're seeing red for the first time, but they don't believe you.

"Oh, I get that too. I see red and wait to paint with other people until I know it's not just meaningless, mindless painting."

"That's... not really what I mean," you reply. 🧵

Over and over, you try to explain that you really are seeing red for the first time. You're told that what's happening is that you were just waiting for the right person or people to paint with, like they do. You explain you've painted before. They say you saw red before too.🧵

Articulating to them that you very literally never saw red before, no matter what you did or how hard you tried, no matter who you painted with, no matter if you liked painting anyway, until this bond formed, feels like an exercise in futility. But you keep trying. 🧵

Then one day you run into someone else who has only seen red once in their whole life.

"How did you see it for the first time?" you ask nervously.

"It sounds like I just waited to paint, but it wasn't until I had a deep bond with my partner."

Your stories are the same. 🧵

Over time you learn that there are a lot of people like you. People who never ha the language to describe what was not seen. People who maybe only ever see shades of pink. People who see red every great once in a while without any particular bond, then gray again. 🧵

You learn that some have never seen purple, either. For them, red and purple are both just gray. And not only have they learned to be okay with that - they're proud of who they are. They're happy with the shades of gray they do see.

You learn seeing gray is okay. 🧵

You learn there are different shades of gray across those who don't see red and those who don't see purple. There are people who love blue, and green, and yellow, like you've never seen people love those colors. There's a whole world outside of red you never knew. 🧵

There are people who don't see red but enjoy painting with their partner. There are people who see pink and want nothing to do with painting. There are people who don't want to paint with anyone, ever, even alone. It's a wide and varied color spectrum, like all of the rainbow.🧵

Some people who see red and purple never understand. You often get misunderstood for just waiting to paint with the right person, or for paint-shaming those who see red freely. But you have community now. You have a home. Nothing is wrong with you like you thought. 🧵

You become more okay with people who don't understand. You learn that people can support you and never see what you see. And you learn that, even though you see red rarely, it is nothing to apologize for. You are not broken. You just didn't know what you didn't know. 🧵

And when you stop seeing red, that's okay. You might see it again someday. In the meantime, you'll talk to other people who see shades of gray, who rarely see red, who only see pink or who see red but rarely see purple. 🧵

And you think to yourself, "wow. what a beautiful rainbow it is, after all."

//end 🧵

(hi if you're new here I'm Elle I write about demisexuality in particular, I'm also very slowly writing a book about it. Here's where you can follow my blogs, read publications, and contact me for questions, interviews, or just to say hi. linktr.ee/secretladyspid… )

(I hope you're all having a fantastic international asexuality day! thank you for reading and learning a little bit about demisexuality through the lens of color.)