Thread by @carmenleelau

ok ok hear me out: you should all be making your own personal sigils to defend against your worst fears. it’s simple to do and works well because they’re made by *you*. here’s how

start by closing your eyes and calling up the emotion of fear. just general fear, no specific scenario. try to get comfortable with it, if you feel yourself flinching and retracting, stay there like a meatball trying to marinate.

next, explore the question of: WHAT am I afraid of? start imagining specific scenarios, go through shameful and embarrassing memories, just start finding specific stuff that makes you wanna die inside, yeah that’s the good stuff

but nah we’re not here for the little scaries like saying “you too” to your server who said “enjoy your meal.” keep going deeper to find stuff that you’re Really afraid of. painful memories. core wounds. stuff you’re deeply mortified of and thus re-arrange your life to avoid

you may think the things you’re really afraid of were things from the past. but the shape of your life currently says that is far from being true. they are alive and well with in the present and you, consciously or not, contort yourself to minimize running into these demons

this is how you find what you’re really afraid of. if you keep following the gradient towards what’s more fearful, you’ll eventually end up with abstract scenarios that are pretty simple in what’s going on: e.g. being abandoned, dismissed, used, they’re different for everyone

if you’re still thinking of a specific memory of being hurt keep going—you have to find the generalized form. that’s the source of the flinch, that’s the internalized form of the whip that is hitting you, that’s the fear. find the fear *in the form* that’s affecting you now

you can work with the first one that comes to mind or just pick one if you have several. next, lean into this scenario that mortifies you. feel the fear, don’t run away from it, you’ve been doing that all the time anyway so let’s observe it like a rare animal sighting

feel how completely un-okay you feel in the scenario. it’s fight or flight, it’s “holy shit I might die this is so painful”. stay here for a little bit, until you’ve gotten familiar with it. if it’s too intense take a break, open your eyes and ground yourself

but if you’re able to continue, ask the question: what would make me feel okay in this scenario? what, if true, would protect me from the hurt this gave me, even if it were to happen? and express this visually/somatically

I mean, take your answer to that and imagine a set of motions you express with your hands/imaginary pen. for me it feels like I have a laser pointer and I draw a sigil/drawing/symbol in the air.

direction matters, like if it starts in the middle and goes outward, like performance art it has different effects. what’s important is: doing the motion leads you to emotional regulation/resolution when faced with that scenario, & it’s simple enough for you to remember/replicate

then, once you have the sigil you come up with a phrase/saying to pair it with. that either summarizes what the sigil is expressing, or adds to it. draw the sigil and write the saying under it. you can do this for as many fears as you find necessary

if that’s confusing here’s an example I made this morning. I identified a core fear of being abandoned, saw a visual scenario of someone (shadowy general figure) facing their back to me and leaving the room, this brought up pain and fear. and then I asked what would make it okay

turns out I would be okay feeling abandoned if I felt like no part of me was taken away when they left, if I remained a whole being and realized I suffered no real loss

so I drew this (meant to be drawn top-down), the loop to either side symbolizing the abandonment and the collecting swirl at the bottom symbolizing nothing having left/been taken away despite the abandonment. and the phrase “in being left nothing shall leave you”

the drawn version is just a snapshot of the mental motion you made up to reckon with the fear. it’s meant to serve as a reminder. the thing that you actually made is the motion which you are meant to do when the time calls for it, think of it like a spell or whatever

it’s NOT supposed to make sense to anyone else. these are personal and have so much context around them that only you would know. but others may see it and get a similar feeling it gives you, and that’s wonderful. but they need to make their own

people of the past have had their own protective charms and sigils (e.g. Japanese omamori, Daoist fulu). why not us for our evils?

here’s to dancing in the dark