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Nearly posted my Wi-Fi password instead of the bingo card. An excellent start. 
“I’m just taking a CD off… I was reading another one of Marie Hanna’s books…”
“This time it’s two different detectives…” Proceeds to tell me the names of the detectives in all her books.
“I’m sure it’s Hank. It’s Hank Gormley…” She’s searching through the book to check this is his name.
“… that’s this David Stone and Frankie Oliver…” Unclear why she thinks I need to know all these names.
“When she does the short chapters, you normally end up with a hundred chapters.”
She got a duplicate and gave it to June.
“I’ve been getting a little bit uptight with NatWest.” This is about SIL’s money, which hasn’t come through as promised.
“Daughter’s got some money of mine, which she keeps in a separate account.” #HintsAtVastWealth
“As I said to June, it’s not that I need the money…” #HintsAtVastWealth
Apparently SIL had a further £300 in a savings account. You can almost hear the kerching.
She’s been grilled by a neighbour about SIL.
Was she married?
No, she was a Ms.
Did she have kids?
No, but I can understand that one.
🤷♀️
Was she married?
No, she was a Ms.
Did she have kids?
No, but I can understand that one.
🤷♀️
“I’m looking at my lawn. It’s gone a bit brown.”
“For some daft unknown reason, I got rid of all me trainer socks and the ordinary socks that go up me legs are making me too hot.”
“I’ve packed up eating out now. It’s got so expensive now and also, if you’ve got high blood pressure, you’re not supposed to have too much cheese.” Is this a thing?
“I stopped going to Taste Wells because they started wanting cards all the time.”
“I’ve started taking wraps out with me.” She’s said this as though it’s the first time she’s told me but she must have been doing this for a couple of months.
She’s explaining how you make a wrap, because that’s one of the things I wouldn’t know, with living in a cupboard.
“Until me blood test, I’m giving up me bacon roll in Greggs on Saturday and Sunday.”
Mayonnaise. “They didn’t have any squeeze bottles because of barbecues so I got a jar, but it doesn’t make any difference to me because I put it in me wraps.” Not quite two non sequiturs, but nearly.
“I was a bit naughty on Thursday. I’ll tell you about that in a minute.” #Naughty
A list of things she’s had in baked potatoes.
On Thursday she went to Eastbourne, got a coffee and sat on a bench. Cue complaints about seagulls.
“As I was walking back, Harry Ramsden’s was doing fish and chips for £6.99. Well, I gave in, and I got them and heated them up at home. And you know what? I thoroughly enjoyed it.” #ThoroughlyEnjoyedIt
Reminiscing now about previous fish suppers that she’s #ThoroughlyEnjoyed
Pronouncing nuggets as nugguts again. I find this really grating.
She’s just insinuated that I gave my kids chicken nuggets all the time and I’m fewmin because I bloody didn’t. Grr.
“I nearly bought a bloody backpack when I was down there but I didn’t.” It was a Beatles one for £80. “They we’re wearing those jackets from the Yellow Submarine.”
“Whereas HMV will charge anything from £74 to £79…” nice #Range
She’s been to Bluewater with the new characters from the other week. “Audrey went somewhere for bras but she couldn’t get ‘em so she got knickers.”
“She wanted a beige or a very, very light brown one.”
“It was a laugh and it made the time go.” Yeah, got to get all that time out of the way when you’re 78. Far too bloody much of it.
They’re planning a trip to Sheerness. They’ll have to get the ten-to-eleven bus. #buschat
Telling me about a stabbing in Matestun.
Nottingham incident now. Just waiting for her to suggest Big L should avoid NTU now.
“It doesn’t seem to affect Matestun hospital because they’re one of the leading people for early diagnosis.”
“Hang on… it’s raining!”
“This is the sort of rain you want. It’s steady and…thing.”
She popped up to Bromley yesterday. She’s going over the route you’d have to take if you wanted to use your buss pass, which involves three changes.
None of the trains were stopping at Orpington. This is of no consequence to her.
“I will admit, I do like Bromley.”
Talking about Greggs ‘click and collect’. Lol.
“How do people afford to have things delivered? Even the bloody Co-op is doing it.”
“It’s a bloody annoying noise goes on and it’s because of the woman who’s doing it for the takeaway thing.”
A Spitfire has just gone over her house and she’s very distracted.
“She wasn’t the type I thought would have her groceries delivered.” *bosom hoist*
“I’m trying to hold a bottle, scratch me nose and hold the phone.”
Planning a trip to Tunbridge Wells tomorrow because rain is expected and she can mostly stay indoors.
“I will admit, I don’t mind salad, provided I can get into Marksies and get their balsamic beetroot…”
Paying for grocery delivery = profligate
M&S balsamic beetroot = not profligate
🤷♀️
M&S balsamic beetroot = not profligate
🤷♀️
Bemoaning short dates on M&S stuff.
Bosom-hoisting about a couple spending £100 on a weeks’ groceries. I wonder how she knew it was for a week? 🧐
She’s given up roasts because she can never get the potatoes crispy enough. I can attest that she doesn’t fluff them up after parboiling so I don’t know where she expects the crispiness to come from.
She’s reminiscing about toy fairs of old when Ex-FIL basically abandoned her to go to the toy fair and she had to amuse herself for the day.
“It’s bad enough when someone dies ordinarily… How are your mum and dad doing?” *record scratch*
“I’ll never have a word said about Mr and Mrs C. I know Mr C did the wrong thing with the insider dealing…”
That might be the most Tory thing she’s ever said.
The lady who does the childminding’s husband has motor neurone disease. No idea who these people are.
“Fiona’s husband is ex-police as well and that’s how come we ended up talking about motor neurone disease.” #NonSequitur
Reminiscing about Ex-FIL’s strops. ❤️
A list of dates that make her sad. Includes Father’s Day and Christmas Eve.
“She’s what they call their environmental reporter.” Almost a #WhatICall
Hosepipe ban chat now.
The people in Wadhurst get their water from miles away.
“I’ve got a bloody starling and a bloody dove having an argument about the same piece of seed.”
“The bloody starlings are a bloody nuisance. They come around in a bloody flock and scare all the other birds.”
“We’ve got a bloody seagull.”
I started to tell her about Truman Burbank and she literally walked away from the phone! I could hear her in the distance, grumbling about that starling. ☹️
She doesn’t remember having to do exams.
She forgot to turn the snek’s bulb down last night. #SnekChat
“I don’t think it hurts.”
She’s been down the pet shop asking about giving the snek a big rat again and they’ve told her they’re too big for him and to stick to medium rats. I think she’s finding it a chore feeding him as frequently as once a month.
“He doesn’t cost much,” followed by a list of expenses.
“It always makes me laugh because we’ve got a lady called Nina Ridge who does the weather and she always says, ‘I can’t guarantee it completely.’” I’m willing to bet one groat that she has never said this. This has the hallmarks of a uniquely Ex-MIL phrase.
She changed the mattress she was threatening to change because she felt she should be using one of the other mattresses she has but the new mattress is rubbish.
She’s now switched it for the ‘other’ other mattress.
Uh-oh. She’s griping about years ago when SIL borrowed money off her for a mattress and she said the mattress was no good. I thought we’d seen the end of this.
She’s going to go to Tunbridge Wells to check her balance. I’m not even going to waste my breath saying anything about online banking.
Housing Benefit reckon she owes them £97. Shouldn’t be a problem with the vast wealth…
Back to the NatWest thing. She’s absolutely itching to get hold of SIL’s money.
Ooh, she’s asked about the kids.
2h 4m. A bit annoyed that the bitterness about SIL is sneaking back in.
Can’t believe she walked off when I was telling her about Truman.
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