Thread by @BostonSatire

I’m at a bar in Logan and the people across from me are talking about a “destination wedding” in Fitchburg (!) and I am now glued to the conversation. I must know more about this madness

The bride goes, “We want it to feel like you’re being transported.”
Her mom: “Transported where?”
Bride: “To Fitchburg.”

Bride: “We’re asking everyone to arrive Thursday because the weekend is packed.”
Cousin: “With what.”
Bride: “We have a welcome dinner.”
Cousin: “Okay.”
Bride: “And then Friday is the Fitchburg experience.”
Cousin: “What is the Fitchburg experience?”

Bride: “It’s curated.”
Cousin: “Curated by who?”
Bride: “By us.”

Bride: “We’re doing a coffee crawl.”
Someone: “How many stops?”
Bride: “Four”
Someone: “Name two.”
Bride: “Pam’s and 50-50 diner.”
Someone: “Okay.”
Bride: “And then the Dunkin inside the gas station.”
Someone: “That’s just Dunkin.”
Bride: “It’s a different vibe.”

Bride: “There’s a shuttle from Boston.”
Someone: “So a bus.”
Bride: “It’s a shuttle.”

Bride: “We have a room block at a boutique hotel.”
Cousin: “What makes it boutique?”
Bride: “It’s intimate.”
Cousin: “It’s intimate because the hallways are three feet wide. Fuck this plan.”

Bride: “Saturday morning is local wellness.”
Mom: “What’s local wellness?”
Bride: “A guided nature walk.”
Mom: “On what nature?”
Bride: “There’s a rail trail”
Mom: “That’s just walking near trash, respectfully.”

Bride: “We’re doing welcome drinks.”
Mom: “Where.”
Mom: “A speakeasy.”
Mom: “In Fitchburg?”
Bride: “It’s hidden.”
Mom: “From the health inspector?”

(For reference the whole family is about 300 lbs. each and the bride had a hoodie on that says “Ralph auren” because the L fell off)

The internet is spotty on this flight but I’ll be back with the last few

Bride: “Also it’s unplugged.”
Cousin: “Unplugged like no phones?”
Bride: “Yes.”
Cousin: “This is a hostage situation.”

Bridge: “We have a backup plan if it rains.”
Mom: “What’s the backup plan?”
Bride: “We go inside.”
Mom: “Inside where?”
Bride: “The same building.”
Mom: “So the plan is be in a building?”

Mom: “What time is the ceremony?”
Bride: “Golden hour.”
Mom: “Give me a number.”
Bride: “We’re letting the light decide.”

Bride: “Everyone needs to download the app.”
Mom: “What app?”
Bride: “For the weekend.”
Mom: “Why does Fitchburg need an app?”
Bride: “It has updates. Push notifications.”
Mom: “I’m getting push notifications for Fitchburg?”

(They pay tab and collect their things to go to their flight)

Bride: “[Fiance] and I were thinking of doing tiers.”
Mom: “Tiers?”
Bride: “Like levels to the experience people can sign up for.”
Mom: “Jesus Christ”

(they walk away)