Thread by @coybynat

@shaTIRED Just wanna say I deeply appreciate you continuing to talk about this. Prior to me being diagnosed as autistic & well before any convo on a subject like this I came to the conclusion that PP were the bane of my existence and we’re like oil & water when together. Not bc I hate them

@shaTIRED But bc I kept being continuously harmed in social dynamics around them. It was SUPER rough for me. But, as you’ve exprncd, ppl get really defensive when you bring up harm even if you’re not calling them bad or evil for it. So it feels like it just continues on in a vicious cycle

@shaTIRED A lot of the harm had to do w/ me being (un-dx) autistic and extremely honest and the PP essentially throwing me under the bus for the more socially favorable—albeit super dishonest— response. And I used to rack my brain trying to understand y someone would just lie so plainly

@shaTIRED And I used to think they were evil/bad ppl doing it on purpose (but that wasn’t limited to them necessarily—lying was something I struggled with for all allistic ppl; it was just more intense with PP in particular) until I learned that it was a trauma response and not being done

@shaTIRED To just be evil to me. But the damage of those social dynamics were still done. Period. I was scapegoated A LOT bc of my (autistic-driven) need for honesty (and justice) and still deal with the severe social trauma of that happening SO much in friend groups

@shaTIRED I mean you can imagine the juxtaposition of someone being extremely and rigidly honest about things—even if it isn’t the most ideal option/outcome, next to someone who is being manipulative and lying to forgo their own needs in favor of what other people want—despite the impact

@shaTIRED That is causes to them—and how traumatized I am from that lol. Whew lol. Obv we don’t know what we don’t know but sometimes I laugh just thinking about it and how bad it was and how no one’s needs were being met AT ALL lol.

@shaTIRED And I was so confused/angry with my un-dx autistic self bc I’m talking to the PP like— “I can literally tell you are on your last leg why do you keep lying to everyone like this ??? this isn’t healthy, what’s wrong w you ??????”

@shaTIRED It was hard. I hated that they lied to everyone, I hated that everyone acted dumb about the PP’s needs (as if they were some magical machine/robot that could do everything), I hated how in me being honest/calling things out, the PP would lie and say everything’s fine which

@shaTIRED Would then sic everyone on me as the “problem”. I felt so demonized, gaslit, and completely insane. It’s an extremely intense social dynamic to stumble upon especially when you don’t even truly know yourself

@shaTIRED Now I mostly avoid PP. And while I don’t mind/love using my autistic traits of being less affected by social hierarchies and social pressure to make a pathway for a PP to speak up and better advocate for themselves— now I do with boundaries and limitations

@shaTIRED It’s a very basic lesson, but obv I can’t advocate for someone who doesn’t advocate for themselves and I can’t incur trauma on behalf of someone who is constantly lying and abandoning themselves in order to manipulate everyone into thinking they are someone they’re not

@shaTIRED Not to mention the impact of this on my identities being an autistic Black woman and those traits, by themselves, already being demonized/negative to society. I’m still unpacking so much trauma from ppl calling me mean, rude, evil all throughout my childhood over neutral things

@shaTIRED But now that I have better boundaries with PP and know to remove myself much earlier on so I don’t get traumatized that severely again— things are way better. And if there is an instance where I think someone isn’t being fully honest, I have friends who listen to me

@shaTIRED And if/when a PP *does* want to set better boundaries w people but doesn’t know how I be so ready to act like the video trend of the girlfriend threatening ppl to listen to the boyfriend explain his hobby w plants (😂). As long as they’re honest and dnt abandon me in the process!

@shaTIRED @threadreaderapp unroll