Thread by @datepsych

Are women attracted to a "good" personality" and what does a "good" personality even mean? 🧵

Here is a meme. This shows two people with very different personalities.

This also hints at something else: personality shapes behavior. The two are linked. It's common in psychology to see personality and behavior used interchangeably.

People often think of a "good" personality as being associated with moral virtue. In some ways, it is. In others, it isn't.

There probably isn't a lot morally "wrong" with living in a dirty environment, yet this is an expression of personality women find "bad."

This chart is from Brewer & Howarth. It shows the effect of sport participation on perceived male attractiveness. The same faces are rated as more attractive when you tell a woman "he does a sport."

This is a "good" personality effect, but it isn't closely related to "moral."

Here are a couple of comments from yesterday: someone thought saving bugs that were trapped in the swimming pool, and crying when you read books, is indicative of a "good" personality.

Whatever this is, it's probably not closely linked with moral goodness nor attractiveness.

There is an important point to the evolutionary psychology behind when "goodness" is attractive: it should be behavior that is "hard to fake."

A so-called "honest signal." They are "costly " signals.

Any "goodness" in personality that is easy to mimic is going to be limited in how attractive it is.

This is related to the "Nice Guy" phenomenon, where men do simple "nice" behaviors and are surprised when they aren't rewarded by sex.

A common refrain: "I tried being nice."

Here is an example of a "good" personality or behavior that is much harder to fake: your profession.

Fireman is consistently rated among the most attractive professions. These men kill it on Tinder. Why?

They are the prosocial protectors, the "tender defenders." Women see in this a mixture of prosocial behavior, strength, and bravery.

Can you be a "good person" and be a sysadmin fiddling with networks in the basement of BigBox Inc?

Of course. But it's nothing special.

And you do need to be a little special to be attractive. A "good personality" isn't the mere baseline of "I avoid wrong behavior."

"I have a job" doesn't stand out much. "I saved a sugar glider from a bush fire" does.

Seriously - these are the kinds of things that can "flip the switch" and make a woman decide "ok, I would date him."

A "good personality" isn't merely avoiding the bad. It is standing out in a way that is exceptional, or at least better than average.

A "bad" personality is also not necessarily moral badness.

You may be timid, high in neuroticism, or suffer from major depression. None of this makes you morally bad. But it probably does make your personality less attractive.

However, moral badness will make you less attractive

Not just behaviorally, but it will make people perceive you as physically less attractive.

Behavior shapes how people see your face:

We share representation in the brain for perceptions of moral goodness and for facial attractiveness.

The behavioral data also shows faces are perceived as more attractive when paired with moral goodness.

Someone posted an image from a study reposted on the "blackpill science" wiki that also shows this effect.

The two faces above the red bar were the two faces women chose as short term and long term mates. Yet, the face at the far left scored higher in the "sex" or "lover" cluster.

Why didn't it get picked for a mate? It also scored high in the "enemy" cluster, or antisocial traits.

Some people will say "but bad people have girlfriends too!"

For all that men handwring and fret about divorce, infidelity, "body count," and tradwife vibes you'd think that some awareness of the relationship between personality and relationship behaviors would enter the discussion.

Do you really think that the most antisocial and unhinged men who do manage to get into relationships are having good relationships?

These are the men that women divorce.

The intersection between attractiveness and personality isn't merely who can get the most drunk woman to have sex with them when the bar closes.

How high will her attraction to you be after five years and you've made her hate your guts with your antisocial behavior?

It's understandable that men who have trouble passing that initial hurdle of getting a date don't look that far into the future. But this really matters.

Would you really be better off if you could get dates, but you're so dysfunctional that you can't maintain a relationship?

A lot of you think "modern women" are especially "low quality." Do you think those who are not "low quality," but who embody all of the traits you desire in a partner, are selecting for nothing more than physical attractiveness?

These women have options, guys.

And when incels post these sublimated cuckold fantasies, what is the implication here? Supposedly you're grossed out by women having sex with other men, but you're mad that the same women won't have sex with you?

This is a personality difference, too (disgust sensitivity).

Given how hyper-focused some men are on female behavior, you would think they would be aware that their own behavior matters too.

Even the whole "women have high standards" discourse is largely behavioral.