Thread by @haleshannon

This is another 1-star review for THE PRINCESS IN BLACK AND THE PRINCE IN PINK. I want to respond to this criticism directly. Let's get into the misogyny this mother doesn't realize she's passing onto her children. 1/

"Why does this series need an effeminate boy character?" effeminate: "having characteristics and ways of behaving traditionally associated with women" So the criticism of the Prince in Pink is he portrays feminine characteristics. 2/

Why is that a crime exactly? Derrida argued that humans have a tendency to create binary opposites and invariably put those binary opposites into a hierarchy. So we decided different human expressions into feminine and masculine and the identify masculine as superior. 3/

Therefore when a girl expresses herself in masculine ways (e.g. a princess who puts on a superhero costume is active and combative fighting monsters) she is praised. We see this in smaller ways with girls. She plays sports. She is confident. She's a leader. 4/

Praised for not showing emotion. Not caring too much. "Not like other girls." As long as the girl isn't too "transgressive" with her masculine traits, she is praised. But if her leadership overshadows boys, then she's "bossy." Too assertive, she's a "b---." 5/

So girls are praised for some masculine traits as long as they stay in their lane. Boys on the other hand are immediately zapped for expressing any feminine traits. "Sensitive, humble, nurturing" boys often getting mocked. They must stay in their lane at all costs. 6/

It's this hierarchal binary opposition. When a girl expresses some masculinity, she's reaching upward. She's bettering herself. She's showing superior traits. When a boy expresses some femininity, he's debasing himself. He's taking a step down. 7/

"Why does the prince have to wear a tiara to feel confident?" I want to note that my husband wrote that line. He is a man who has worn many a tiara, because he has daughters who have frequently dressed him up to play with them. And he never said, "No! That degrades me!" 8/

Because it doesn't. He's confident in who he is. On the masculine-feminine spectrum (everything in nature is a spectrum, friends) he falls far on the masculine side. But he isn't afraid of the feminine. He isn't revolted by it. And he has the imagination to understand... 9/

...sometimes wearing a tiara does feel great! Powerful! A tiara can feel as empowering as a mask and a cape. We all have many tools we can put on to try out an identity, to feel ourselves a little differently, to tap into resources we didn't know we had. 10/

"The author is clearly capable of writing a relatable male character since the Goat Avenger is included, but I guess he fills the quota." The Goat Avenger doesn't wear a tiara. He doesn't want to. That's fine. The Prince in Pink does because he likes it. And that's fine. 11/

I know it can feel very scary when the way we thought the world was proves to be wrong. We want to cling to the old way with all our fingers and demand it stay how we think of it. But the truth is, people are complex and gorgeous in their complexity. 12/

There are LOTS of ways to be a boy. Isn't that cool? Isn't that interesting? As a mother, doesn't it feel good to think, "I don't know who my children will turn out to be, but I love them no matter what, and I am here to support them as they figure themselves out." 13/

Doesn't that feel so much better and healthier than saying, "You must be the way I tell you to be. There is only one right way to be a boy and only one right way to be a girl, and I will love you so long as you behave the way I think you should." That hurts my heart. 14/

What's so fascinating to me is that examples of many, many different ways of being a boy and a girl and a human being exist EVERYWHERE in life. But when writers write characters who reflect life, we're accused of agenda and trying to indoctrinate children. 15/

"This is just another grab to warp a fun series for children into a tool for woke indoctrination." This is literally just me and my husband, two humans and parents to four kids, writing stories that we hope will delight and entertain kids. Nobody is giving us a to-do list. 16/

Nobody is pulling our strings. It's just us. Me and my husband. But with this book, the idea came from kids. Since the first book, kids everywhere have asked us, "Is there a prince in pink?" And we said, "Great idea! Give us a few years." And we finally got to it on book 10. 17/

Kids are aware. Our 4yo was the first to give us the idea for the series.
One day out of the blue she said, "Pink and purple are girl colors, but not black."
I said, "Girls can wear black!"
She said, "Princesses don't wear black."
I had never noticed before. But she had. 18/

So we made a story about a princess who wore black. And you know the reaction? Praise! Love! This book and character are Officially Beloved. (Because a girl who shows some masculine expression: aspirational.) 19/

A girl who wears black and fights monsters: acceptable
A boy who wears pink and likes to decorate for a party: wrong
"Why can’t the author celebrate the strong feminine characters in her story without toning down the masculine qualities of their friends in stories??" 20/

This mother is clearly aware of the source of her discomfort. A male character without strong masculine qualities. My friend, my fellow anxious mother, do you see that that's misogyny? That feminine qualities have degraded a boy? That he's made somehow wrong and bad by them? 21/

Have you never met a boy in real life who didn't fit your exact idea of masculinity? Have you never known a man who existed on the masculine-feminine spectrum on any place but the one far end? Humanity is rich and complex and wonderful! I love it! I glory in it! 22/

"We will be stopping our family’s Princess in Black collection at book 9 since I’m sure the effeminate prince will be a recurring character. Such a shame." Ouch. This hurts. You did get me here. I feel pain. Not about stopping the books. That's fine. No book is right for all. 23/

But that phrase: "the effeminate prince." The way you said that wounds me. Because I know you mean it. You are so disgusted by this sweet little boy who feels good in pink and a tiara and likes to help people make things beautiful that you won't allow your kids to know him. 24/

That wounds me because I know those sentiments will follow you and your kids outside of books and into the real world. Where real little boys exist who like to wear pink and make pretty things. Or dance. Or design clothes. Or hold babies. Or love with their whole selves. 25/

Those boys exist. THEY ARE REAL!!! The prince in pink isn't real. He's just a sweet little book character who never hurt anybody. But your public and emphatic hate of him is showing real little boys that they are wrong. That they have no right to exist in your world. 26/

And I'm sitting here weeping, bc I know some of those boys. And I know their pain. And I know in my bones that they are beautiful and divine. They don't deserve to be shunned. They don't deserve to be tolerated. They matter. They are glorious. They deserve to love themselves. 27/

That last line in your review: "such a shame." Shame. That's the word. That's what drives your writing this public review. You are wielding shame as a tool. You aren't shaming me. You are shaming the princes in pink, trying to shame them out of existence. 28/

It won't work. They do exist. But in the meantime--before these kids and teens have a chance to grow up and gain enough expreince and perspective to understand that your opinion of them doesn't take away from their worth--your words can do so much damage. 29/

Shame is the worst thing to do to a person. It's a deep embarrassment and humiliation attached to the person's core self. It makes them feel fundamentally unloveable, unattachable, without value. It's humanity's most inhumane weapon. It kills. Shame kills. 30/

My hands are shaking. I can barely type. I know this kind of reaction would happen to a book about a sweet little redheaded boy who likes to wear pink and throw parties. But I still feel the pain of it anyway. It's ok. I'm ok. It's a holy pain of empathy. I'm allowed to feel. 31/

But I hope those sweet little kids who feel seen and validated by a book like this never see your shameful words. Your approval of their existence is not needed. But I do hope for you. That your heart opens. That you can begin to glory in the beautiful humanity in the real world.

Hey, if you're feeling like you need to reach out to somebody to talk, here's one excellent resource. You matter. I love you.
thetrevorproject.org
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