nightmares

retired #ghostsoap🧵(1/32)

Ghost did not know about Soap’s nightmares. Personally, Soap would like to keep it that way. Simon had gone through enough in the last year, and the last thing he wanted to be was another weight on his back.

Johnny was supposed to be the reliable one, the one Simon could tell anything to, the one he could lean on and the one he could cry with.

He was supposed to be the one that was helping Simon heal, help him feel more human, and support whenever his thoughts came to be too much.

What he wasn’t supposed to be was vulnerable. Soap was not supposed to be weak, or cry, or have any issue at all. He couldn’t afford it, he had convinced himself, Simon needed him.

Simon needed someone to take care of him right now, he was still injured. Physically and mentally.

Well, both of them were, but Soap wasn’t as effected with countless years of trauma and the final, near-death blow that had Simon die for a few seconds in that hospital. It was only a few seconds for him, but for Soap they were the longest and scariest couple seconds of his life.

He’d never been so scared for someone ever, so he decided to retire with Simon after he said he was going to as well.

It was because he wasn’t sure he could handle being away from him for so long, couldn’t handle watching Simon leave alone, he needed to make sure Simon was okay.

But a short few weeks after moving in together, the nightmares had started. He saw Simon and other members of 141, his family, who he still loved and spoke to whenever he could, dead.

They flashed through his mind, all of them dying or dead with nothing he could do to save them.

It was the worst nightmares he had ever had. Sure, he had had similar ones before on occasion after botched missions and such, but not as often as these.

These were nearly every single night, watching his entire family right before his eyes, as he couldn’t move. Couldn’t help.

It kept the scot up at night, moving to watch over Ghost and make sure nothing was wrong with him instead of sleeping.

He always had deep heavy bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep, and although Ghost did not question it, Soap saw the worry lines between his brows.

The last thing he wanted to do was worry Simon, so he began to slip out of bed before the other woke up, to the bathroom, and use makeup and concealer under his eyes to cover them up.

It was relieving, to watch as the lines of worry disappear, to be replaced with a smile.

But the nightmares still persisted, not even getting better even as he helped Simon with his eating, his hygiene and his hobbies, nearly falling asleep several times on occasion because of sleep deprivation making all his limbs feel full of cotton and weighted down.

Johnny was beginning to grow to a breaking point, on the verge of fully collapsing from the ache in his bones and the exhaustion tugging on his skin.

If only it could be like the nights at base, when they could hold each other and everything would be alright.

Tonight was just another night, both of them settling in for what Simon presumed to be a peaceful time sleeping together.

Soap was dreading sleeping, knowing in a couple short hours he would be sitting up, skin plastered with sweat and tears welling in his eyes.

Simon pulled the covers back, one hand on the headboard to support himself. Soap watched him closely, crawling into bed and shuffling over to Simon to help him.

Carefully, Soap held his hand as he set down and slowly joined him, moving his legs under the sheets with a wince.

“Och- fuck-“ Simon grunted as his leg caught against the fabric, Johnny quickly moving to adjust it and help him get settled down.

“Ye alright Si?” he murmured with a slight edge of worry to his tone.

“Yeah..” Simon sighed, “Still hurts quite a bit huh?” he chuckled.

Johnny took a deep breath of relief as he helped Simon with the sheets.

“If ye’d let the doctors help, maybe it wouldn’t as much…”

“Don’t like hospitals,” he grumped, head sinking into the pillow, turning his body to watch as he pulled the cover over them.

The scot let out a small snort of feigned laughter mixed with exasperation.

“One of these days, I’m tellin’ ye Simon.”

“Shush Johnny,” he mumbled, closing his eyes, a queue for Johnny to turn off the light. So he did exactly that, darkness cloaking the room in an instant.

Soap settled down, head against the pillow, facing Simon, watching his chest rise and fall, his blonde locks pressed against white fabric.

“Goodnight Lt,” he whispered.

“Night Johnny”

And then all was quiet for several minutes, room quiet besides the sound of vehicles outside.

He watched as Simons breathing evened out, anxiety twisting in his gut and letting his thoughts run rampant.

Tonight was one of those nights. They were getting more frequent, nights where he was too scared to sleep at the thought of seeing his dead friends in his head again.

He flipped over, burying his face into the pillow and trying desperately to think about anything, anything else. Every single thought, every memory lead back to Simon, or one of his friends, which lead to another nightmare.

Johnny’s shoulders shook.

Then,

“Johnny?”

Simon’s voice broke the silence. He quickly removed himself from the pillow, trying to rid his limbs from their quake.

“Hm, ye need something Si?” he whispered, traces of worry quickly finding its way into his voice.

“Ah, no… But- Are you.. Are you okay?” he asked.

Johnny froze, feeling all that exhaustion, all the tired pain and avoiding his feelings and the constant /ache/ in his bones all crashing into him at once as he just sat up, looking at Simon with wide eyes.

A moment later, and a tear fell down his cheek.

“Johnny…” Simon breathed softly, scooting forward to meet him in a hug.

The dam broke. Soap fucking /heaved/, a sob tearing through him, tears falling onto Simon’s hoodie, and he wrapped his arms around the other’s neck, shaking and crying with his face buried in his husband.

“Shhh… Johnny, love, it’s alright.”

Soap just cried harder, wails muffled by Simon’s clothes as wave after wave of weeks of exhaustion and pent-up guilt and sadness wracked his entire frame, shaking violently and fingers twisting into the hoodie like Simon was a lifeline.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, curling into Simon and keeping a firm hold on him, not wanting him to leave, to think he’s weak and abandon him again, abandon him like in the nightmares.

“..’m so sorry..” he whispered, his hands grabbing at the others back, trying to keep him there.

“It’s okay,” Simon soothed, running a hand up and down his back, the other in Johnny’s hair keeping as much of them connected as possible. “I promise, I promise it’s okay. It’ll be okay Johnny.”

Another loud sob, shoulders heaving with sorrow and need, a need to be close to him.

“Let it all out..” Simon whispered, patting him gently. “Just let it all go, you’re gonna be alright.”

That was just the thing that slowed the flow out the dam, the thing that kept him afloat in the river that was his constant suppressed emotions. Without this, he’d be drowning.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut with guilt, trying to keep himself steady despite the waves crashing all around him.

“No, it’s okay,” Simon reassured, propping Johnny’s legs up so he was nearly awkwardly on top of him. It was sort of comforting.

“God, Si.. I’m.. It’s been weeks… I’m sorry.”

A rush of panic jolted through Simon at that thought. God, it’s been weeks he’s been suffering like this, upset about something without his knowledge? He just made sure to keep a good hold on Johnny, keep him shielded and safe.

“Shh…” he whispered, rocking them back and forth ever so slightly.

Johnny’s tears slowly came to a stop, a few minutes of the two men just like that, in each others hold, close as they could be and gentle as possible, Johnny vulnerable and Simon keeping him in his arms, safe.

It was okay. Simon didn’t hate Soap, not one bit. He wasn’t mad that he was crying, was being vulnerable even though he had been before himself. In fact, he was embracing him and his cries, Simon didn’t mind at all.

Finally, he let everything out, opening himself up to Simon

He was opening himself up, letting everything spill out. He needed all of that because he was healing.

Both of them were healing, and it was just about Simon and his problems. Soap has issues too, and it wasn’t good to just keep them bottled up.

It was a slow process, together.

Soap and Ghost were healing, and they were doing it together. That’s all they needed.

———————

Please ignore how weird the ending is I couldn’t send everything at once and panicked to add the last seven tweets so I’m pretty sure I lost one of them 🥲

Hope you enjoyed this I am so very tired, Comments always appreciated!