Thread by @RobynElyse

It's weird that we talk so much about a "loneliness epidemic" but we don't really talk to people about how to make friends or why they are not making friends.

So, a few things.

I've said this before and people get very angry about me — but something has to replace smoking.

Yes, technology is part of it, but part of the reason it was easier to make friends is that, at one point, you could look at a person or a group of people you thought might be interesting to talk to and ask them if they had a light or a smoke and start up a conversation.

I don't smoke regular cigarettes anymore and I understand why this theory makes people upset — but it's fucking true.

We need actual reasons to talk to people we don't know. I have adjusted for this by being willing to do stuff I like alone sometimes.

I'll go to karaoke by myself. I joined the Lyric Young Professionals board by myself and made a whole bunch of new friends who are also total nerds about opera.

BONUS: Healthier relationships with other friends now that I am not always begging people to come to the opera.

Also, sometimes you have to create stuff. Back in my 20s I started a creative non-fiction reading series at a bar. Other friends started series as well. Other people started comedy nights and bands and other activities based on their interests.

Third places don't just magically appear — people make them appear by repeatedly going to to the same place over and over again and meeting people who also like going to that place — until eventually you can just go by yourself and know you have friends there.

Bars where you order one "Instagrammable drink" and then leave are not good for this purpose. You have to go to cheap bars. Dive bars. Sports bars if that is what you are into.

It also doesn't have to be a bar, it can also be a coffee shop or a diner.

If you are a teenager, it can even be a park or a parking lot. We had two very popular parking lots we used to hang out at when I was in high school! (Would also be great if police and adults could stop being gross and racist about letting kids hang out places!)

I also think it would be SO GREAT if people would stop fucking calling themselves introverts. It's pop psychology! It's not like being left-handed or right-handed.

I do think that people getting sooo into the whole "I'm an introvert!" thing has been overall bad for society.

This also isn't just about "people are lonely and bad at making new friends" — even though that's a serious problem.

I do think that the less people talk to other people in person, especially younger people, the easier it is to dehumanize them.

The more people exist primarily in their own heads the more likely they are to glom onto ideas and beliefs that are actually terrible, because they're not running them by anyone else on a regular basis.

Anyway — find activities you like and go and do them by yourself, if you can. Or do things with friends that involve talking to people other than those you came with. *I know it's hard,* but these are things we really need to work to normalize.

*I meant either "at me" or "about it" and clearly it came out weird.

OH! Was going to add — part of the reason I like karaoke is because it's one of the few situations where it is not weird to talk to people you don't know. Or it is for me. Seeking out your situation where you feel comfortable doing that is definitely key.

ETA!: If you have no problem making friends, this isn't for you. If you are interpreting this as me saying "No one but smokers had any friends," this is also not for you. If you do not want to make friends or talk to people you don't already know, this is also not for you.