Thread by @lauren_wilford

I think the concept of "introversion" impeded my development as a young person, and I think we need to do away with the introvert/extrovert distinction. It made me feel like socializing and social graces were the province of a certain kind of person that I was not

they used to frame it (maybe they still do) as whether you "get energy" from other people or from being alone. That either being alone was draining and being with others was life-giving, or being with others was draining and being alone is life-giving

my take on this now is that if, as a young person, you are at all unusual, smart, creative, bookish, have some kind of life-of-the-mind, etc, you will be tempted to think of yourself as an introvert, because you won't find as many people to connect with on your terms

you will look around and see other people make friends more easily (because they are more normal and have less idiosyncratic interests) and think, well, I must not be one of those types of people. You burrow into "introversion"

And in doing so you fail to understand that socializing and social graces are a learned skill, and you get less practice doing it, because early on you believed that it was a "you either like this or you don't" thing

an interesting thing is that people who do not have much of a "life-of-the-mind" are CHIEFLY interested in socializing because it's their main form of entertainment. So they get a lot of practice with it from a very early age. It's the main thing to do.

(or at least this was true before TV and social media—TV scratches part of the itch for people whose main interest is socializing, and social media/video scratches it even more, so we're doing a radical experiment in letting people get this nutrient without IRL interaction)

But anyway, unusual people don't "get energy from socializing" because they're having unfulfilling interactions. The interactions are unfulfilling because a) people don't understand the unusual person's interests and b) the unusual person is awkward

You can only address A so much (you can try to get better at trying to share your interests with others in a compelling way, though people may never really respond the way you hope), but you can definitely address B (though theorizing abt what would help and then practicing it)

I still prefer solitary or just-my-husband-and-me activities because I have idiosyncratic interests. But I no longer think this is because I have a "personality type" that doesn't do as well in social situations. Via a social job (restaurant) I have learned the basic skills

As a young person I think it would have been helpful to hear something like: "You're not often going to run into people who want to talk about your specific stuff, but humans do benefit from time with each other in a convivial atmosphere—here are some ways to contribute to that"

the main thing that helps in social situations, if you are a weird person yourself, is to get really good at being interested in other people—asking questions, mirroring back to them, etc. This is how to make sure people think you're all right even if they don't really "get" you

if you become a good question-asker and stop being much of a volunteer-er, in an effort to be likeable and not freak people out, you do risk this outcome, though

https://x.com/owenbroadcast/status/1927325084282163699

but if you understand most socialization as basically "co-regulation," "I'm okay-you're okay," animal-level stuff, that becomes something you can readily participate in as a fellow animal. I want people to feel okay. Working in a restaurant allows a ton of practice with this

this thread helped me start thinking about this more seriously a few years ago

https://twitter.com/richdecibels/status/1514228507647557635