When I write about problems w/“biblical” parenting teaching, there are usually a few parents who reply w/regret.
They believed various “experts” & now are left w/damaged relationships & paralyzing shame.
If you recognize your own parenting practices in #shinyhappypeople…🧵
…and are feeling defensiveness, grief, anger, shame, or other distressing emotions, that makes sense.
Abusive, high control religious environments victimize everyone, & deceived parents are both victims & victimizers.
You can get help too.
There’s probably a reason you were drawn to such teaching in the first place & now is a good time to get curious about that.
Most control/behavior modification based Christian frameworks reject therapy or advocate for nouthetic counseling.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
There are Christian licensed mental health professionals who can help you understand family systems, religious trauma, & why parts of you were drawn to be controlled & control others.
Working through your pain & history is a way out of hiding & shame.
I can’t tell you whether taking these first scary steps toward an honest reckoning will result in restored relationships.
I can tell you that hiding in defensiveness, frantically looking for reassurance you did OK, or minimizing harm will forever hamper authentic relationship.
If you’ve imbibed a steady stream of perfectionistic teaching, it is terrifying to discover you maybe screwed up the thing most important to you.
There is a lot to grieve & lament.
There’s also work to be done.
A therapist can also help you courageously inventory how, whatever your intentions, you caused harm.
They can help you understand the impact &attempt repair and amends.
High control religion also often operates with either/or thinking, but you’ve been misled about that too.
It doesn’t have to be either doubling down & defending your intentions or hiding in shame.
The truth even when it is painful does really set ppl free.
And reckoning w/the truth of parenting failures doesn’t necessarily end w/yourself being disciplined & shamed for failing.
Jesus’ invitation for the weary and heavy laden is for you too.
High control parenting is a heavy yoke. Why not lay it down?
/end
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Digging deeper into parenting ideas exposed in #shinyhappypeople & came across old transcript of Mother's Panel talk given at IBLP Knoxville conf.
I want to spotlight the horrible ideology that supports IBLP abuse & is a kernel of broader Xian parenting teaching in long🧵⬇️
CW: abuse
You can access the full transcript here, about halfway down, after an interesting discussion about ways Gothard's "Character First" curricula was taught at public schools & implemented via "Cities of Character" program by Sarah Palin & others. democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboar…
Things to note: panel includes four women & one man who describe their large families: 9 children, 6 children, 8 children & 5 + *we work w/a lot of other children*
Unsurprisingly, all panelists are exhorters/prophets, a spiritualized term enabling them to tell others what to do
Nightmarish combo. This mother's cheerful countenance & infantilized trained voice talking about hitting her 14MO all day long to teach a roomful of ppl about parenting.
And the reason the toddler is being abused? "He was really shaming his mother." 1/4
When children are not seen as human beings w/ inherent dignity they become extensions of parents. This is why response to CSA is coverup. There is no concept of the well-being of the child, only the shame & impact on the parent.
(Does anyone know who this woman is?) 2/4
Also:
Christian Parents: Stop spanking your children. This clip horrifies everyone, but the same kernel of control & narcissistic parenting is in "ordinary" spanking. 3/4
Screenshots from the article, the entirety of which is worth reading, that highlight what you see when you see compliant teens whose desires magically align w/parental wishes.
Teens in these movements have been trained since infancy to cheerfully obey right away all the way,
so they by necessity accept that parental wishes are not only God’s will but also their own wishes.
Reading Phil today & struck by Paul’s “What does it matter? Christ is still preached.” (1:18)
This is in striking contrast w/times he calls out false teaching or confronts ppl to their face.
Got me thinking: the NT offers many ways to confront problematic teaching/teachers 🧵⬇️
Some instances (not comprehensive so curious to hear what you’d add in the replies):
-Paul’s opponents in Phil 1 are motivated by self interest/envy but, it seems, are believers preaching Christ. Paul lets them be.
-Paul opposes Peter to his face & strongly confronts wrong teaching in Gal b/c it is out of step w/the Gospel. It is incorrect & has harmful rel implications.
-Priscilla & Aquila take Apollos aside b/c he has incomplete knowledge. They personally instruct/equip him. He learns.
.@The_ACNA friends, please read @annelisewiens's concerns about the ordination process in @MidwestAnglican diocese ⬇️ and I'll tag on a few thoughts of my own in a 🧵below.
First, elements I've witnessed in various parish ordination processes over the yrs:
-typically ordinand/community initiated
-can be leader initiated where a leader invites a person to consider whether they have a call to ordained ministry
-centers around gifting of the ordinand
-goal is to empower ppl to serve the body of Christ
While it's understandable a rector may be involved in various ways, this is in no way to be rector oriented or a way for him to rally like-minded ppl to his team.