Thread by @datepsych

A question related to this video and comments:

How many people would actually feel better if a man/woman told you, “I am no longer attracted to you, I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, and I’m leaving to go date someone else.”

https://twitter.com/datepsych/status/1703447741848834384

People always say “he/she should have broken up with them first.” I get it - I’m not trying to dispute it. We have a norm.

But I think you’d still find it about as brutal to be broken up with for someone else.

“Sorry, I’m leaving you for Chad” isn’t going to feel much better.

If someone cheats at least you can soothe yourself with “dodged a bullet; they are a terrible person.”

You have a ready-made cognitive coping strategy in a sense.

What about just getting dumped outright for someone else?

“My ex is great person for being upfront and telling me. I totally feel better about the fact he left me for someone else. Hope all the sex they are having is amazing and I wish them the best.”

- thought nobody ever.

In fact we see no shortage of scorn for men and women who do this and less - simply for initiating a breakup.

There is a strong belief, implicit or explicit, that breaking up with someone without having a “good” reason is wrong.

This is codified in things like religious norms, where we see the only acceptable grounds for relationship dissolution are a handful of reasons, such as sexual infidelity.

But the millions of years shaping the evolution of hominid psychology do not care about the promise ring that you gave to your high school girlfriend.

Maintenance of pair bonds is contingent on certain emotions and behaviors.

If you haven’t had sex with your partner in one year, your relationship has already ended in some aspect. It doesn’t matter if you formalized that with a verbal statement (“we are broken up now”) or not.

If your relationship has transitioned from “we are in love” to “we’re more like brother and sister now,” are you really going to be surprised that they find a new romantic relationship elsewhere?

While human beings have a strong orientation towards long term (serial) monogamous pair bonding, this seems to be less the case for lifelong monogamy.

We are a species with high levels of biparental care, which may have shaped this.

But that should also tell you about the function and duration of long term relationship formation. Why do we mate for long periods on average, but not usually for life?

Why do we feel different types of love at different stages of relationships? Why does passionate love wane?

It corresponds with pair bond formation and biparental care of offspring. People needed to stick around “long enough,” but not necessarily forever.

So you have someone who started dating at 15 and by age 21 there is no sex and no children. What circumstances or motivations remain at that point to prolong the relationship further?

Not to ignore the huge developmental changes that occur between age 15 and age 21.

Your high school boyfriend at 15 may no longer be a match at age 21.

The person who was right for you at age 21 might not be the person for you at age 40.

Aside from sex and kids, in committed relationships (LTRs or marriage) many other things may make relationship dissolution very hard or impossible - even when a part of you wants to move on.

A relationship can be “comfortable” or not bad - it probably has lots of benefits - even when it’s just coasting in comfort.

Which also means that the incentive for an alternative relationship, and/or exiting the relationship, must be high.

A lot of people may not know they want or need “something else” until they meet someone new who is that “something else.”

Which makes it all very messy, but that’s a part of the landscape of human romantic relationships.

In a way it is very idealistic and “blue pilled” to expect people to immediately know when a relationship has run its course, simply break up with all of the associated costs, and hop back in the single dating market to total uncertainty.

So we see mating strategies that ease the transition. People form “backup mates” from friends. They line up new relationships to transition into rather than simply ending “ok” relationships and becoming single.

This doesn’t mean you can’t be mad about it, nor that you shouldn’t feel like it isn’t a “brutal pill” or “uncomfortable truth” of human mating psychology.

Knock yourself out and respond to it emotionally however you want to.

But instead of screaming into the void of the Internet about how unfair and cruel life is, you could try to understand it, learn from it, see the patterns and signs on the horizon, and maybe apply some lessons from it to your own relationships.

You don’t want to become a romantic cynic where you believe no one is capable of love or long term commitment.

But you might also come to terms with the fact that the person who promised you eternal love as a teenager might not be who you’re with at age 60.

And you can see the patterns that predict relationship dissolution:

1. A shift in mate value.

2. Lack of sex.

3. Waning romantic love and committed love.

4. A divergence of life trajectories, desires, and goals with age.

You can try to avoid those things. Relationships do require “work” to maintain.

You can also come to terms with the fact that maybe your relationship wasn’t “meant to be” if they all emerge.

And maybe ask yourself if remaining in a mediocre relationship is really better than trying for what you really want, or than making a change at some later point in life when it has run its course.