Thread by @sunshinepyeong

i've been reflecting on this since yesterday and i don't know, like...knowing these guys love their overachievers (look at sir rk alone), he gets to say this because he benefits from the validation he gets sa mga profs ng dcomm

https://twitter.com/sunshinepyeong/status/1933169331577532640

and this makes me think: who benefits from such a system, and who gets to work their asses off to even be noticed by any of these guys? who are the golden children, and who are the black sheep?

i harken back to when i was nominated for multiple awards sa immas 2024, around the same time that lei was on a huge pageant. that was posted on their page, congratulatory remarks even. but of course, not everybody gets the same treatment.

this is actually why i've never really told any of them na naselect ang pilot script ko for behind every story sa isang malaking film and screenwriting festival sa amerika. that is huge, but i know no one will give a fuck dahil ako yun, and jm was right in a way.

i remember in that scriptwriting seminar na dinaluhan ko just before christmas na nagtanong ako ng something that was actually relevant for bes, pero na-cut off na ako noon dahil sa oras. or again...maybe it was because it was me?

i begin to think about my likability, how i have to adapt to people like a chameleon in order for them to even interact with me, and how most of the time they're transactional, not relational. these translate into friendship for others, but isolation for me.

and i might say i've thrived alone, but that hasn't really been the case as of late. of course, no one knows this, not even the people inside that faculty room, because the damage they've caused is so retraumatizing na hindi ko na kayang bumalik doon nang hindi natatakot.

and i know jm doesn't know shit about this. he's been out two years. by association, everyone in that faculty room is complicit in the harm, the invalidation, the laughter ensuing after someone makes a mistake during their proposal defense...kahit sabihin nating unintentional yan

or kahit sabihin nating sinadya nilang tumawa. it just validates everything that i have known in the years that they've taught me all of the skills i needed to learn. it really creates an environment of harm that people like jm benefit from, kahit wala na siya doon.

it is the product of privilege, after all. pag talented ka, may post ka. pag may significant achievement ka, ibabalandra ka nila na parang bagong labang blusa. pero pag ikaw ang problema, ipagpapasa-pasahan ka nila na parang bola ng basketbol, hoping someone would shoot it.

maybe sir regel didn't like me, or me having a crush on him, but i've long made peace with that. maybe sir ardi was just giving honest advice sa pahalik noong biyernes santo. maybe maam lisette was just concerned dahil hindi ako nag-aasikaso ng mga papeles for enrollment.

maybe yung "baka makita ng mga professors ko" noong unang nalabas ang tribute niya two years ago was just a fear of judgement from her peers. pero may privilege sila—they have never really experienced debilitating trauma in their lives.

i think to what doc said during one of our therapy sessions: "kaya ka natatakot bumalik doon sa building kasi hindi nila alam kung paano maghandle ng trauma." pero parang wala lang sa kanila, kasi in their eyes, walang mali.

walang mali sa kanila. wala silang ginagawang mali, wala silang tinatapakang tao. as long as it is in the name of academic validation, we'll do everything...right?

then comes a crazy 18-year-old who writes music, plays guitar, fangirls over newscasters and reporters.

i finally get why they made sir rk stay away from me. it wasn't because of the fact that we're bordering the line of romance, it's so they could control him just like they did before. and knowing him and his reverence for maam lisette, our relationship's been strained since.

naalala ko pa rin yung video ng interview niya, how he was vulnerable...and the bracelet on his wrist na bigay ko sa kanya galing sa bataan. i haven't worn that since the journsem at nakatago na lang siya sa ataul ko. maybe releasing rephrase was also a last hurrah.

like rephrase is the encapsulation ng pagkakaibigan namin. how he deemed me as one of the most important people he's ever met, how he holds onto the gifts na bigay ko sa kanya, yung chihaya keychains sa bag niya, yung tshirt na dapat sa kanya na sinuot ng nanay niya...

kaya in a way, masakit pa rin eh. i still grieve about it kasi i've never had a friendship like his eh. it really is the most beautiful friendship i've ever had. pero kahit nung wednesday sa loob ng rolle, natatakot akong lapitan siya.

and i know no one will see this, but hear me out: their superiority complex will be their downfall. i used to love them all, revere them, pero ngayon, takot na ako sa kanila. they've given me so much more trauma than when i even first started my thesis about trauma.

their responses have been incredibly retraumatizing, humiliating and harmful for people who are supposed to be mentors, guides, second parents. and honestly? i don't care if i'm doing this alone. but i sure as hell believe i'm doing the right thing.

oo, jm, hindi ako katulad mo. wala akong talent, wala akong talino, wala akong jokes na pwedeng tawanan kasi tinatrato mo na ako bilang katatawanan. pero may dignidad ako—it may have been forcibly taken away from me, but i am sure as hell not going down without a fight.

...even if that means i'm against everyone. i don't care anymore. that thesis is my life—my entire life—and i am sure as hell writing that shit, reclaiming what i've once lost, taking back what is rightfully mine. this story will be one that i make.

tandaan niyo yan.