Thread by @mualphaxi

We’ve all thought about it.

Some of us have studied it.

But I have studied it more than anyone. The geography. The strategy. I know how to do it.

HOW TO INVADE, OCCUPY, AND PARTITION CANADA

My detailed plan:

First, I just want to disclaim that I have no ill will against Canadians.

But as an effective altruist I try to think about the best use of resources for the progress of humanity

I truly believe that ending the current political entity of Canada is the best use of resources.

Second: why should you trust me?

I’m a 99th-percentile Wikipedia male.

It’s the type of intellectual pursuit that women just don’t understand. And seeing how womanly the Canadians have become, I don’t think they will anticipate my strategic brilliance.

I’m your guy

One thing to remember is that despite Canada’s size, nearly all the population lives in a few places: Greater Vancouver, BC; Calgary-Edmonton, AB; and Windsor-Quebec in ON and QC.

We’ll discuss these first. And remember: they are all far away from one another. Huge country.

The first question is when to strike. Let’s look at history.

Egypt attacked Israel on Yom Kippur in October 1973. They knew the Israeli soldiers would be fasting and praying.

What is the day when the Canadians will be most distracted — when their military will be occupied?

The most important day of the Canadian calendar - when they will be most vulnerable, especially their military and police forces - is the day of the Toronto Pride Parade.

Late June is the strike time.

We want this to be done by the 4th of July.

But it also needs to be done by the 1st of July - currently "Canada Day"

It is a holiday that must be immediately abolished and rebranded as "American Liberation Day"

I have studied previous years’ Pride parade routes. The festivities will begin at least 25 blocks from the water — and won’t ever make it to the waterfront.

Securing the waterfront is essential, as is conquering their stupid tower

We will use a massive number of amphibious assault vehicles.

We don’t have any aircraft carriers in the Great Lakes anymore, and there’s no way to get one — or an amphibious assault warship — without alerting the Canadians.

So we will have to use a civilian lake cargo ship.

I’ve drawn out the assault plan here. The Pride march is in Green.

We simply go around it, secure the CN Tower, the small island airport, and then start marching to the larger international airport.

The 82nd Airborne will be responsible for securing Toronto Pearson International Airport.

The first order of business will be to change its code from YYZ to TOR. What kind of airport code is YYZ? Are you serious?

Our planes will begin landing immediately with TSA agents

It will be important to capture Trudeau QUICKLY, ideally while he's still marching in the Pride parade.

We need soldiers that can blend in and capture him in a surprise maneuver.

The US Navy men’s volleyball team.

Catching this weasel and sending him to Cuba will be a great moral victory for our country.

In order to quell possible unrest in the United States, all Canadian nationals will need to stay in their homes for a period of 3 days — as will all H1B visa holders (i.e. future Canadians)

Anthony Fauci will be in charge of administering the lockdown.

The US actually had a plan to invade Canada in 1870.

I disagree with the strategy in a few ways. First: the capture of political leaders is much more important today. I believe a sneak attack on Toronto must be the first action.

And besides, an amphibious assault is more fun.

Other problems: it relies on bridges in Niagara and Detroit, which the Canadians could easily destroy.

And: invading Quebec is a mistake. It's too dangerous.

Furthermore, this was before the Alberta oil boom. Rural Ontario is useless, you need to get Alberta fast.

The invasion of British Columbia will be a two-strike operation.

Land forces will move from Seattle into Bellingham — the plain from Bellingham all the way to Vancouver is flat and passable. Massive army columns.

Victoria, must be taken from the sea. It is small and vulnerable.

Remember, Canadians are into land acknowledgements, so our soldiers will declare that they are simply taking them at their word and restoring “First Nations Sovereignty”

We are going to need to recruit the Seattle Microsoft land acknowledgement lady to coach our soldiers.

Turning BC into American Columbia will be simple.

The Empress Hotel in Victoria will be made into HQ for the military occupation.

And any Vancouver subjects that resist occupation will be sent to Whistler to create new ski pistes for Americans to enjoy the following winter.

B.C.’s stupid, stupid flag will be burned and replaced. No more of this, what the hell kind of flag is this?

Finally, American Columbia will be governed by the executive leadership of Amazon and Microsoft.

Now, we turn to the question of central Canada: Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba.

The major problem is that the US Army doesn’t have a single base in Idaho, Montana, the Dakotas, Minnesota, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa — i.e. all the places near Central Canada.

But I have a plan.

The Empire Builder Amtrak stops along all the key strike points. As long as we can get our boys to Chicago, getting them to the border will be simple.

Nobody takes Amtrak, so why would the Canadians suspect it? No troop movements will be seen, they’ll all be in the train.

The conquest of Alberta is something that is very important to me.

And we aren’t going to repeat the failures of Iraq; we are going to TAKE THE OIL.

Luckily it’s a straight shot on a flat plain from East Glacier, Montana right up to Calgary and on from there to Edmonton.

Banff National Park must be immediately taken.

Its borders will be expanded into Northern Montana and renamed

JOHN MUIR CONTINENTAL PARK

Some people would question whether we need to take Edmonton at all. We do.

Nearly all of Alberta’s oil fields are in the far north of the province.

At this point, military planes will be headed to Houston to pick up 1,000 engineers and executives from Exxon Mobil and Chevron.

They will be responsible for quickly securing continued production of Alberta’s petroleum resources. And they’ll be given political control

The province will be renamed after our most famous oil man.

Rockefellistan.

Now we move to the conquest of the minor provinces.

Saskatchewan and Manitoba will be comically easy. In fact I don’t even care about Saskatchewan, forget it.

Manitoba will be renamed North North Dakota. I’m pretty sure the Air Force personnel in the original North Dakota could… https://t.co/FxGtsH9ZZLtwitter.com/i/web/status/1…

Winnipeg is the geographic center of Canada — and the chokepoint for its freight rail system. It will be important to control it in order to move resources properly — the rail network links into the US and gets all the way to the Gulf of Mexico.

Next, we consider the future of Quebec. And let’s be honest: everybody f***ing hates Quebec.

Seeing as the Quebecois have started terrorist movements before, we want to minimize American casualties. Quebec will be given independence with conditions.

First: 72% of the world’s maple syrup is produced in Quebec. The U.S. must establish a friendly price for the next fifty years, otherwise we’re going to be using Aunt Jemima (or whatever it’s called now).

Quebec must agree to a price of $25 per gallon for the next fifty years.

The Canadian “capital” of Ottawa is right along the border with Quebec. It will remain the capital of the Republic of Canada (Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan) of which Jordan Peterson will be made Dictator in Perpetuum. The parliament will be his house

Peace with Quebec will be… https://t.co/LOPBN9QYavtwitter.com/i/web/status/1…

Now I will briefly discuss each minor province — and the entities in charge of ruling them.

Newfoundland will be given to the far-right parties of Sweden, Norway, Denmark, and Iceland in order to reclaim their viking heritage.

New Brunswick will be annexed by the United States as “Greater Maine” and ruled by Tucker Carlson.

The Northwest Territories and Nunavut — who gives a f***?

The natives can have them until the ice melts, then they’re ours.

The Yukon Territory will be ruled by Joe Manchin as the head of a mining-centered government. It will also be a summer hunting retreat for American businessmen.

Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island should be given to the British.

And that's a wrap!

The Canadian experiment has been fun. But it’s time for it to conclude.

Humanity is counting on American governance of the American continent. This great continent!

If you have suggestions I’d be glad to hear them.