Thread by @AlethiaWrites

Reminded today of @DrumstaRebekah’s excellent article spotlighting signs of spiritual abuse in family life.

The instaobedience on display in #shinyhappypeople is esp conducive to abuse b/c it has no concept of boundaries, autonomy or individuation 🧵rebekahdrumsta.com/blog/signs-of-…

Screenshots from the article, the entirety of which is worth reading, that highlight what you see when you see compliant teens whose desires magically align w/parental wishes.

Teens in these movements have been trained since infancy to cheerfully obey right away all the way,

so they by necessity accept that parental wishes are not only God’s will but also their own wishes.

I cannot underscore enough how distorted Christian teaching about dying to self and serving others supports this and ends in a place where any self at all is viewed as rebellious or selfish.

Interestingly, same standard is rarely applied to the parents or powerful leaders

They do as they wish, ignoring their own parents who are often concerned about their grandchildren, cutting off “ungodly” relatives, & prioritizing their ideology over their children’s well being

But for the children & teens in these movements?

Unless their parents have rejected the teaching, the price of their individuating, their birthright as humans with God-given autonomy, is often estrangement from parents & younger siblings they helped raise.

A system that never has autonomy as its goal has no framework for it.

The person in the documentary who said Gothard made every father a cult leader was right.

B/c shunning is a hallmark of cults.

The broader Christian community needs to reckon with Gothard/IBLP influence *and also* generations of more widely published Christian parenting teaching that prioritized obedience to parents above all else.

Christians would do well to recall: only 2 explicit NT instructions for parents

Col 3:21-Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged

Eph 6:4-Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training & instruction of the Lord

Note the focus. Paul's starting point is that parents must be warned against embittering their children.

Not only that but we have other NT instructions that we’ve failed to apply to parent/child rel:
forbearing w/one another, restore one who sins gently, be compassionate…

… as well as Jesus' stern words to not cause "little ones" to stumble.

We have a lot to answer for.

The children entrusted to us are our neighbors, that we are to love as we love ourselves; they are part of the "one another" in "love one another as I have loved you."

It is never too late to consider another way. Let’s not let shame keep us doubling down or defending.

Belligerently insisting we are right or did our best or turned out fine or whatever excuses make us feel better are best worked out in therapy.

Doing that work can grow our ability to listen to our children's experience w/out defensiveness & fragility

As our children become adults, we all must reckon w/ways they name we've failed & harmed them. Do we have ability to humble ourselves, apologize & repair?

For Christian parents looking for a better way, I love how Connected Families prioritizes connection & respectful parenting in their 4-fold approach: connectedfamilies.org

Same dynamic is reflected in church family systems unable/unwilling to hear from ppl who experienced harm.

Overlap b/w two groups is stunning & reveals that our endemic problem w/abusive authority is stumbling block that will become our millstone if we harden our hearts.

Every exposure is an opportunity for families and church families to pause, to listen, to humbly consider.

Every survivor who, at great personal cost, tells their story graces is with a prophetic moment.

I’m begging us to listen. /end