Thread by @newtonlaw

I lost my wife to cancer last month — our daughter lost her mother. I’ve hesitated sharing any of this, but there is something I want to record. Fair warning: this is mostly about love.

I’m devastated. A hole has opened where I thought my identity lived. I’m discovering new ways that I loved her every day, and grieving each, and trying to celebrate them.

Our daughter is doing the same in her toddler way. Asking questions about momma. Slowly understanding what happened. Grieving in stages.

We had a delightful life together. Full of intense highs and lows. Food, travel — all the surface things. But two elements were vastly more important to us than any of the rest: 1) our extraordinary little daughter, and 2) the quality of the time we all spent together.

Aubrie and I fell in love early and fast, but we fell more in love during the time she was convalescing than I thought was possible. Facing death every day allowed us to set aside the silly things, and focus on what matters.

Our new depth made her death all the more painful, but of course I wouldn’t trade it for the world, not for anything. The privilege of knowing and loving her so deeply outpaces every other experience I’ve had. It’s the one thing that matters.

I’ve considered whether to share any of this. It’s obviously tacky to make a personal tragedy into a public spectacle. I want to avoid that, but there is something that I want to capture.

It’s what I’ve said above. We had an epic love affair, and yet we reached a depth of intimacy while Aubrie was on her deathbed that we’d never had access to before.

That depth of love wasn’t available to us any earlier for whatever reason, but it is available. I want to make it available to everyone by reminding you it exists.

Aubrie shifted into a deeper love about six weeks before she died. During her time in the hospital, her one regret was that she hadn’t spent more time deepening relationships with the people she cared about.

Looked at from the other direction, her regret became an insight. The only thing that matters AT ALL is the quality of the relationships with the people we love. Focus on that.

And yes, we all have obligations in life that need our attention, and those things pull us away from contemplating love with 100% of our awareness. That’s true. But at the same time we must remember what’s behind our desire to do those things in the first place, we must remember our center. And it’s not the money.

I offer that at the center is family, community, and connection. I know it sounds trite in a tweet, but I can guarantee you with absolute certainty that when you’re dying (and you will die), these are the ONLY things you will care about.

Aubrie realized this deeply in the most fundamental way because she was running out of time. So she put it into action. It was mostly instinct at first, but by the end her deeper way of loving had become very conscious and intentional.

Her change was palpable. She softened and opened. She began to be with those around her in a kind of total surrender. We all felt that she was experiencing us without a filter somehow. We were seen and loved. It was beautiful. It was overpowering. It was humbling beyond measure.

As she did all this, those around her began to learn how to do it as well. I learned. Being loved that completely is overwhelming in the the best way. It’s probably all any of us ever crave. I’ve tried to carry that love forward ever since. It’s her legacy.

Loving that deeply is a practice. It’s like anything, sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s so very hard. But it’s always worthwhile.

I’m pretty sure this depth of love is available to anyone. Everyone deserves it (because frankly, no one deserves anything).

The key to this kind of love is necessarily different for everyone. I only know one way: complete surrender to the inevitable death of yourself and those you love.

I’m not writing this to proselytize any given path. I simply want to say out loud that it is possible to love with a depth and breadth that I used to think was fiction. It’s not. Aubrie showed me the way.

Progressively deepening love is the goal, an end in and of itself. If there is a point, it’s that.

I’m not sure what I’ll do next besides being the best father I can. But I do know whatever I do, it will be to create something that expands consciousness and reduces suffering, and I know that however I approach that work it will be by practicing this love.

It does seem that we’re entering times of great upheaval. I suspect we’ll need this kind of love more than ever. I’m planting a flag to say that I’m here for that love.

I miss you my dear. Thank you for all that you gave. To love you was a blessing.