Thread by @NoJimmyBody

Man I wish I was drunk and sitting by a campfire saying this instead of here but I need to feel like someone is listening even though nobody will hear me on this platform. It just makes me happy to think someone might. 1/

I am tired. Just so, monumentally tired. I've never felt this tired before. I'm so tired that a good dream is one where I get a nap in my dream, and in my nightmares, I still feel tired even with the alien zombies chasing me, trying to eat my guitar strings or whatever. 2/

I am fat now. I am drinking every night. I used to run for fun now I need a nap after breakfast or I can't focus all morning. I used to be fun, and have fun, and people would say, "Oh, look, it's Nobody, now we can have some fun!" 3/

Now they say, "Hey, buddy. How you holding up? You doing ok? Buy you a drink?" Even when I stop the booze for a week or two, even when I stopped for a month, I was tired. My kids know my nap schedule. If I don't nap, and we get to spend more time with me, they notice 4/

and they thank me for being there for them. They love me so much and I love them more than they will ever understand. At least, hopefully, until they have someone they love as much as I love them. 5/

That lifts me up, and still, I am always so tired. I worked 60 hours this week. I spent a day in the river with friends. I played a gig and have another lined up this weekend and rehearsal the next day. Then DnD with friends, maybe a date afterwards, and a gig after that 6/

during another 50-60 hour work week. I won't enjoy any of it. I'll be thinking about my next nap. It might be on my couch. On the floor of a bathroom at work. If my kids are home, I'll pretend I'm going to the store then get milk and sleep in my car so they don't know 7/

that I'm taking another nap in the parking lot at Walmart. Because I am so tired. My doctor says there's nothing wrong with me. We've done blood tests and I see him whenever I feel any symptoms of anything. But he says I just need sleep. 8/

And I try to sleep. I take melatonin sometimes, THC, CBD, too, but when I do that I wake up tired. Or worse, it kicks in before I'm in bed and I stay up even later like I'm hypnotized then I can't sleep at all because it's worn off. Steady exercise kind of helps but 8/

if I miss a day, I am too tired to start back up again. And I still feel like I have to play music and work and hang out with my friends or I'll get depressed but if I do all the things that I think will make me happy, I just feel tired and just want to sleep. 9/

I had a dream last night that I kept trying to play a gig on the JoCo Cruise ship, and it kept going sideways. Breaking strings, playing over house music, changing stages. I never got to play a lick or sing a word. I went back to my cabin and smashed my red Alvarez. 10/

I love that guitar. I got it from a friend, and I gave it to a friend in need a long time ago. When he died unexpectedly, far too young, his dad gave it back. I remembered that in my dream. I remembered that I had left my kids at home, in the dream, to play this horrible gig. 11/

I knew when I woke up that it wasn't worth it. Nothing that I'm doing to making me happy is. The thing that comes easiest to me is just hanging out with my kids, making dinner for them, helping them with chores and playing games with them before bed. Everything else seems so 12/

pointless. Everything else makes me irrepressibly, unendingly tired. They wake me up though. I remember how being alive feels with them. I remember running with my oldest in a jogging stroller, the wind in my hair as he yelled, "fast, daddy! fast!" Letting them take turns 13/

sitting on my back while I did pushups. Or the big one sitting on my feet while I did sit-ups with the little one in my hands, raising her above my head with each rep. I was so happy. And now I'm so tired. 14/

When I'm gone, they'll remember their dad was cheerful, loving, and always tried his best. But mostly, I fear they'll remember I was tired. If I quit everything else and focused on me and my family, I might not be tired. But I'd be sad. Idk what to do. Guess I should sleep on it.

Hey @threadreaderapp unroll this please. I might want it later.