My old boss did a lot of stupid things, like, proper mental, but the funniest was when he was on the roof of our shop, and looked like he was about to leap the 6-foot distance to one of the other buildings.
I said, "Jim, there's no way you'll make that jump."
I said, "Jim, there's no way you'll make that jump."
He said, and I quote, "Watch this."
How many people throughout history have died with "Watch this" being the last thing they utter or hear?
Anyway, he took a few steps back and then ran at this gap.
He leapt.
Majestically.
Like a Gazelle.
Like a Gazelle on a roof.
How many people throughout history have died with "Watch this" being the last thing they utter or hear?
Anyway, he took a few steps back and then ran at this gap.
He leapt.
Majestically.
Like a Gazelle.
Like a Gazelle on a roof.
Like a 59-year-old extremely fragile Gazelle on a roof.
He flew through the air, cleared the gap, and landed.
Briefly.
Then immediately disappeared through the roof of the building.
Like, vanished.
It was like the building opened a mouth and swallowed him.
It gets better.
He flew through the air, cleared the gap, and landed.
Briefly.
Then immediately disappeared through the roof of the building.
Like, vanished.
It was like the building opened a mouth and swallowed him.
It gets better.
That building housed an antique business, an antique business that primarily sold extremely valuable plates and crockery.
So I'd just witnessed my boss say, "Watch this!" to me, then he leapt, disappeared through a roof, and then all I can hear is the sound of him falling..
So I'd just witnessed my boss say, "Watch this!" to me, then he leapt, disappeared through a roof, and then all I can hear is the sound of him falling..
...and a hundred antique plates breaking his fall.
I could not fucking breathe.
I thought, this is it, this is how I go out.
I was clutching my chest, everything was spinning, I was silent laughing, it looked like I was trapped in a scream.
Then, just as I'd found some air...
I could not fucking breathe.
I thought, this is it, this is how I go out.
I was clutching my chest, everything was spinning, I was silent laughing, it looked like I was trapped in a scream.
Then, just as I'd found some air...
...somehow, I heard this frantic tapping sound.
My boss was knocking on the door of the shop he'd just crashed through.
*knocking*
"Hello? Hello? James? You there?"
Me: *gasping* ".......barely."
"I need help."
*gasping* "....I know."
"I'm serious!"
*gasping* "...I know."
My boss was knocking on the door of the shop he'd just crashed through.
*knocking*
"Hello? Hello? James? You there?"
Me: *gasping* ".......barely."
"I need help."
*gasping* "....I know."
"I'm serious!"
*gasping* "...I know."
"I'm locked in."
*gasping "...I know"
"Can you go and get the master key and let me out, please?"
(he said please!)
*can't fcking breathe*
The entire time, all I could hear was antique crockery either breaking or crunching.
I had some bad days at that job, but...
*gasping "...I know"
"Can you go and get the master key and let me out, please?"
(he said please!)
*can't fcking breathe*
The entire time, all I could hear was antique crockery either breaking or crunching.
I had some bad days at that job, but...
...that was not one of them.
One of the best days of my life.
Anyway, I got up off my hands and knees, and staggered away to find the master keys.
"Stay there," I said.
Oh, and the door for this place is all glass, all glass panels. I can see Jim, I can see what he's done.
One of the best days of my life.
Anyway, I got up off my hands and knees, and staggered away to find the master keys.
"Stay there," I said.
Oh, and the door for this place is all glass, all glass panels. I can see Jim, I can see what he's done.
Jim was fine, physically, but as I looked at him trapped and afraid on the other side of that glass, he looked like a sad and dusty puppy at the dog rescue.
I went inside to the office, but I couldn't find the master keys anywhere.
I went back and broke the bad news to Jim.
I went inside to the office, but I couldn't find the master keys anywhere.
I went back and broke the bad news to Jim.
And this is all true.
"How am I going to get out?"
"I dunno. Kick the lock. Kick the door open. It's old. It'll go."
"I can't break the door."
"Jim, you've broken EVERYTHING else."
After several minutes of back & forth, Jim eventually agreed to try kicking the door open.
"How am I going to get out?"
"I dunno. Kick the lock. Kick the door open. It's old. It'll go."
"I can't break the door."
"Jim, you've broken EVERYTHING else."
After several minutes of back & forth, Jim eventually agreed to try kicking the door open.
I'm watching from outside, as Jim took a few steps back, crunching finest porcelain underfoot as he went.
I can still see it in my mind now.
Jim psyching himself up, rocking back and forth like a bobsledder about to start the run of their life.
Then he ran.
He raised his leg.
I can still see it in my mind now.
Jim psyching himself up, rocking back and forth like a bobsledder about to start the run of their life.
Then he ran.
He raised his leg.
Missed the doorframe and lock entirely, as his leg smashed through the glass of the window.
Trapping Jim, his precious thigh arteries now cradled by angry glass.
I wish I could let you hear Jim's voice. What it was like. If you knew his voice, it would be so much better.
Trapping Jim, his precious thigh arteries now cradled by angry glass.
I wish I could let you hear Jim's voice. What it was like. If you knew his voice, it would be so much better.
"Oh fuck! Oh fucking hell!"
I thought, this is it. He's trying to kill me.
I die today.
He was now stuck in this door.
I....could...not....breathe.
I look up, and Jim's now hopping on the spot, trying to keep his leg off the broken glass. And every time he hopped, I heard...
I thought, this is it. He's trying to kill me.
I die today.
He was now stuck in this door.
I....could...not....breathe.
I look up, and Jim's now hopping on the spot, trying to keep his leg off the broken glass. And every time he hopped, I heard...
"Fuck....fuck....fuck....fuck.." followed by crushing crockery sounds.
Jim was fine, he was fine. I promise you.
I was not, and this was probably the start of my asthma.
Anyway, as Jim was clutching his thigh, trying to extricate himself safely from the window, he...
Jim was fine, he was fine. I promise you.
I was not, and this was probably the start of my asthma.
Anyway, as Jim was clutching his thigh, trying to extricate himself safely from the window, he...
...found the master keys in his pocket.
He'd had them on him the whole time.
Best...day...of...my...life.
sigh
Good times.
Jim was a menace. My friend and I used to tell people Jim stories and they wouldn't believe us.
One day, we had a weird customer in the shop.
He'd had them on him the whole time.
Best...day...of...my...life.
sigh
Good times.
Jim was a menace. My friend and I used to tell people Jim stories and they wouldn't believe us.
One day, we had a weird customer in the shop.
I say customer, but they didn't buy anything. They just stood there, watching.
Watching Jim and I as we went about our work.
After about half an hour, this guy left.
That was weird, I thought.
That evening, a friend phoned. He said, "I sent a friend into your place today."
Watching Jim and I as we went about our work.
After about half an hour, this guy left.
That was weird, I thought.
That evening, a friend phoned. He said, "I sent a friend into your place today."
My friend said "I was telling a mate about Jim, what he's like. He didn't believe me, so wanted to see him for himself."
That was how Jim, my old boss, was. So weird, so odd, he brought in tourists.
Anyway, Jim was fine and the shop owner got a huge insurance payout. Hooray! 🥳
That was how Jim, my old boss, was. So weird, so odd, he brought in tourists.
Anyway, Jim was fine and the shop owner got a huge insurance payout. Hooray! 🥳
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