Thread by @Davidkrumholtzy

I’m 23. The Mexican is coming out. I hire a publicist. Which is always a debacle for me. If I tell you that publicizing myself has always been an excruciatingly disappointing experience, I’d be underplaying it. But dumb, young, with money to waste, right? So…

My publicist calls & says that MTV has invited me to participate in Celebrity Say What Karaoke in Cancun, Mexico during spring break. Last minute invite, I have to the leave the next morning to Cancun but I can bring a guest. My girlfriend at the time can’t attend. No one can

It’s too late notice. I get on the plane alone. I arrive & the MTV people invite me to dinner at a restaurant nearby. It’s 10pm. I’ve never been to Cancun before. I arrive, Miss America & Carmen Electra are at my table. It’s 2001. I eat gnocchi. I down an entire bottle of Merlot.

I’m going for it. The next morning at 9am, I’m expected to perform my karaoke version of Mystikal’s “Shake it Fast”. I will be competing against, most notably, Jerry Springer. He’s singing “Mony, Mony” which is fucking bullshit because it’s super easy. He’s bound to win.

But I seriously want to win. I had rehearsed my song all night. Anyway…. We leave the restaurant. I’m pretty drunk. MTV peeps say, “hey, we’re going to a club, join us”. It’s midnight. No one is with me, no one watching over me. Let’s do this. YOLO.

The club’s a mess. A thousand kids. I end up sitting at a table next to my hero, Macho Man Randy Savage. SIDE NOTE: it has become my humble and very genuine opinion that Randy Savage was the greatest actor ever. I hold strong in my view, but I won’t bore you with why I think this

I wander off, alone. Head to the bar, down 4 shots of warm tequila quick. I’m now well fucked up. An hour later, the MTV peeps find me. They were in a panic. They thought they’d lost me. Relieved, they invited me to a concert. On the beach. At 2am. The band? CRAZY TOWN

Their hit song was “Butterfly”. I thought they sucked. But hey, when in Cancun… so I’m backstage at the Crazy Town concert on the beach at 2:30am. I’m chilling with Crazy Town. I drink 7 more shots of tequila with them. I am
BLITZED. I tell them all I love them very much.

They prop me up in a seat in the first row directly in front of a stage monitor. I’m destroyed. The show begins. It crushes my brain. I can’t handle it. I stand. I leave. I make my way through sand and people, I fall several times. I find a cab on the boardwalk. I’m outty 5 chino

9am. Next morning. My hotel phone rings. “Where are you?”…. “I’ll be right down”. I open my eyes. I’ve been sleeping in vomit, there is blood and vomit on the walls. The vomit is multicolored. Bright yellow. Bile. On the walls. On the floor, the bed, the curtains, everywhere.

I look down at my knee. I have a 2 inch gash in it. My god, what happened? I jump in the shower. I feel like a bird shot in its ass. I grab a large bottle of water, and head to the lobby. Jerry Springer is late too. We to wait for him. We’re all gonna ride in the van to the show.

I’m sitting in the lobby, downing water. Uh oh. I run to the front desk, and desperately ask “¡¿DONDÉ ES EL BAÑO?! I run to the bathroom. I puke all over myself on the way. People are eating breakfast in the lobby. There are witnesses. I run back upstairs to my room and change

We take the van to the show. I am half dead. It’s 95 degrees out. They put my sorry ass in a cooling tent with Silkk The Shocker and Carson Daly, who looks much worse than I do. This is the sick tent. Jerry Springer and his bodyguard Steve are there. They are very nice to me.

It’s my turn to perform. Dave Holmes is hosting. I walk out on stage in a jumpsuit and gold chains and a doo rag. I tell the crowd that I’m from the hood, that I’ve BEEN from the hood. I then perform Shake It Fast. IMO, I’m incredible. I should win.

I lose. Springer wins. I’m pissed. But I’m alive, barely. And that’s all that matters. 2 hrs later, I’m limping through the non air conditioned Cancun airport surrounded by throngs of the hungover filth of the world. I fly home. I walk into my apartment. I’m still bleeding.

My girlfriend takes one look at me and starts hysterically crying. 32 hours in Cancun, the most drunk I’ve ever been. On TV. You cannot find the video anywhere. I’ve looked for it. I am now very very sober.

The show aired a week or so later, I watched it with Seth Rogen having told him about all of it beforehand. We were on the floor laughing. That’s it. The end. @MTV find the video please!!!